Married life is different than I thought it would be. Not in a good or bad way exactly, but exactly in those ways as well.
Perhaps I should explain.
I think sometimes we read all these cute blogs of married women and we get the mistaken notion that "wow, their marriage must be amazing ALL THE TIME!" And maybe sometime this is the case. I do also happen to know (from experience even) that the good times are often the one's worth posting about, so we usually get an unbalanced perspective. Granted, no one wants to read every one's dirty laundry, nor do I feel like that laundry should be "let out" over the internet.
So with that in mind, I'm going to attempt to share a glimpse into my relationship with hubbers; a real glimpse.
We get into arguments. Usually it starts off about something really small (ie: paper towels vs. sponges, how much rice does the rice cooker hold, "I thought you said...", you brush your teeth HOW?!?! etc.) and goes from there. This compounded by the fact that....
We often miscommunicate. Having lived with mostly women all my life I've found that most of our communication is non-verbal so we oftentimes infuse meaning into the smallest, unspoken details because that's how we communicate to each other. I wouldn't ever say aloud to a girl friend, "wow, I'm really mad at you today because you totally didn't take out the garbage like you said you would." Instead, I just get mad, say it's fine, and stay mad. She could probably figure out the reason (maybe because we pay more attention to the garbage details....?) and fix it. With my sisters and roommates, I could pretty much guess what they were upset/hurt/happy/sad about without much communication. Guys, in general, don't do this so well. They can see the emotion but the reason for the emotion is a mystery; we get mad, and they have no idea why. It's not fair to be mad at them and not explain your feelings. Guys will tell you exactly what they're thinking or feeling, and that really is all they're thinking/feeling. No need to infuse meaning in details; they verbalize them all.
We have different sleeping habits. If Kyle could, he would never sleep because he thinks it's a waste of time but he takes 2+ hour naps every time. I personally live to sleep, and if I nap it's usually for an hour or less. I prefer going to bed early (that's relative here... 10-11 is what I shoot for) and getting up early (6:30-7:30). Kyle likes staying up late and getting up early. I have a hard time waking up, but Kyle jumps out of bed each morning.
Perhaps I should explain.
I think sometimes we read all these cute blogs of married women and we get the mistaken notion that "wow, their marriage must be amazing ALL THE TIME!" And maybe sometime this is the case. I do also happen to know (from experience even) that the good times are often the one's worth posting about, so we usually get an unbalanced perspective. Granted, no one wants to read every one's dirty laundry, nor do I feel like that laundry should be "let out" over the internet.
So with that in mind, I'm going to attempt to share a glimpse into my relationship with hubbers; a real glimpse.
We get into arguments. Usually it starts off about something really small (ie: paper towels vs. sponges, how much rice does the rice cooker hold, "I thought you said...", you brush your teeth HOW?!?! etc.) and goes from there. This compounded by the fact that....
We often miscommunicate. Having lived with mostly women all my life I've found that most of our communication is non-verbal so we oftentimes infuse meaning into the smallest, unspoken details because that's how we communicate to each other. I wouldn't ever say aloud to a girl friend, "wow, I'm really mad at you today because you totally didn't take out the garbage like you said you would." Instead, I just get mad, say it's fine, and stay mad. She could probably figure out the reason (maybe because we pay more attention to the garbage details....?) and fix it. With my sisters and roommates, I could pretty much guess what they were upset/hurt/happy/sad about without much communication. Guys, in general, don't do this so well. They can see the emotion but the reason for the emotion is a mystery; we get mad, and they have no idea why. It's not fair to be mad at them and not explain your feelings. Guys will tell you exactly what they're thinking or feeling, and that really is all they're thinking/feeling. No need to infuse meaning in details; they verbalize them all.
We have different sleeping habits. If Kyle could, he would never sleep because he thinks it's a waste of time but he takes 2+ hour naps every time. I personally live to sleep, and if I nap it's usually for an hour or less. I prefer going to bed early (that's relative here... 10-11 is what I shoot for) and getting up early (6:30-7:30). Kyle likes staying up late and getting up early. I have a hard time waking up, but Kyle jumps out of bed each morning.
I grew up in a loud family.
Kyle's family is quiet(er).
This is evident when we argue. I flare up and raise my voice, he stays calm and level-headed (which sometimes makes me more frustrated... just get MAD already!!)
I hate being late and getting lost. Kyle's internal clock is a little off and he has a harder time with directions. Car rides get interesting.
I prefer planned spontaneity. Oxymoron much? I like being spontaneous, but only when I've allowed a specific block of time for it to happen. This fits in well with the fact that I'm a HUGE planner and derailing the plan is comparable to... to... well something really bad. Kyle is a lot more easy-going and is extremely flexible with his time. It doesn't bother him when plans change, but it will throw my entire day off.
Kyle always gives people second chances. He trusts easily and gives that trust unconditionally. He really accepts people for their whole selves. He expects people to really do what they say they will do because he does. Doing this though has put him in a position of being taken advantage of. Good thing he's so forgiving! I approach life with the attitude of "expect people to NOT do what they say they will, and then be pleasantly surprised if they follow through." I don't trust easily and when someone breaks that trust, it's very hard for me to forgive and forget. This keeps me from getting taken advantage of (ie: group projects) but it also keeps me from having a optimistic outlook on humanity.
Kyle doesn't remember details very well. Specific phrasing, times, clothes and surroundings escape him, but he holds onto the feeling of the moment forever as well as the written word. I'm just the opposite. I can remember where we were, what you were wearing, and what was said verbatim, but I cannot for the life of me remember what I read in a book last week or if I was angry when I said something.
Our definitions of "quality time" are different. I love having Kyle to myself; no phones, tv, laptops, people or distractions. I love talking to him about my highest aspirations, errant thoughts that pop in my head and my deepest fears. I love learning how he thinks as I listen to him. Quality time to me means distraction free, one-on-one time. For Kyle, quality time is when I'm simply around him. We can be side-by-side in the same room, completely absorbed in our own tasks and he will be content knowing that I'm there. He will have felt like we just had our quality time, and I will have felt like I haven't really seen him after that.
My point in showing these differences is to illustrate the fact that marriages do work when you have them... especially if you have them. The differences have helped us realize new weaknesses and strengths that we have. They have helped us to come together and create goals for our marriage and our relationship. While we may fight and bicker sometimes, the differences even help us to remember why we love each other, and why we're willing to "put-up" with the other through the hard times. Some of the most powerful relationships are built on principles of equality and difference. Black and white pictures are beautiful because each color highlights the other color's strengths and limitations; the grey areas arise from the merging of black and white, strength and weakness. I think marriages can be the same way too. I hope to use our differences to continue creating a black and white image of our realized goals.
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Kyle's family is quiet(er).
This is evident when we argue. I flare up and raise my voice, he stays calm and level-headed (which sometimes makes me more frustrated... just get MAD already!!)
I hate being late and getting lost. Kyle's internal clock is a little off and he has a harder time with directions. Car rides get interesting.
I prefer planned spontaneity. Oxymoron much? I like being spontaneous, but only when I've allowed a specific block of time for it to happen. This fits in well with the fact that I'm a HUGE planner and derailing the plan is comparable to... to... well something really bad. Kyle is a lot more easy-going and is extremely flexible with his time. It doesn't bother him when plans change, but it will throw my entire day off.
Kyle always gives people second chances. He trusts easily and gives that trust unconditionally. He really accepts people for their whole selves. He expects people to really do what they say they will do because he does. Doing this though has put him in a position of being taken advantage of. Good thing he's so forgiving! I approach life with the attitude of "expect people to NOT do what they say they will, and then be pleasantly surprised if they follow through." I don't trust easily and when someone breaks that trust, it's very hard for me to forgive and forget. This keeps me from getting taken advantage of (ie: group projects) but it also keeps me from having a optimistic outlook on humanity.
Kyle doesn't remember details very well. Specific phrasing, times, clothes and surroundings escape him, but he holds onto the feeling of the moment forever as well as the written word. I'm just the opposite. I can remember where we were, what you were wearing, and what was said verbatim, but I cannot for the life of me remember what I read in a book last week or if I was angry when I said something.
Our definitions of "quality time" are different. I love having Kyle to myself; no phones, tv, laptops, people or distractions. I love talking to him about my highest aspirations, errant thoughts that pop in my head and my deepest fears. I love learning how he thinks as I listen to him. Quality time to me means distraction free, one-on-one time. For Kyle, quality time is when I'm simply around him. We can be side-by-side in the same room, completely absorbed in our own tasks and he will be content knowing that I'm there. He will have felt like we just had our quality time, and I will have felt like I haven't really seen him after that.
My point in showing these differences is to illustrate the fact that marriages do work when you have them... especially if you have them. The differences have helped us realize new weaknesses and strengths that we have. They have helped us to come together and create goals for our marriage and our relationship. While we may fight and bicker sometimes, the differences even help us to remember why we love each other, and why we're willing to "put-up" with the other through the hard times. Some of the most powerful relationships are built on principles of equality and difference. Black and white pictures are beautiful because each color highlights the other color's strengths and limitations; the grey areas arise from the merging of black and white, strength and weakness. I think marriages can be the same way too. I hope to use our differences to continue creating a black and white image of our realized goals.
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