Every time I go to church I am constantly being reminded about how much better I could be doing. My roommate Natalie has one of the sweetest and genuine spirits I've ever encountered. And so do all 100 of the girls in my ward.
I've never been in a place where there are at least 2 piano playing geniuses in every dorm. And the others have had some level of musical background be it singing, (which I'm pretty sure we were all required to know), violin, cello, flute, guitar, saxophone, clarinet, viola etc. etc.
And not to mention just how much BETTER everyone is.. in EVERY aspect.
spiritually
academically
physically
emotionally
athletically
musically
(fill-in-the-blank)-ly
It's weird to be in this place and NOT get discouraged because of how little your achievements mean.
I could be happy that I ran 5 miles, and the next day hear how an FHE sister is running marathons like a boss.
I could be happy that I finally got to play the piano for a little bit, then hear how the girl downstairs has 3 music classes and is required to play 2 hours a day. And she jams on the piano like no one's business.
I could be happy with my ACT score, then sit in awe as Brad down the sidewalk explains his "unstudied" score of 35.
I could be happy for the 96/100 on a paper, then have that trampled by the roommate's 99/100 score.
I could be happy I was able to squeeze out the time to go to the temple, then hear about the people across the lobby who have religiously gone to the temple every Friday since school started.
I'm trying to just focus on using all of these people's talents, ideas and examples to help me become better. But when it seems like you're so low on the totem poll.... it's hard not to look up.
And then there are the days that I really just don't care anymore. Not in a suicidal sense mind you... but in the sense that I am recognizing that I am ME, and I have to live with that. There are habits that I wish I had, scores I wish I could get, and things that I wish I could do... but I'm not going to be able to do any of those things simply by looking up to examples. So every now and then I tell myself that I'm doing just fine; that I don't need to be anyone but me.
And then we go to church and the whole self-esteem slaughter ensues once more.
Sunday, October 24
Friday, October 22
The Puzzles
Carly and I recently (last night) had a conversation that has really got my mind reeling. We were talking about our roommates, our likes and dislikes about all of them (*no offense guys), and she told me that over the summer, before school started, that she felt like she really got to know me because of our emails back and forth. She said that there was one email that I sent where she felt like she really connected with me. And it's this connection that I love finding in people :)
We talked about the difference between 'understanding' and 'knowing', and how there is a definite difference.
Ask me about an ant, and I can tell you that, yes, I do know what that is. But I can't tell you that I understand what it is because I have no idea why an ant is either significant, insignificant, trivial, remarkable or memorable to you. The background, history and memories associated with ants are specific to you, and I wouldn't be able to understand them without further explanation provided by you.
We also talked about how people store information in their heads. Going back to our roommate discussion, I was talking about how I put people together in my mind. Everybody has their own puzzle in my head that, when completed, forms their own heads. On the back of each puzzle is a word either describing them, their hobbies, random facts etc. etc. The borders of the puzzle have the basic, rigid information about them such as family info, age, gender, morals, values, where they're from etc. But the middle puzzle pieces are the pieces that TRULY describe the person. Their habits, sayings, opinions, interests, passions etc. I was going through and thinking about how fully formed each roommates' puzzle is in my head. Elizabeth's about 90-93% completed, Jillian's around a 75-80% (although some days I feel like I have no idea who she is at all. She's spunky!). Carly was asked that day how comfortable she felt around all of us (100% being like family comfortable) and she said around 65%, which is weird because that's how much of her puzzle is completed in my head.
But there are some people in this world who I can't put a puzzle together for. I just collect puzzle pieces not knowing if it's a "border piece" a "middle piece" or even a piece at all. It's these people that I have the hardest time relating to and it's not their fault at all. I'm not trying to say that they should change so that I can piece them together; it's just hard for me to relate to someone I can't form a picture of.
I love late night post-gym conversations!
We talked about the difference between 'understanding' and 'knowing', and how there is a definite difference.
Ask me about an ant, and I can tell you that, yes, I do know what that is. But I can't tell you that I understand what it is because I have no idea why an ant is either significant, insignificant, trivial, remarkable or memorable to you. The background, history and memories associated with ants are specific to you, and I wouldn't be able to understand them without further explanation provided by you.
We also talked about how people store information in their heads. Going back to our roommate discussion, I was talking about how I put people together in my mind. Everybody has their own puzzle in my head that, when completed, forms their own heads. On the back of each puzzle is a word either describing them, their hobbies, random facts etc. etc. The borders of the puzzle have the basic, rigid information about them such as family info, age, gender, morals, values, where they're from etc. But the middle puzzle pieces are the pieces that TRULY describe the person. Their habits, sayings, opinions, interests, passions etc. I was going through and thinking about how fully formed each roommates' puzzle is in my head. Elizabeth's about 90-93% completed, Jillian's around a 75-80% (although some days I feel like I have no idea who she is at all. She's spunky!). Carly was asked that day how comfortable she felt around all of us (100% being like family comfortable) and she said around 65%, which is weird because that's how much of her puzzle is completed in my head.
But there are some people in this world who I can't put a puzzle together for. I just collect puzzle pieces not knowing if it's a "border piece" a "middle piece" or even a piece at all. It's these people that I have the hardest time relating to and it's not their fault at all. I'm not trying to say that they should change so that I can piece them together; it's just hard for me to relate to someone I can't form a picture of.
I love late night post-gym conversations!
Tuesday, October 19
I can't remember
Ever wonder what you would do without your memory? Sure we typically forget some answers to a test, but I mean not having the ability to remember anything at all?
Not remembering what you did the second before.
I wonder what it'd be like not to remember--
I wonder what it'd be like not to----
I wonder what it'd be like not---
I wonder what it'd be like---
I wonder what it'd be----
I wonder what it'd----
I wonder what---
I wonder---
I----
And that's all you'd get.
Each second exising and forgetting. Every sense would constantly be stimulated by something new. Never knowing how to speak, crawl, eat.
Literally, a couch potato. Not knowing who you are; your interests, hobbies, talents, abilities.
Not recognizing your family. Not knowing what a family is.
I truly can't think of anything more horrible.
Not remembering what you did the second before.
I wonder what it'd be like not to remember--
I wonder what it'd be like not to----
I wonder what it'd be like not---
I wonder what it'd be like---
I wonder what it'd be----
I wonder what it'd----
I wonder what---
I wonder---
I----
And that's all you'd get.
Each second exising and forgetting. Every sense would constantly be stimulated by something new. Never knowing how to speak, crawl, eat.
Literally, a couch potato. Not knowing who you are; your interests, hobbies, talents, abilities.
Not recognizing your family. Not knowing what a family is.
I truly can't think of anything more horrible.
"Each of us finds that in [our] own life
every moment of time is completely filled.
[We are] bombarded every second by sensations,
emotions, thoughts... nine-tenths of which
[we] simply ignore. The past [is] a roaring
cataract of billions upon billions of such
moments: Any one of them too complex to grasp
in its entirety, and the aggregate beyond all
imagination... At every tick of the clock, in
every inhabited part of the world, an unimaginable
richness and variety of 'history' falls off the
world into total oblivion"
C.S. Lewis
I think I'll complain a little less now when I can't remember something trivial. such as a name.
Wednesday, October 6
the 100
1. I'm obsessed with goldfish crackers
2. I will always wash my clothes with Downy's April scented fabric softener.
3. Sticky notes are the best desk invention ever....
4. next to electric staplers. those are SWEET!
5. Halloween is my favorite holiday. period.
6. MAC= ridiculous. it's a simple equation
7. Getting the mail is one of the simple joys in life. except when I don't have mail addressed to myself.
8. I don't understand the point of folding laundry.... it just ends up in the dirty clothes again anyways right?
9. I like it when I don't have to cook :)
10. Climbing trees is a great pastime
11. I love having really deep conversation. Feeling like your mind has been stretched is truly rewarding.
12. Being out in nature is relieving.
13. If you ask me if I've seen a movie, the answer will most likely be no.
14. I love Jillian
15. I actually don't... Jillian loves me :)
16. I can function on very little sleep.
17. I don't like doing that, because I love sleep :}
18. I spend way too much time on facebook.
19. I am not a germaphobe. Germaphobes are hard to live with... I live with 2.
20. I love black and white photography.
21. Simplicity is the highest form of sophistication; even DaVinci said it :)
22. Blue happens to be the most soothing color I can think of.
23. Mint chocolate chip is the best form of chocolate. and mint :)
24. I like how sayings can twist words. Like today I heard: "We become what we want to be, by being what we want to become". A simple statement put into amazing words.
25. I don't believe in destiny.
26. I frequently j-walk.
27. I have NOT seen Dumb and Dumber. It's like, a federal offense I get that. my bad?
28. I really want to have a stainless steel fridge one day, but I want it to come with that special cleaner that magically removes all the fingerprints that it's bound to acquire.
29. I am the dum to Elizabeth's dum
30. I should have been born in the 80's. Seriously, they could get away with looking CRAZY and it was totally acceptable. (because it WAS acceptable in the 80's...)
31. I can not wear bracelets. They get in the way of my writing abilities.
32. Water is magnificent.
33. I have a fast metabolism.
34. As such, I can eat like CRAZY, get full for 20 minutes and then be hungry again.
35. I miss playing volleyball so insanely much. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but I knew what I meant.
36. I can't wear colored socks. I like my nice white socks a little too much to change.
37. I have many obsessions: chonga bagels, light blue stride gum, tall peppermint hot chocolates, frozen peas, scarves, one pair of favorite jeans (I think that's fairly normal though...) peanut butter moo'd jamba juices, sitting on the right front side of every class, argyle print, avocados, and not trying eggplant, artichokes, or passion fruit.
38. There is security in familiarity.
39. My dad and I have the same humor; my mom and I the same temperament.
40. I talk. a LOT. But I think it's because I also think a lot. Do you ever feel like you will never be able to tell anyone absolutely everything you've ever thought about because you think SO much? That's me.
41. Racquetball is the only sport where you can see it, and simultaneously feel it hit the back of your head. (I can't take credit for that, but it's still true)
42. Tide to go pens seem useless to me.
43. I want to go on a field study to Africa and teach the kids there how to play soccer. Mostly because I want to go to Africa :)
44. My forehead is 3 fingers long
45. I'm a popcorn addict.
46. I had a 4-pack when I was 12, but I didn't really know what it was. I just thought it was cool the my stomach had lines on it!
47. Spontaneous bursts of laughter are the highest form of entertainment
48. I think I'm a natural leader.... sometimes I over-step on people who are my own leaders, but I'm working on that.
49. I can't cut onions without crying on the spot. It could be a very very small red onion, and I'd still cry.
50. I really don't discriminate on music. I like ALL kinds. :) except for country. Country is just not right.
51. I have 3 words that I really really really REALLY don't like. Salivate, puss and crusty. ew.
52. Shaving is a waste of time. But I've gotta do it.
53. I will do anything for free food, and a free t-shirt.
54. Inception changed my life. SUCH A GOOD MOVIE
55. My shoe size is about a 9, but I WILL fit into an 8 and a 10.
56. I'm not a die-hard Harry Potter fan, but I can tell you which spell does what. Does that count?
57. I love learning about people and their personalities. Analyzing people is one of the coolest things to do. Trying to predict their thoughts, ideas, what they're gonna do etc. etc. is so... almost humbling you could say.
58. Anatomy and Psychology have been the coolest subjects that I've taken... I'm not sure this would surprise anyone though
59. Favorite cologne? Volcom (the Black one), Fierce and men's Gap. They're prime
60. Black bic pens have redefined my writing.
61. Fruity gum is just the weirdest thing invented. Who wouldn't want a minty clean taste in their mouth? Moreover, who wants their mouth and after breath to taste/smell like melons?
62. Chipotle's burritos are worth any drive to get one.
63. I wish I knew more about how computers worked: I feel like knowing more would probably benefit me in the future.
64. I plan on running a half marathon by the time I'm 30.
65. And then I'll buy a Ferrari as a reward :)
66. I love Steve Carell. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that every movie he's in I absolutely love. Like Get Smart? yeah, THE most quotable of my life.
67. I can whip a hand towel PRETTY dang hard, we're talking welt-leaving status here.
68. I've never appreciated Wal-Mart more than I have being a college student.
69. Sometimes I wish I were black. Not to be racists at ALL, but they can dance, AND they're all over better at sports. Not to mention that gospel music is incredible.
70. I really do feel like I'm supposed to be here in this situation in my life right now. And I take comfort in that fact.
71. I'm a fast reader... but I miss a lot of detail because of that.
72. I do not believe that leggings constitute pants. Put some pants on people.
73. James Christensen is my favorite artist. This is only because my grandparents had his artwork all over their "White House" when I was younger, and I would stare at one painting while I hid as the cousins and I played hide and seek.
74. My eggs yolks can't be runny.
75. Yolk is the hardest word to say
76. And I mix up my words much too often to be considered normal.
77. Water sports should be in the Olympics, that way I might have the opportunity to be an Olympic athlete. Actually, I'm not good at one water sport in particular, but I just love all water sports.
78. Correlation does not equate to causation.
79. I love airports.
80. I hate riding in planes.
81. During high school, I wish I hadn't locked myself down into a mold. Maybe that's what high school does to you, or what you do to yourself in high school.... either way I wish it hadn't happened.
82. I only truly feel the desire to put my hair in a pony tail, when I don't have a hair band on my wrist.
83. I can't play sports with my hair down.
84. I've never participated in an individual sporting event.
85. Donating blood scares me...
86. Humans interest me. The fact that we are all universally the same, but globally unique seems like an oxymoron, but it's true!
87. I'm not afraid to try my hand at any sport.
88. But I'm terrified at the thought of performing on stage.
89. The only way I'd be able to escape from an attacker is because I've memorized 'Miss Congeniality's' defensive acronym. S-shoulder, I-in-step, N-neck, G-groin. aka: SING
90. I prefer long sleeve shirts to t-shirts.
91. I can't tolerate cold water very long
92. But I sleep better when it's cool.
93. I'm not really sure what type of style I would say that I have. I love sweats, but I like looking professional, and I like polo's, crazy printed skirts, and converse. None of those items combine to mold into one stereotypical fashion style. But that's cool too :)
94. I prefer sweet to salty tastes.
95. I'm fairly sensitive to spices.
96. I have yet to find one type of meat that I don't like.
97. I tend to care what other people think of me a little too much.
98. Stuck on a desert island by myself, the one thing that I would want the most is: to not be stuck on the island... Why doesn't anybody ever answer like that?
99. I have the weirdest dreams out of anybody that I know. Ask Elizabeth because she gets the daily update every morning.
100. I am me, myself and I. Everything that I am I owe to somebody else. Whether that be my parents, teachers, friends, or most importantly God. I think we're all a conglomerate of experiences and nature, but nature was also once created. that's amazing!
2. I will always wash my clothes with Downy's April scented fabric softener.
3. Sticky notes are the best desk invention ever....
4. next to electric staplers. those are SWEET!
5. Halloween is my favorite holiday. period.
6. MAC= ridiculous. it's a simple equation
7. Getting the mail is one of the simple joys in life. except when I don't have mail addressed to myself.
8. I don't understand the point of folding laundry.... it just ends up in the dirty clothes again anyways right?
9. I like it when I don't have to cook :)
10. Climbing trees is a great pastime
11. I love having really deep conversation. Feeling like your mind has been stretched is truly rewarding.
12. Being out in nature is relieving.
13. If you ask me if I've seen a movie, the answer will most likely be no.
14. I love Jillian
15. I actually don't... Jillian loves me :)
16. I can function on very little sleep.
17. I don't like doing that, because I love sleep :}
18. I spend way too much time on facebook.
19. I am not a germaphobe. Germaphobes are hard to live with... I live with 2.
20. I love black and white photography.
21. Simplicity is the highest form of sophistication; even DaVinci said it :)
22. Blue happens to be the most soothing color I can think of.
23. Mint chocolate chip is the best form of chocolate. and mint :)
24. I like how sayings can twist words. Like today I heard: "We become what we want to be, by being what we want to become". A simple statement put into amazing words.
25. I don't believe in destiny.
26. I frequently j-walk.
27. I have NOT seen Dumb and Dumber. It's like, a federal offense I get that. my bad?
28. I really want to have a stainless steel fridge one day, but I want it to come with that special cleaner that magically removes all the fingerprints that it's bound to acquire.
29. I am the dum to Elizabeth's dum
30. I should have been born in the 80's. Seriously, they could get away with looking CRAZY and it was totally acceptable. (because it WAS acceptable in the 80's...)
31. I can not wear bracelets. They get in the way of my writing abilities.
32. Water is magnificent.
33. I have a fast metabolism.
34. As such, I can eat like CRAZY, get full for 20 minutes and then be hungry again.
35. I miss playing volleyball so insanely much. That doesn't make a whole lot of sense... but I knew what I meant.
36. I can't wear colored socks. I like my nice white socks a little too much to change.
37. I have many obsessions: chonga bagels, light blue stride gum, tall peppermint hot chocolates, frozen peas, scarves, one pair of favorite jeans (I think that's fairly normal though...) peanut butter moo'd jamba juices, sitting on the right front side of every class, argyle print, avocados, and not trying eggplant, artichokes, or passion fruit.
38. There is security in familiarity.
39. My dad and I have the same humor; my mom and I the same temperament.
40. I talk. a LOT. But I think it's because I also think a lot. Do you ever feel like you will never be able to tell anyone absolutely everything you've ever thought about because you think SO much? That's me.
41. Racquetball is the only sport where you can see it, and simultaneously feel it hit the back of your head. (I can't take credit for that, but it's still true)
42. Tide to go pens seem useless to me.
43. I want to go on a field study to Africa and teach the kids there how to play soccer. Mostly because I want to go to Africa :)
44. My forehead is 3 fingers long
45. I'm a popcorn addict.
46. I had a 4-pack when I was 12, but I didn't really know what it was. I just thought it was cool the my stomach had lines on it!
47. Spontaneous bursts of laughter are the highest form of entertainment
48. I think I'm a natural leader.... sometimes I over-step on people who are my own leaders, but I'm working on that.
49. I can't cut onions without crying on the spot. It could be a very very small red onion, and I'd still cry.
50. I really don't discriminate on music. I like ALL kinds. :) except for country. Country is just not right.
51. I have 3 words that I really really really REALLY don't like. Salivate, puss and crusty. ew.
52. Shaving is a waste of time. But I've gotta do it.
53. I will do anything for free food, and a free t-shirt.
54. Inception changed my life. SUCH A GOOD MOVIE
55. My shoe size is about a 9, but I WILL fit into an 8 and a 10.
56. I'm not a die-hard Harry Potter fan, but I can tell you which spell does what. Does that count?
57. I love learning about people and their personalities. Analyzing people is one of the coolest things to do. Trying to predict their thoughts, ideas, what they're gonna do etc. etc. is so... almost humbling you could say.
58. Anatomy and Psychology have been the coolest subjects that I've taken... I'm not sure this would surprise anyone though
59. Favorite cologne? Volcom (the Black one), Fierce and men's Gap. They're prime
60. Black bic pens have redefined my writing.
61. Fruity gum is just the weirdest thing invented. Who wouldn't want a minty clean taste in their mouth? Moreover, who wants their mouth and after breath to taste/smell like melons?
62. Chipotle's burritos are worth any drive to get one.
63. I wish I knew more about how computers worked: I feel like knowing more would probably benefit me in the future.
64. I plan on running a half marathon by the time I'm 30.
65. And then I'll buy a Ferrari as a reward :)
66. I love Steve Carell. Seriously, I'm pretty sure that every movie he's in I absolutely love. Like Get Smart? yeah, THE most quotable of my life.
67. I can whip a hand towel PRETTY dang hard, we're talking welt-leaving status here.
68. I've never appreciated Wal-Mart more than I have being a college student.
69. Sometimes I wish I were black. Not to be racists at ALL, but they can dance, AND they're all over better at sports. Not to mention that gospel music is incredible.
70. I really do feel like I'm supposed to be here in this situation in my life right now. And I take comfort in that fact.
71. I'm a fast reader... but I miss a lot of detail because of that.
72. I do not believe that leggings constitute pants. Put some pants on people.
73. James Christensen is my favorite artist. This is only because my grandparents had his artwork all over their "White House" when I was younger, and I would stare at one painting while I hid as the cousins and I played hide and seek.
74. My eggs yolks can't be runny.
75. Yolk is the hardest word to say
76. And I mix up my words much too often to be considered normal.
77. Water sports should be in the Olympics, that way I might have the opportunity to be an Olympic athlete. Actually, I'm not good at one water sport in particular, but I just love all water sports.
78. Correlation does not equate to causation.
79. I love airports.
80. I hate riding in planes.
81. During high school, I wish I hadn't locked myself down into a mold. Maybe that's what high school does to you, or what you do to yourself in high school.... either way I wish it hadn't happened.
82. I only truly feel the desire to put my hair in a pony tail, when I don't have a hair band on my wrist.
83. I can't play sports with my hair down.
84. I've never participated in an individual sporting event.
85. Donating blood scares me...
86. Humans interest me. The fact that we are all universally the same, but globally unique seems like an oxymoron, but it's true!
87. I'm not afraid to try my hand at any sport.
88. But I'm terrified at the thought of performing on stage.
89. The only way I'd be able to escape from an attacker is because I've memorized 'Miss Congeniality's' defensive acronym. S-shoulder, I-in-step, N-neck, G-groin. aka: SING
90. I prefer long sleeve shirts to t-shirts.
91. I can't tolerate cold water very long
92. But I sleep better when it's cool.
93. I'm not really sure what type of style I would say that I have. I love sweats, but I like looking professional, and I like polo's, crazy printed skirts, and converse. None of those items combine to mold into one stereotypical fashion style. But that's cool too :)
94. I prefer sweet to salty tastes.
95. I'm fairly sensitive to spices.
96. I have yet to find one type of meat that I don't like.
97. I tend to care what other people think of me a little too much.
98. Stuck on a desert island by myself, the one thing that I would want the most is: to not be stuck on the island... Why doesn't anybody ever answer like that?
99. I have the weirdest dreams out of anybody that I know. Ask Elizabeth because she gets the daily update every morning.
100. I am me, myself and I. Everything that I am I owe to somebody else. Whether that be my parents, teachers, friends, or most importantly God. I think we're all a conglomerate of experiences and nature, but nature was also once created. that's amazing!