Saturday, June 30

A Diagnosis

"Mom! It's lost in space!"

Milo grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs. "It's lost in space!!" he cried, pulling at my arms, leading me into his room. I had no idea what he was talking about. "What in the world does 'lost in space' mean?" I wondered. He's growing more frantic and there's nothing I can do to help. Milo started looking for something all around his room, repeating "lost in space!" in between tears. Tearing apart his bed, throwing the books and toys off the shelf.

Then I got it.

Two days ago we had watched a Magic School Bus episode about the solar system and the whole class cried out, "We're lost in space!". Maybe Milo was using this to communicate he needs help looking for something? What was he playing with recently? A car? A truck? So I asked him, "Is your toy gone?" Relief and understanding showed up on his face. I'd interpreted correctly. We found the red corvette. This wasn't the first time I've had to think outside the box when trying to understand Milo. It was just the final straw that confirmed my feeling that we should have his speech assessed.

The day after Kyle started his new job, we had Milo assessed specifically for speech through our school district. We had simply grown weary of wondering if Milo's speech was delayed, so to settle our fears, we decided to just test him and see. We were anticipating that the results would show a slight speech delay, then we'd get him into therapy for a bit, and all would be good.

The first assessment was for verbal and social skills, and the results weren't that great. Milo tested pretty low for those two areas, which prompted the assessors to have us come back for gross and fine motor skills testing to make sure they weren't missing anything. We came back and the results for those weren't great either. We walked away from the assessment qualifying for therapy in all 4 categories through our school district, and with a "92% chance of Autism" note on our paperwork.

To say we were stunned is a little bit of an understatement. Autism isn't new to Kyle or I; we have seen it in both sides of our family. We were both well-versed in the common markers of it: not making eye contact, preference to being alone, extreme fascination with unusual things, sensory/texture sensitivities. Milo doesn't have any of these things, or at least the extremes we were used to, so the results shocked us and it made me feel awful for not catching it sooner.

We debated for a few days on the pros and cons of getting an official diagnosis. We were concerned about Milo getting labeled which would lead him to being held back or treated differently, inadvertently delaying him even more. We didn't know how serious his case was; would he be "normal" after a few weeks of this therapy? Ultimately we settled on getting an official diagnosis for a myriad of reasons, but mainly because it would open the most doors to get him the best treatments.

I called over 20 different neuropsychologists in Utah and the earliest appointment I could make was 9 months out; but through my aunt we had a connection to a neuropsychologist in Washington who was willing to fast track our appointment to the end of May. Milo and I flew up there and he was tested.

The results of the testing were shocking and validating. Our neuropsych confirmed that Milo's Autism isn't the kind that you can diagnose on sight; there are some categories where he clearly doesn't qualify as Autistic, but then there are two categories (verbal and social) that he definitely does fall under the Autism spectrum. Our neuropsych said he'd call it a "soft diagnosis". He gave Milo a nonverbal IQ test, through which we learned that he's a bona fide genius. His pattern recognition and matching skills are at an 8 year old level; his visual comprehension is in the 97th percentile. Kyle and I have always known Milo was good at puzzles and patterns but this was jaw-dropping information. Through the IQ test we also learned that Milo has a very difficult time with language skills, particularly receptive language; he is well below age level for verbal comprehension.

Overall, we left our diagnosis testing feeling very grateful that someone else could see Milo beyond his verbal and social delays. It's very difficult getting judged in Target for the tantrums your 3 year old throws when you, as the parent, know that it's only because he's not comprehending what you're asking him to do. To have someone else see Milo the way that we do as parents was truly special.

Going forward, Milo will be in an intensive ABA therapy summer program that is tailored towards helping his verbal and social delays. We saw a lot of progress when he was in the preschool therapy during the last 8 weeks of the school year, so we're excited to see how he progresses with a more intense program.

If I'm being truly honest, writing this all out and sharing it has been one of the harder decisions I've made in recent years. I'm trying to balance keeping Milo's personal life private and wanting to share our struggle for our sake as well as those who may be in a similar boat. There's also that constant feeling of guilt that's settled in my stomach since the assessment that makes talking about this difficult. I wonder if I'm alone in blaming myself for a kid's diagnosis. Did I give Milo Autism by making a mistake on the self-reported questionnaires? Did I drink too much Diet Coke while pregnant with him? He did get sunburned once as a 2 year old - did that do it? It's been a very difficult pill to swallow that as a parent, I can't meet all of my son's needs. Logically, I understand that many people work at raising one child, but in my heart it feels like I'm farming Milo out to people to "fix him". There are days where I'd like to go back to not knowing, but then there are days filled with tantrums that make me so thankful I can drop him off to therapy (and then immediately guilty for feeling glad about that). There's guilt for not spending enough time with him during the day, and not WANTING to spend time with him after 30 tantrums in an hour. There's guilt for feeling like I'm not giving my girls the attention they need. There's guilt for dropping the ball in callings, friends' lives, and as a wife because I'm simply exhausted. There's guilt for not being up to speed in politics because my brain is overflowing with testing acronyms, ASD theories & therapies, and potentially benefitting diets.

But then there are also extreme wins that bring me to tears. Milo told me unprompted that he loved me the other day which has happened twice to my memory. He said, "I think it's broken" when I attempted to fix his Hot Wheels car, showing proper pronoun use. He sang along to Katy Perry's "Roar" in the car with perfect timing. He announced he was sharing as he gave Livvy a train. He sang Daniel Tiger's "stop and listen to stay safe!" before crossing a road.

His quirks make him easy: I gave him a potty-training book and he studied it for 3 days then potty-trained himself; we've never had to use pull-ups. He's methodical and intense. He hates messes and loves to clean up. He studies books and entertains himself for hours on end. He remembers everything he's read or seen.

His quirks make him hard: very few people understand him unless you're living in our house because he speaks like the Transformer Bumblebee, piecing together clips from songs, books, and TV shows to make a sentence. Turning off a TV show is an ORDEAL. As is checking out of a store. He rarely shows empathy for other people which makes teaching about others' feelings hard.

We are very new to this journey and the word "Autism" still feels like an ill-fitting shoe. Our day to day life hasn't really changed pre-diagnosis and post-diagnosis. Milo is still Milo. We just have some idea as to what's going on in his head now. While it's been hard to wrap my head around, our overall sense has been one of relief; we can help Milo now and have very specific areas we can focus on to help him become more age-appropriately developed.

Never did I ever think we'd be parents of a kid who has special needs but here we are. It's been a humbling experience but we're ready for it as much as we can be!


Wednesday, April 4

Coming Out of the Woods

Well.

I'm not really sure where to begin.

I'm at the point where it's been so long since I posted that writing seems so overwhelming. The past 6 months were some of the hardest and most beautiful times of my life and it almost feels trite to blog about any of it, but here I am. I think it's important to share the hard times in life once you've worked through them because WITHOUT FAIL there is someone who benefits from hearing it. So here I go.

August passed by in a blur of heat, splashpads, and sunscreen. Alice was content to sleep in her carseat or stroller in the shade while the kids got insanely tan and blonde from running around in the sun. September 1st came and I immediately put up the Fall decorations. I had been itching for Fall since mid-August so really it was a triumph that I even waited until September. We celebrated Kyle's birthday, my sister got engaged, and we started a little online preschool for Milo.

Around that time, Kyle and his boss agreed that it was time for Kyle to start looking for a new job. They both felt that Kyle had exhausted all of his opportunities there and it was a good natural endpoint as the busy summer season was winding down. Kyle interviewed at a few places over the next month and came very close to landing a job at Jane.com, but ultimately when his time at Big Boy Movers ended in mid-November, we didn't have a job lined up and we were unemployed.

I really can't describe the emotions of this time. Every morning for a month I would wake up with sheer panic in my head. All the questions of "how are we gonna do this?" and "what about this?" would batter my brain and I could feel my heart start racing until it thumped into my throat. Then I'd get out of bed, pray, read scriptures or General Conference talks, and without fail the panic would subside for another day. I eventually got to the point where I stopped waking up in terror, fully trusting that God had plans for us. That wasn't something that I ever doubted. What I did doubt was my ability to discern what those plans were.

As December came, Kyle and I decided that we needed to make sure we treated the surprising amount of free time we now had as a gift and really search for ways we could serve. That month Kyle was called as the Young Men's President in our ward. We dedicated a lot of time to the Light the World challenge our church issued out. We started attending the temple weekly with the help of family who watched the kids. I prayed every morning to find someone to serve and had that prayer answered every day. We were given a beautiful chance to better see our own blessings as we grew to know the situations of others.

We weren't sure how we were going to make our living expenses work, let alone Christmas and the two sibling weddings we had that month. We got a lot of help from our ward, mostly done anonymously, and some not. We had gift cards, cash, and food dropped off on our front door. Twitter friends who Venmo'ed money, parents who gave what they could, and an insane amount of prayers come our way. Kyle found cheap online courses that dramatically changed his job search, and ultimately his career path. A neighbor helped Kyle make business cards and ordered them for us. We had countless people reach out to help make connections with job opportunities, opinions about resumes, and offer interviewing tips. Meals seemed to stretch longer, food items suddenly "appeared" when I was 100% sure I didn't have them left, and bills were lessened or postponed for reasons still unexplained.

January went by quickly which was a true miracle. It's usually a very rough month for me personally but by little miracles and a lot of effort it was a cozy, happy month. We visited family, made a concerted effort to grow closer to friends, as well as to enjoy our time together as a family. We had lots of little miracles happen. Several job opportunities came up that each helped Kyle better tailor his job search. We had a head recruiter contact him and offer to edit his resume. Health insurance worked out perfectly for us as January sent us ALL into the doctor's office for ear infections, sinus infections, tinnitus, pneumonia, and the flu.

February passed by in much the same way. Kyle and I grew closer as a couple as we prayed for each others' concerns. We became more united than I thought possible in making sure we were equipped to guide our family where we needed to go. We had many extremely sacred experiences and "aha!" moments that continued to confirm that we were going to be taken care of well.

Towards the end of that month we had a lot of things happen. Jane opened up the same position Kyle initially applied for again, a CEO of a tech firm contacted Kyle and asked to meet for breakfast, and Kyle advanced to the upper interview rounds at 2 different places; Younique and BambooHR. Younique ended up giving us an offer first, followed shortly by BambooHR. We ultimately decided on BambooHR for a number of reasons like salary, benefits, commute (4 minutes away), but mostly because we knew, knew, it was where we needed to be.

Kyle started work at Bamboo beginning of March and it just now feels like we're starting to come out of the woods. In a lot of ways it feels like we had life on hold while being unemployed. Many of our normal, living concerns were taken care of while we focused on our next steps and we're just now getting to a point where "normal life" seems on the horizon again.

My point in sharing this is to illustrate exactly how much God is aware of us as individual people. In my life, I've never witnessed so many miracles occur, let alone in our behalf. He knows us deeply and intimately and we never have reason to fear or worry.

The intense love we felt from family, friends, our ward, and especially God was overwhelming and there's no way we'll ever be able to repay the kindness shown to us. We wanted to make sure we thanked everyone who had helped us during this time, but since most of the help was anonymous, this is the best thing we could come up with; a very public "thank you!". Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the very bottom of our hearts.


















Thursday, July 6

Money and Me

At the beginning of this year I wrote down one single goal that I wanted to work on: be more financially stable. I spent all of December researching money management techniques, defining how this was going to look on a day to day basis, and how I was going to measure "stable". This post is the halfway checkup for myself. This is me reporting back to share what I've learned in the last 6 months (accountability!). I realize that this isn't my usual milieu, and I'm embarrassingly aware of how unqualified I am to talk about money. Money is such a vulnerability bomb that I'm genuinely nervous to share this! But in my research I found it most helpful when real people opened up to their real challenges. So here I am living my truth and stepping into the arena (that's a Daring Greatly reference; do yourself a favor and read it).

A massive catalyst for me was reading Gretchen Rubin's Better Than Before. She talks about habits and how different personality types respond to making and breaking them. Gretchen writes to my soul; I identify a lot with her. Plus I love her qualitative and quantitative approach to social issues. Reading her book helped me realize that I had inadvertently created many habits that happened to have unhealthy ramifications for our finances. As a strict Upholder (her term, not mine), I bend over backwards to meet both internal and external expectations but instead of having a realistic approach to expectations, I counter it with keeping my expectations low to minimize loss or failure on my part. This means that while I do avoid feeling like a failure, I also don't remember feeling the triumph of meeting a goal often. It's about as sucky as it sounds. But that helps explain why I avoided creating a budget for a long time; I didn't want to set myself up to fail, so I just didn't make one. I didn't want to be reminded of my failings, so I just ignored as best as I could. Or bought into the idea that things would never get better so what was the point of trying.

Better Than Before also helped me recognize many methods I can use to maintain a habit. I realized I personally do better by fully abstaining (no baby steps for me!). I learned how to use the power of convenience to my benefit, how to make safeguards for myself by anticipating or minimizing temptations (ie: failing small, or having planned exceptions), how to avoid finding loopholes to my goals, like setting up false choices such as "I can't run because it's raining", or "I can't cook tonight cuz it's been a bad day". I learned that rewards undercut habits because forming the habit should be the reward, and that treats are things we don't need to justify or earn, but that we need to make sure they're truly treats; no guilt attached to them.

From the book I realized that I'm an overbuyer, a simplicity & familiarity lover, an "opener" (I prefer to start rather than finish things), and promotion motivated. In terms of finances that means that I hate, hate running out of something, so I stock up on things that we may not even need. I love the feeling of opening something new, instead of finishing something old, which means I end up wasting a good deal. I don't actually need to go anywhere exotic since I love familiarity, which freed me from the social guilt of feeling like I should go on vacations or trips and actually enjoy them (that ends up saving us money because I don't overspend in an attempt to enjoy the vacation). I also like simplicity which explained why I still felt unhappy despite having a house full of things.

With all of that in mind, I looked at our finances and faced it head on. It's a little daunting. We are paying off student loans and have really cool things that we want to do with our lives. So we looked at our options:

  • Option A was to make more money. We felt really good about Kyle taking the job he currently has because the career opportunities are unparalleled, even though he could be making more elsewhere. We can't deny that we know this job is right for him, so that's not the solution. So we looked if I should get a job and every time we entertained the idea, the answer was a resounding NO. We both know that my job is at home with the kids right now. I am acutely aware that flies in the face of the dominant feminist rhetoric. It does pain me occasionally, especially living in Utah where it seems like most women have a side-gig (a whole other story!). So option A wasn't really an option.
  • Option B was to learn to use what we have better. It was the obvious choice. In our house, I am the gateway of the money. I'm the one who meal plans, buys groceries, stays on top of household needs, and pays the bills. It's natural for us that I adopt the role as "Keeper of the Budget". It was helpful for me to think of this as an actual job. In my mind, it makes it more cool haha.

January came and we set our budget. We use Dave Ramsey's EveryDollar app and I'm in love with it. I also use an app call Level Money that helps me track how much I spend at one store, and gives me quick access to averages over the year. Level Money served as the basis for our budget, and EveryDollar helps me stick to the budget. Monitoring is a key step in habit formation; this is how we choose to monitor our finances. I've since made a habit to check both apps over breakfast each morning. I think that simple 5 minute check has been the most helpful habit I've gained.

I quickly realized that our grocery budget was the area I had the most direct control over. It's also the area that fluctuated a lot depending on my mood or physical state. Pregnant? Food bill goes up. Tired? Bill goes up. Cranky? Bill goes up. For me, the bill was a poignant example of false choices. "I'm pregnant; I can't cook". "The kids were grumpy and exhausting today. I can't cook". "I can't make this meal perfectly; I shouldn't cook it". This is the bill I decided to wrestle with for the month of June.

For June I did a no-eating out challenge. It was inspired by my renewed efforts of budgeting that had fallen to the side between having a baby and moving. I calculated how much we spent on food (both groceries and eating out) for the month of May and it was not good. As in around $1000 not good. Like, kick you in the stomach not good. So, no-eating out it was. Because I'm an Abstainer, this meant literally NO EATING OUT. No loopholes, no exceptions, etc. It's far too easy for me to find the loophole, so I can't create one for myself. This meant no french fries, no diet coke run to McDonald's, no quick bites after splash pad dates, no ice cream runs, no Little Caesar's, no late night candy runs, etc.



And guess what. I did it. WE DID IT. It's embarrassing how hard it ended up being. I don't know if people are used to just never eating out, but if you're one of those people, hats off man. I think I may do a later post about the mechanics of how we did that, but here I wanted to share what I've learned about money both from that challenge and from the past 6 months:
  1. We cut our grocery bill in half, which was my goal. That works out to about $1.50/meal/person. You can't buy most single ingredients for that price. I can never use the idea that "it's almost the same price if we eat here versus make something", because that's simply not true. Also, I've lost 10 pounds which was a nice side benefit.
  2. Learning to be frugal in ONE AREA bleeds into all other areas. Because I was hyperfocused on how much we were spending on food, I ended up being hyperfocused on money in general. It was much easier for me to say no to online sales, the Target $1 bin, and garage sale sites because I knew how much $5 went in food. I accidently left a bag with bacon and sausage in the hot car for 24+ hours and I nearly cried when I had to throw it out because that was $10 worth of food. Before the challenge, I wouldn't have cared.
  3. Most people who I consider wealthy do NOT live like they are. They're in the habit of doing things for themselves, making do with what they have, and finding clever solutions. Just because they HAVE money doesn't mean it's their first solution. Case in point, I spent a full day fixing our clothes washer because I really didn't want to have to buy a new one. I'm still riding a triumphant high from that one. 
  4. It dawned on me how much I was spending because of social pressure. There is nothing wrong with wanting to buy things, but the problem arises when you get addicted to that feeling. I really had to evaluate why I wanted eyelashes, a new drink tumbler, shoes for the kids, a Sodalicious drink. Did I truly want those items? Or did I want the perceived social status those things could give me? Was I after an unreachable lifestyle?
  5. Living paycheck to paycheck is the norm, but it doesn't have to be.
  6. I also realized how many people must be in serious debt. I don't say this to pass judgement at all. But I'm an intelligent woman and can accurately estimate salaries based on careers, housing market prices, car down payments, grocery bills per household size, utility estimates, prices of boats, vacations, highlights, and manicures. All I can say is that there's NO WAY on this earth that so many people can afford the lifestyle they're living. The math simply doesn't add up. Realizing that made me feel much better, but also kinda made me feel dumb for even wanting/trying to live like that in the first place.
  7. You can have a perfect credit score even if you never use a credit card. Our financial planner said he opened up 3 lines of credit, shredded the card, and has had a perfect score for a few years now.
  8. The only consistent thing you should budget for is an emergency. Honestly, have a section in your budget labeled "emergency" and put $100 in it because I guarantee you, you will need it every month.
  9. I think the most eye-opening realization I've had is that there will never be enough money if you don't have good habits in place. People will spend what they have, no matter how much they have, if they haven't created healthy money habits. It doesn't matter if it's $1000 or $100,000,000.
  10. The trite saying "the best things in life are free" is actually true. I honestly hated that because the first thing I thought of was, "yeah, but have you BEEN to dinner and the movies?" I'm in the process of refocusing my sight on the things that are truly important. My kids almost always have more fun with a bucket, water, and a hose than going to a theme park. It's me who wants to go to the park. Sitting on the couch with a massive bowl of popcorn, watching Iron Chef with Kyle is how I choose to spend my evenings, regardless of what is in our bank account. It's not that spending money is evil or unnecessary. It just won't bring joy if you don't have it inside you already.
  11. Money is less about behavior and more about attitude. You aren't saying "no" to things. You're saying "yes" to a better future, or to goals you actually want to meet.
  12. This is directly from Dave Ramsey: "You have to live like no one else, so you can live like no one else".
  13. If the social pressure is too hard, unfollow people who make you feel jealous or who inspire you to live outside your means. I think it's great if people have the internal discipline to do this automatically. But I don't, so I unfollowed quite a few people. The flipside of this is to follow accounts and people that help you stay true to your budget goals! I love following Dave on Instagram because of the quick quotes he posts. I recite them to myself as I scroll through Old Navy's website during their sales.
  14. Money issues make us feel vulnerable. One of the best ways to combat and move past the issue is by doing the hardest thing of all: TALKING ABOUT IT. When your kids ask to go to McDonald's, do you snap at them for being ungrateful, when you know you're just stressed cuz you don't have the money for it? Just tell them it's not in the budget. Do you feel embarrassed or cancel plans because you don't have money for that outing? Don't make excuses (car broke down, kids are sick, emergency happened), just own it and say, "it's not in the budget". Yes, I've done all of these things before and handled it in both ways. Most people respect hearing "it's not in the budget". If they don't respect it, they're not in the arena with me and not worth my time.
  15. Just because you have the money in your account to buy something doesn't mean you can actually afford it.
  16. Having a budget has made me more grateful for the things that I do have. It's very easy to lose track of what you have when you're looking at what you don't have all the time. Having a budget and realizing how many things we are blessed to have helps me cultivate a grateful heart.
  17. Learning to be frugal made me evaluate the true value of items. Is a shirt really worth $10? $15? It's made me pickier about what I spend my money on. If it's not exactly what I want, why buy it?
  18. I started thinking in terms of good, better, best. What are the best ways I can be spending my money? If those things are met, then what are the better things? At some points in life, the best thing may be a family vacation to Disneyland. At other times, it may be helping out young man in the ward pay for his mission. The beauty is that we're all free to make those good, better, best choices for ourselves, but we're only free to make those choices if we're being wise with our money. You don't have the freedom of being able to help others if you're not financially stable yourself.
  19. I started asking myself, "how many hours of work would I have to do in order to buy this?" and that helped curb a lot of spending.
  20. God makes up our efforts. I may lose some people here, but hear me out. We are doing our very best to be wise with the things that we have been given. There are sacrifices that we've made that have been hard but we've made them because we felt like we needed to. For example, our income could be a good deal more if I were working. When, after all that Kyle and I can do, if we're still tight, a miracle happens and things work out. A bill gets reduced, a deposit comes back unexpectedly, the gas tank stays full longer than anticipated, what have you. These miracles aren't our backup plan in any way, but they happen and it keeps us motivated to stay the course.
I wish I'd known these lessons sooner in life but I'm thankful I'm learning them now, even if it's hard. I'm sure there are people who will read this and think "well, yeah; nothing groundbreaking here", and honestly they're probably right! But it is a bit groundbreaking for me and I hope that this helps anyone who needs a bit of motivation. Money stress is one of the worst kinds of stress. It makes people act irrationally because it's so easy to equate money with worth. And that's simply not true. Money is not a direct correlation to how good people are! I think this results in the cultural consensus that money is something we simply don't discuss and when we don't discuss it, people can't learn from the mistakes or successes of others. So even, and especially when it's hard, learn to talk about money. It's only going to get better if we're willing to shine a flashlight on this area that we'd prefer to keep hidden.

Tuesday, June 13

These Are My Days

Well, it's been a hot second since my last post. I keep waiting until life settles down before I sit and write anything, but then it dawned on me that this is my new crazy and life probably won't settle down anytime soon!

We moved into a new place in North Orem and we love it. We had a crazy situation come up and the landlords of our other house needed to sell their place asap. They told us when I was 36 weeks pregnant and we spent all that week searching KSL and rentler for a new home. I think we walked through 8 different homes. I finally found our current place within 20 minutes after it was posted; I was on the phone with the owner 10 seconds later, and 24 hours after I saw the posting, the house was ours. 2 hours after closing the deal, I got a phone call with my preeclampsia results from my midwife and that story is detailed in the previous post. 9 days after we had Alice, we moved into this house. Having now moved at 8 months pregnant and with a newborn, I legitimately don't know which one is worse. They're both very hard for different reasons (eg: I had to bring my pumping equipment with me while we cleaned out our old house). Maybe just don't ever move?

Anyway.

We had a LOT of help which saved us a million times over. My mom ended up staying with us for 3 full weeks, and my dad even came down for a good week to help out. Kyle's parents watched kids and helped load up the moving van, our friends helped us pack and clean, one of my old YW's leader came over and helped mom, Nicole, and I deep clean our old place, our new ward showed up the morning we moved in and helped us unload everything within an hour, we had at least one person from our ward stop by every day the first 2 weeks we were in, and meals were dropped off/made for us. We were and are extremely grateful for all the help we received.

Between moving and a new baby it's taken some time getting settled in. The kids handled it all like champs all things considered, but we still had/have our rocky days. To their credit, they haven't had a single negative reaction towards Alice at all. At most Milo will cover his ears and say "shhhh" if Alice is crying for a while. It took a few weeks for us to learn where the boundaries are in this place, where their toys were, and for us to get back into our semi-normal routines. Kids are so much more flexible than I think we give them credit for honestly.

It's hard for me to describe the kind of baby that Alice is, in part because I don't think you see much unique personality until after 3 months. The first month of her life she was just a pure little angel. She nursed perfectly, slept 6 hours at night, and never fussed. I'm so thankful for that too cuz it was crazy enough trying to pack, move, and unpack. Her second month was brutal. Between colic, getting mastitis (shoot me), and the resulting lack of sleep, (she'd wake up between 4-6 am every morning), we were all zombies for a while. Alice just cried constantly. I think I ate my weight in chocolate to cope. We got her in to see a chiropractor and her pediatrician got us some colic drops. Between the two, her symptoms eased up quite a bit and we all benefited from that. About a week ago she started gagging at random times and spitting up clear liquid. Having seen this before with Livvy, we took action immediately. Acid reflux sucks because it's so random, but Alice's reflux seemed to peak between 3-6am. She got another chiropractor adjustment yesterday and she hasn't spit up since! We'll see how long that lasts, but we're hopeful.

I think the newborn stage is very tricky if I'm being honest. It's hard feeling like you're constantly giving something to a blob of crying onesies, without any acknowledgement. Alice started smiling at us just as the reflux hit which weirdly made it much easier to deal with. Sure she was up from 3-6, but we got lots of smiles from her so it was worth it? Idk, parenthood is strange.

In between the moments of colic and reflux, Alice's temperament seems similar to Milo's. She prefers to watch things from a distance, and it takes some work to get a smile out of her, especially if she doesn't know you. Alice loves sounds and her binky; two things neither Livvy or Milo had feelings about. Right now it looks like she'll have blue eyes and BLONDE CURLY HAIR that I am stunned over. After a bath she looks like the Sicilian from Princess Bride.

I've decided the very best thing about subsequent kids is the perspective you have as a parent. Instead of feeling like things will never improve, I know it gets better at some point. Even on the hard days I know I'll at least be alive with healthy kids the next day, and some days that's as high as the bar can be for myself haha! It's easier to give myself a break on the days each kid has covered me in some type of bodily fluid. It was easier to get back on my feet and go to parks, splash pads, and grocery shopping. A lot of things in life are easier if you're kinder to yourself I guess.

Livvy's vocabulary had exploded since the move. She frequently asks, "whachya doin?" to everyone. She likes to talk for the sake of talking, even if she has no idea what she's saying. She has NO fear of strangers which is equally relieving and terrifying. Livvy is very attuned to people's emotions. If Alice is crying, Livvy is the first to tell me "Awis sad!", or to come ask me "what's wrong?" when I can't hide tears in any longer. Livvy does a lot of pretending right now. We have a toy picnic set that she'll mimic eating from, and she mimics my scolding finger as I'm doing it to her (annoyingly cute). She's much more dramatic than Milo and throws herself on the floor in classic tantrum style when she feels her life is unfair. She still walks on tiptoes and loves shoes, but her very favorite things are whatever Milo is doing. She adores her brother and has a hard time functioning without him.

Milo is stringing together unique sentences instead of parroting things back to us. He loves to sing "Jingle Bells" in the car and count the motorcycles that we pass. He just exited another growth spurt and is in all 4T clothes with size 12 feet. I lost him in Target last month (still recovering from that) and the employee that found him radioed over the intercom system that someone's 5-year-old was up at the front of the store. We've been working on manners for a while and one morning when the toaster popped up, he said, "Bless you, Alice!". Daniel Tiger has been saving our bacon with the little songs they sing throughout the show. There's a song about taking turns and being calm that he'll sing when the need arises. We recently transitioned him into a toddler bed and I was super stressed about it since sleep is a precious commodity here. I needn't have worried though; Milo will NOT leave the bed until either Kyle or I deliberately say he can. Even during his "quiet time", he'll sit at the edge of the bed, not putting a toe over it until we come in. Who knows how long that will last, but we're not complaining!

They are Siblings in every sense of the word. Milo constantly says, "Wivvy! Come here!" only to smack her around. She likes to pull his hair when they sit in their carseats. They love to wrestle. I was worried that Milo could really hurt Livvy because of his size, but homegurl holds her own just fine. She's a speed demon and very coordinated for her age. If she can't out punch him, she just runs away faster. Livvy teaches Milo new words and Milo teaches her how to use them in context. It's really cool to see. Except when it's "mine". Livvy first said "mine!" when reaching for a toy, but Milo first used it an sentence by saying, "Livvy! That's my car!", so Livvy can now yield the word to great effect. We are now working on the concept of sharing and it's not going well currently! In some ways, having a third kid has felt a bit like having just one again because of how well Livvy and Milo play together. With their ages I still do a good deal of refereeing, but I've had an unexpected amount of time to dedicate to Alice which has been a blessing since it's been needed.

These days, our typical schedule goes something like this:
7am: Feed Alice & get myself ready for the day
8-9am: Kids up, dressed, fed, and ready for the day
10-11:30am: Free play time
11am: Feed Alice
11:30am: OUT, OUT, OUT. I try and get physically out of the house to a park or splash pad at least twice a week. Usually we're outside in our backyard with a big bowl of water & some cups, chalk, bubbles, or picking out rocks though.
1/1:30pm: Lunch
1:30pm: Naps (or Milo's quiet time). Also when I do approximately a million things around the house
3pm: Feed Alice
4/4:30: Kids up, diapers changed
4:30-6: Kids play independently
6:30pm: Dinner
7pm: Feed Alice
7:30-8:30/9: Family time. Usually we go for a walk, sometimes we watch a movie, sometimes we'll play with them and their toys
9-11:30: Kyle and I wind down
11pm: Feed Alice
11:30/midnight: We go to bed

.... even just writing that tires me out haha.

I think the best way I can sum up the transition is that some days I crush it, and other days it crushes me. Right now it's about 50/50 crushing it and being crushed, but the good news is that I know the odds are more in my favor having done this before. Truly, this is probably the craziest time of life for us right now (did I just jinx myself?!). All of our kids have immediate needs and very little independence. But we're also on the brink of that changing soon here. Milo and Livvy are just ~barely getting interested in the toilet (heaven help me!). I spent 20 minutes yesterday day-dreaming of what life with only one kid in diapers would be like. It was a good dream. But right now, parks, bugs, timeouts, sunscreen, reading books, diaper changing, sippy cups, and blankies fill my days. One day, I know, they won't need reading too. Or carseats. Or faces and hands wiped. I've heard I'll miss those things. And I'm beginning to see that might actually happen. I did tear up a bit putting Alice's newborn clothes away - something I hadn't yet done. So I try and bear that in mind on the days I spend 3 minutes in the church building before being thrown up and pooped on.

And on the days I forget you can find me beasting down a tub of Tillamook mint ice cream.




















Sunday, March 26

Alice Kay Tuft

I've struggled a bit putting Alice's birth into words. It did not go the way I had ideally mapped out and I've had a bit of a hard time coming to terms with that. Her delivery was very, very hard and one of the most spiritual and emotional experiences I've had in my life; it's a bit tricky finding words to describe the whole thing without making things sound too trivial or too personal. I even debated for a bit on whether or not I would write it down, but I know how helpful it is for me as I process the whole experience. Alice's labor was really just raw. I was drained in every aspect after she came but I have a renewed and deepened respect for the entire process, for which I'm grateful.

36 weeks came along and I started having more and more symptoms of preeclampsia. At my prenatal appointment for the week I brought up the symptoms and my midwives decided to have me tested for preeclampsia. I'm always a pretty tricky case with this because of my extremely low blood pressure, the most common symptom. The highest it's ever been is 120/80, and that was just this last week. Saturday afternoon I got a call from my midwife saying my urine test came back with pretty high levels of protein and that we'd need to have this baby asap. Preeclampsia is just not something you mess around with because you can go from being ok, to having seizures really quickly. They put me on bedrest for the weekend with instructions to start taking primrose oil immediately and a cotton bark tincture starting Monday night.

This entire pregnancy I was working to have the patience to go into labor by myself. In hindsight, I think I may have pushed myself too hard, too soon with Livvy's birth and it may have been a harder labor as a result. After Livvy's birth, I'd sworn to myself to just be patient the next time so I'd have the peace of mind of knowing my body and baby were truly ready. It was a big pill to swallow for me to realize that I didn't have that luxury this time, even though of course we wanted to make sure both Alice and I were safe. I went back and forth between being disappointed in my body and being grateful for the resources available to us to catch the issue early on. It honestly took me the entire weekend to come to terms with the situation and reframe my mentality.

Legally, I couldn't have a baby at a birth center until I hit full-term (37 weeks) which was Tuesday, March 21st. We were extremely grateful that I was able to wait until then as we still really wanted to deliver at the birth center and to labor without medication. We got ourselves scheduled to come in at 9am for the first round of induction methods and to establish a plan of action to get labor going.

Tuesday morning rolled in and Kyle and I went to the birth center. At the first check I was dilated to a 3 and 25% effaced. We decided to do a membrane strip as that had been really effective with Milo and fairly effective with Livvy. I had two strips done that morning and then we went home to see if contractions would start, with a follow-up appointment scheduled for 1:30. I was pretty crampy for an hour, but things really died down after that. I tried bouncing on my yoga ball, walking around, and going up and down stairs, without much effect. It looked like we'd definitely need another round of induction methods to get things going.

At the 1:30 appointment I was dilated to a 4, and still 25% effaced. We did another two membrane strips and I stretched to a 5 during that. With inductions, especially if you're not planning on using meds, there's a difficult balance between wanting to get things going quickly and making sure mom doesn't get too tired before it's time to labor. Since we were on the race against exhaustion, we also decided to start taking castor oil in hopes of speeding things up. A normal dosage of castor oil is 6 ounces, and we broke it up into 3 doses of 2 ounces, every 2 hours. I took my first dose at 2:30 and yes, it's as gross as everyone says. Castor oil has the viscosity of snot without much taste. Luckily my midwife had a diet coke ready for me to chase it down with ;)

We came home again and settled in keep the contractions going. My midwives said my body would need to catch up to the stretching they did so I might not have true contractions for a while yet. The first dose of castor oil tore through my system with a vengeance. It is an extremely strong laxative that agitates the digestive tract, fooling the uterus into going into labor. Things were definitely more crampy and uncomfortable, so I decided to lay down after my second dose of castor oil at 4:30pm in hopes of getting a nap in, just in case things starting progressing really fast. Around 5pm I noticed a change in the cramps and started timing them. They were getting more consistent and more intense -  about 5 minute apart, lasting 45 seconds; apparently the castor oil was effective. We were scheduled to call our midwives at 6:30 to check in and see how things were going. If nothing had progressed we would call it quits for the night so I could sleep and then we'd pick things up again in the morning.

The contractions stayed at that same frequency and very slowly got more intense. We called our midwives and they said to definitely take the last dose of castor oil and to call if things changed. I legit cried when they said that; the castor oil was so, so hard on my system. Conveniently, BYU had a volleyball game that night at 7 so we turned that on and I laid on the couch as things got more and more intense. I got to the point where I needed to moan through the contractions in order to get through them. I really, really wanted to hit transition before going to the birth center, but our midwife had let us know that she was about 40 minutes from the birth center, so it'd be better if we alerted her sooner rather than later. About 8 o'clock hit and I realized that if I didn't go soon, it'd be even harder to walk out of the house, so we called our midwife and got things ready to go. While Kyle, my mom, and Nicole got all of the gear packed, I laid on the couch watching the game, so shoutout to BYU for helping me pass the time!

We arrived at the birth center at 8:45 and I got checked to see where things were. I had dilated to a 6, but was now 75% effaced. I can't lie - I was pretty disappointed I wasn't further along. The midwives suggested that I try a few things to keep the contractions going. Kyle and I walked up and down the stairs, tried some spinning babies techniques, and then some abdominal lifts during contractions.




After a few hours of that, I started to get really, really tired. It'd been over 12 hours since our first round of induction, and I was very concerned I wasn't going to have the energy to keep going. I told my midwives I felt like I needed to rest if I was going to have a prayer of pushing out a baby still. They left Kyle and I alone (apart from checking on the baby's heart rate every 30 minutes) and I laid down on the bed to try and catch my breath. The contractions were very consistent and painful. There was a point soon after everyone left where I just broke down and cried. I was so frustrated that I needed to be induced and I knew this whole process was made harder because of the induction. Dealing with both the castor oil wreaking havoc on my system on top of the contractions was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I swung back and forth from nearly throwing up, to having to use the bathroom every 10 minutes, and both sensations intensified the contractions. It was at this point that I asked Kyle for a blessing. I was bone weary and at the utter end of my physical ability. We had the sweetest, most peaceful assurance come over us after the blessing, and I had the sense that somehow I would be able to do this.




For the next couple hours I laid on the bed, dealing with contractions coming in every 3 minutes, lasting over a minute. I kept munching on apples and drinking Propel to keep my energy levels up. Kyle held my hands and helped with my breathing through every single one of them. I'd start breathing heavy and he'd drop his food to hold my hand and coach me through it, even if that meant running back from the kitchen or out of the bathroom. My midwives nicknamed him Daddy Doula as he intuitively suggested exactly what they were about to suggest. The miracle of all of this is that I was able to actually sleep between each contraction. I still have no idea how I managed that. Eventually my midwives came in and asked if they could check me so we could determine if I needed to change positions to keep things progressing.

They checked me and I was dilated to a 9 and totally effaced! I was so happy I could've cried. I'd managed to rest AND my contractions had been effective! They asked if I wanted to do anything different, and I didn't. If it ain't broke, why fix it, ya know? Over the next 10-20 minutes, I started noticing some good pressure in my lower back. Then I started shaking pretty badly. I couldn't figure out what was going on. When my midwives came into check the baby's heart rate I asked why I was shaking so badly and what all the pressure in my back was about, they said I was probably in transition and probably feeling a little pushy. They checked the baby's station, and she was at a +1 (+4 is crowning). After hearing that, I geared up all my strength and decided it was time to push.

I asked to use the birthing stool, knowing that position would utilize gravity to help me push. The midwives set it up and Kyle led me to it. I sat on the stool and had Kyle kneel in front of me so he could keep helping me breathe through the contractions. At this point the contractions had lengthened, but they were so, so intense. I knew I was on the Baby Train. Mom came around my back and pressed her hands against my tailbone through each contraction. During the first 3 contractions on the stool, I simply let them wave over me and just breathed through them. Then Kyle reminded me that I needed to bear down during them. I had a moment where I thought, "Bear down? What..... is..... bearing down?". My brain immediately sifted through all the movements that would be the least painful for me, and then the distant muscle memory came to mind. I remembered what I needed to do.

Those last pushes before the baby comes are just indescribable. I doubt I'll ever have words for them. It's as powerful as the force behind moving mountains and utterly overwhelming that a human body, my body, houses that force. On the second push, someone said, "stop!" so I relaxed my muscles. Alice's umbilical cord was around her neck so they lifted it over. On the third push, at 2:16 AM, Kyle guided her out, and milliseconds later she was finally in my arms.


The next 20 minutes are a blur of hormones and bliss. I vaguely remember moving back to the bed. I know I laughed and cried. I will never forget looking at Alice's face for the first time. She knew me, and we had done it! It really felt like she had worked with my body throughout the whole process. Alice latched on to nurse immediately and perfectly, resting so calmly in my arms; it felt as if she recognized that she was exactly where she needed to be.

After an hour of examining her and coming down off the labor high, the midwives came into check all of our vitals. I had avoided tearing (yay!!); Alice weighed 7lbs, 7 oz, and was 19.5 inches long.

It seems trite to say, but I absolutely could not have labored without Kyle. There were times where I felt like I literally pulled strength from him when my body just didn't have anything left to give. This labor gave us a chance to truly work together in a way I didn't know was possible and once again solidified in my mind how much of a team we are.


Alice girl, we love you so much. Now that you're here, I would absolutely go through it all again knowing you're the reward waiting for our family. Thank you for joining us.




*** Big shoutout to Liz for taking all these pictures. I will treasure them forever. Also, big thanks to my mom and Nicole for their support and help during the whole thing. And a huge thank you to Kyle's parents for watching Milo and Livvy for us! It was a big relief to know they were in the best of hands.

Wednesday, March 1

3rd Pregnancy

The great thing about this 3rd pregnancy is the delicious sense of "chill" I have. It's not my first time, every bodily change isn't new or quite so painful as the first, and time goes by SO much faster when you're chasing two kids around. I had some personal mile markers during pregnancy that served as bright spots for me; I knew I'd start feeling functional again around 11-12 weeks. I didn't download any pregnancy apps until I thought about it somewhere after the halfway point. I was shocked when my midwife said it was now time to start coming in every two weeks at my 28 week appointment. My brain goes totally blank when I'm asked how far along I am. I just barely bought this baby a few things for the first time last week. I have very few questions during my prenatal exams. I know I hit my very "done" point around 34 weeks (yeah, that's this week!) but I also know that I will eventually have the baby just after I accept I'll be that weird girl on the news that's pregnant for 17 years.

It's just really wonderful to have some perspective on the whole thing. Instead of devoting my time to things I now know are more trivial (ie: nursery, stocked diaper bag, what I'm bringing to the birth center, worrying about fetal development constantly), I can focus on things that I know I'll need more (making sure my nursing gear is fully operational, stocking up on household basics, meal planning/prepping etc.). I'm devoting more time to the present than looking forward to the future. I'm trying my best to make sure I am spending time with the kids. I am more quick to forgive myself and let go of what I'm no longer physically capable of, which always seems to be my hardest challenge while pregnant. I don't use any mental energy to be guilty over taking a nap. It's been easier for me to recognize when a hard day is due to hormones and to tell Kyle, "I'm just having a sad day today". I know I feel worse about myself and my role as wife and mom if I don't accomplish something during the day, even it's as small as sweeping. I made the decision to nest at the beginning of the year and came up with 12 projects to complete, one a week until the due date. This probably has been my smartest pregnancy hack to alleviate boredom & stay busy, accomplish something necessary, while still being flexible enough for the very tired days that happen.

What's even nicer is the overall sense of perspective I have now. I was really worried how Milo would adjust when we brought home Livvy. I did a fair amount of research into handling the whole ordeal and of course, it didn't play out in the way I expected whatsoever. Milo gave her a massive hug at the first meeting and then was uninterested for the first 6 months of her life. I don't think we'll have the exact same reception when we bring home this baby, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was similar. In either case, I'm just not worried about it in quite the same way. I don't have that same feeling of making my kids grow up too fast, or doing them a disservice by bringing a new baby home. In many ways I've been able to focus on my family as a whole unit, knowing that the baby will fit herself into our lives seamlessly and beautifully.

It's relieving to know that a lot of the parenting decisions are no longer a matter of "what do we do about x" as it is a matter of "how do we implement x". And even more relieving to know that you don't really "parent" a new baby so much as just keep it alive for the first year haha. I told my mom recently that I'll mostly need her help with the other kids when she's here, because the newborn will be the easy one - a sentence I never dreamed would come out of my mouth when I was drowning in the overwhelming newness after I had Milo.

What has been the most special part of this whole pregnancy is the constant affirmations that Kyle and I have made the right decisions for our family. 3 under 3 is crazy, and there are days, after one too many timeouts, where I think to myself in horror, "what have we done?!", and every time I'm immediately reassured in some way that this is what we're supposed to be doing. It's been a massive blessing to realize how aware God is of me and my family and it's made me grateful for this pregnancy in a way I didn't know I could be.

34 weeks with Milo, Livvy, and Baby Tuft #3 (left to right)

Tuesday, January 24

The Kids Are Alright

Just a quick kid update since I'm realizing it's been a really long time since I did one of those:

Milo:
Milo is 2 1/2 and finally putting together some sentences. Verbally he's progressing just fine as far as boys go, but man alive it's so hard sometimes when he can't communicate what he wants! We've been working really hard to help him identify his emotions. A few of our breakthrough moments were of him saying, "I'm sad" when he tripped, "help please!" and guiding me to the problem, and his first proper use of pronouns yelling, "I POOPED" as he walked down the stairs one morning. While he's not speaking a whole lot, his comprehension is just staggering. He's correctly counting things in his books, recognizes specific words in any context, and can follow multiple steps of instructions.

Milo is one of the most even tempered kids I've come across. He doesn't wear his emotions on his sleeve so he seems really stoic, but he's quick to smile and laugh when he wants too. His biggest tantrums come when we're transitioning activities and I think it's because he gets so laser-focused on the task at hand that it takes a lot of effort for him to pull away from it. That along with his lack of communication makes things very frustrating for him and us occasionally.

Physically, Milo is absolutely huge. Just a giant. Whenever I put him in a cart at Target I get weird looks from people because his feet dangle halfway down and it looks like I'm still making my 4-year-old sit in a cart. He's thinned out a lot the last few months. The 3T jeans I bought him in September and had to cuff 2 inches are close to being high waters on him. He's wearing size 10-11 shoes and is just shy of 40 lbs. We've had to move him up to 4T footie pj's since he was walking around with a perma-wedgie! With his size comes a lot of strength; at a playdate a few months ago he threw a tricycle it at some kid :/ We're working on helping him realize how strong he actually is so he doesn't accidently hurt other kids.

Milo's very favorite thing to do is read books. A few weeks ago I went in to check on him before going to bed and he had climbed out of his crib, grabbed most of his books, and was sitting on his chair reading them. We have no idea how long he'd been out of his crib (or that he even could climb out?) but we're just grateful that's all he did! He really loves Magic School Bus, veggies (particularly salad?), everything that has wheels, ring-around-the-rosie, his Etch-a-Sketch, and ordering things according to size, color, and type (no idea where he gets that from...). Milo's extremely curious and is already constantly asking, "what's that!" about everything. He needs a lot of alone time during the day to just sit and explore things. That's been one of the more unusual things for me to get used since I am NOT that way at all.

Milo is extremely wary of being unsteady on his feet. Sometimes I wonder if he's afraid of his own height! He does NOT like climbing things, going down slides, jumping, or being upside down. This tempers his curiosity with a healthy dose of wariness which I'm really thankful for because he could be getting into a LOT of stuff with how tall and strong he is! He also really dislikes thunder & lightning, messes of all kinds, and having to put his toys away.

Milo is very sweet to his sister for the most part. There are normal sibling squabbles, especially with Livvy following him around like a puppy and him needing more alone time, but Milo is more than happy to have someone to play with. We frequently hear him saying, "come on, Wivvy!" as they climb up the stairs to play, and he loves to surprise/scare her since she laughs so hard at it. Milo's also become a little protective of her which I never expected. At the playground the other day, a 4-year-old was pushing Livvy out of the way so he could go down the slide and Milo turned to him and yelled, "NO!!". The kid was shocked (it helps that Milo was taller than him), and then went back down the stairs. It was really cute until Milo turned and pushed Livvy down the slide. Apparently pushing her is a job reserved for him haha.





Livvy:
Livvy is 15 months old and started the new year off with a bang by walking and climbing like she's always known how to do it. We went to Reno to meet up with some friends and I swear the change of environment catapulted her into walking. That and attending nursery for the first time and seeing that everyone else was walking. If we thought Livvy was active before now, boy were we wrong. SHE DOES NOT STOP MOVING and she is fearless. She doesn't stop moving even in her sleep; she is the most restless sleeper I've ever seen and half the time I find her asleep sitting up! She doesn't have a long attention span and goes from activity to activity lightening fast. Before I even knew she could climb the stairs, she was up half of them before I could blink. While Milo stands at the tops of the slides, refusing to go down, Livvy pushes him aside and goes down head first. I used to have panic attacks over her accidently hurting herself, but when she falls, she just gets annoyed and bounces back up.

Livvy girl LOVES food. Just absolutely loves it. Her very favorites are mangoes, avocados, oatmeal, peas, and bananas. I honestly don't know if there's been a point where she was so full she was turning food away. She will always, always open her mouth if you offer her something which is impressive since she only has 4 teeth still. I'm really thankful for her appetite because she certainly needs it. At her most recent appointment she was measuring in the 96th percentile across the board. Our pediatrician commented that we make big, symmetrical children haha. Between her verbal and physical progress she's burning through calories like crazy!

Livvy shocked me to my core when one day she started saying "mama" at 11 months old. I just sat there looking at her really confused and she said it a few more times. Since then she also hasn't stopped talking. Soon we were hearing "daddy", then "Wivvy!" and we taught her how to say "please" by feeding her bits of cake. She repeats everything we're saying and loves when Milo talks to her in the backseat of the car. When she gets really hangry, she'll go through every word she knows knowing that one of them might at least trigger us into giving her some food.

What has surprised me the most with Livvy is just how easy it is to tell how she's feeling. For the most part she's extremely happy and lights up every time we come into the room which just makes our day. The flipside of that though is that she can throw colossal tantrums. At first we genuinely thought something was wrong every time she did this, but the tantrums grew suspect when they immediately stopped after picking her up ;) Livvy's emotions are much more of a roller coaster than Milo's, but luckily she's young enough that nothing upsets her too much for the time being. Livvy also seems to be very in-tune to others' emotions. Whenever I'm feeling sad, she'll race up to me and give me a micro-hug by putting her head on my legs. It's heartbreakingly adorable, even if it's short-lived ;)

Livvy absolutely adores Milo. Anything that he is doing is immediately the new, cool thing to do. Any toy he's playing with, anything he says, any book he's reading, Livvy insists on imitating him. Right now we're working on making sure she also learns how to spend time alone since she hasn't had much experience with that. The first few days/weeks of this were NOT fun, but she's gotten a lot better. She's just now starting to be interested in looking at books (as opposed to eating them), stacking blocks, and racing cars around, but mostly she just prefers to be moving; climbing on the couches and out of her highchair (!!), up and down the stairs, and racing around the living room.





We've been doing our best to prepare them both for our new baby. My hope is that they'll keep each other entertained and occupied a lot once this new baby comes. I think Livvy might "get" it a tiny bit more than Milo; either that or Milo just isn't interested at all. I'll ask Livvy where the baby is and she immediately pulls my shirt up and hugs my belly. I once got Milo to put his hands on my belly, but baby girl kicked his hand and he freaked OUT. Probably scarred him, poor kid. I was getting a little worried about how this transition would go, but then as we were in line to checkout at Costco, the gal in front of us had a new baby in a carseat in her cart. The baby started crying and both Milo and Livvy were riveted. Milo kept saying, "baby sad!" and both of them were looking at me with a lot of concern in their faces. For a full 5 minutes neither kids looked away from that crying baby and because I'm a pregnant hormonal mess, I was crying by the time I had to pay.

With Livvy walking now it's like a light switch went off and all the hard moments of having them 15 months apart is paying off. It was a lot of work in the beginning. I had to tell myself mentally that I actually had twins so that I wouldn't overestimate Milo's abilities; he seemed so much older once I had Livvy so I had to constantly remind myself of his age. The downside of having kids so close together are all the immediate needs the parents have to help them with. The lack of independence of multiple kids is exhausting and often overwhelming. Now that they're older and slightly more independent, all of that hard work is paying off. Neither kid has known what life is like without a sibling to have to share toys with, take turns, be gentle towards, and get along with. That doesn't mean that there aren't tantrums and unkindness ever, but I think we missed a lot of that adjustment stage. Milo and Livvy are the best of friends and I hope that continues throughout their lives.






All pictures taken by Chris Romney. Look him up on Instagram! @chrisromney.art
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