Anson Peter Tuft

If you know me, you know I've made NO BONES in sharing how difficult Alice's labor was. Necessary, but really, really hard. It took me a couple of years to process that experience and frankly, Anson's birth actually gave me a lot of closure on Alice's birth. Pre-kid me thought that labor was only a physical experience, but 4th-kid me knows that there's a very important emotional and spiritual component that is terribly difficult to articulate. Anson's birth allowed me to marry all of those aspects better than I ever have before and it was really redemptive, which I needed. It seems fitting Anson came the week of Thanksgiving as my heart has been overflowing with gratitude for him and our experience together.

Anson has been in our hearts for much longer than he's been on the earth. Since the tail end of 2017, Livvy has been asking us where her baby brother is. Over the next 2 years she'd occasionally tell friends and family that we were gonna have a baby boy - way, WAY before we were thinking about #4. I think she planned a coordinated attack with Milo because it wasn't too long before he started praying for his little brother too. Livvy actually announced our news at a family dinner by offering to pray, and asking Heavenly Father to "please bless her baby brother" (though we hadn't told the kids at this point that we were expecting!). The whole pregnancy was a really unique and cool experience with kids who were old enough to care. Milo was intensely interested in the development of the baby; he'd daily ask me updates on the umbilical cord in particular. The girls loved the fruit comparisons week by week. To say we were excited to meet Anson would be an understatement!

My official due date was November 21st. I'm aware there's a +/-2 week differential around that, but we fully anticipated that I'd be having a baby much earlier than the 21st given our prior experiences.

*Laughs*

Night of November 12th I went in for a non-stress test. I had a confirmed small leak of amniotic fluid, which wasn't out of the ordinary (the outer membrane of fluid always leaks for me); however, I hadn't felt much movement from Anson so we decided to get it all checked out. My midwives hooked me up to the monitors and I was apparently in active labor. I don't know how you don't KNOW you're in active labor, but there I was. Consistent, classic, 5-1-1 contractions, and dilated to a 3. We felt the timing was ironic since my mom was flying in the the next night; babies come at the most inconvenient time. My midwife offered to do a membrane sweep to get the ball rolling, but my one goal for this entire pregnancy was to go into labor on my own. I had a hunch that if I could be patient and let my body do its thing that the whole labor process would be easier for me. Since Anson checked out fine we decided to go home that night and wait it out. I could tell I was no where near pushing a baby out and I prefer to labor at home anyway. The contractions died out overnight and I had nothing more the next day. Felt slightly achy, but nothing else noticeable. Thankfully mom arrived night of the 13th, and we all thought I'd launch into labor with her arrival. There's some subconscious relaxing that happens knowing my mom's here and my other kids are taken care of. I've found it's nearly impossible for me to go into labor when I'm stressed out.

Well, it turns out I went in and out of active labor 5 more times  over the next 2 weeks. All of the labor happened at night, between 2-6am. I wasn't fully awake, but I was in and out of restless sleep during those hours. I'd wake up feeling like I hadn't slept and was extremely sore all over. We were concerned that I'd continue to have rough nights and be too fatigued BEFORE labor even begun, so we decided to do 2 membrane sweeps morning of the 17th. That was a really hard decision for me to swallow because of my goal, but between the amniotic leak, and the flakiness of labor, it felt like the right decision. We went walking for 4 miles that day and nothing came of it. It was disappointing, but since I really wanted to go into active labor on my own, I was moderately ok with waiting more. I chalked it up to my body just not being ready yet, even though I was 4.5 cm dilated at that point, and steeled myself for more terrible nights.

Thankfully the next few nights passed without incident! I was able to sleep through the entire night without any contractions. We watched my due date go by in some surprise and celebrated with Mora ice cream. I was bummed to see it pass, mostly because I didn't want Anson to have Thanksgiving birthdays and I was definitely ready to not be pregnant anymore. Physically I was getting really uncomfortable but the mental game was infinitely harder. I'm so grateful my mom was in town to help keep me occupied. Type-A me felt like I was getting credit deducted from my "project" by turning it in late!

Night of the 22nd was a terrible night again; up for 4 hours in active labor, then it all died off shortly after sunrise. At that point I was exhausted on every level and just very, very done. We felt really good about trying for more membrane sweeps to try and launch labor. Pam took the kids and we went in for 3 sweeps the following Saturday in combination with every midwives tale you've ever heard of. At my first membrane sweep I was dilated to a 7 which was shocking. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE IN ACTIVE LABOR AT 7CM?! I was really happy that all those nights of contractions weren't for anything, but it was maddening that my body wasn't sustaining labor. The day ultimately ended with no active labor, and no baby.

We decided to do one more membrane sweep the following day (Sunday), and then we'd look at other methods of induction, again with the goal of really trying to get labor going. Mentally & emotionally, I was in rough shape, not to mention physically drained. We went in at 10:30am for the sweep; I was completely effaced and still at a 7. I came home and did more pumping, yoga ball bouncing, some walking, and I even had a very low-dose Castor oil chocolate and peanut butter shake. If that doesn't communicate how done I was, I don't know what does!

Around 1pm I started to feel tired so I turned Avengers Endgame on to pass the time until our next appointment at 3. I continued to pump a little bit, stay hydrated, and eat some good food. I started to feel a some good, intense contractions and decided to time them. I had an hour of contractions, lasting 30 seconds, about 3-5 minutes apart. Nothing unbreathable, so I kept watching the movie.

I lost conscious track of the movie somewhere after the Avengers crew all jumped back in time to get the Infinity Stones. Something had shifted and my brain started floating. I don't remember Kyle calling the midwives, but at some point he did. I remember him leading me to the car. I remember I felt incredibly nauseous and mom grabbed me a bowl to hold for the car ride. I got very shaky and instructions were hard to process. I remember getting out of the car and walking into the birth center. I remember that everything felt hot. SO HOT. I was sweating through everything and stripped to the bare minimum immediately.

I remember grabbing the yoga ball and leaning over it. There were tears as the muscle memories of contractions and pushing came back to my body in full force. A lot of people say you forget the pain of labor, and I think that's generally true, but for me the memories come back like a train once I'm in labor again.

I started getting a lot of back pain which was odd because I had made sure Anson was in an anterior position before my contractions started. I kept thinking I needed to stay in a somewhat "hands and knees" position to help alleviate the back pain. I hopped up on the bed and did just that but it didn't feel right. The only position I felt slightly comfortable in was laying on my right side on the bed. I labored for a while in that position with Kyle pushing on my lower back through each contraction. I remember that it was somewhere during this time my sisters and Liz arrived at the birth center.

Going into transition was nowhere near as distinct this time as it was with Alice. I have no idea when I hit it. I remember feeling shaky, sweaty, and nauseous a few times throughout the whole process. At some point though I started to feel a little pushy, so I immediately asked for the birthing stool. My brain knew it wanted to use gravity to help get him out. I sat on that thing for all of 5 minutes. It wasn't..... right which just didn't make sense to my brain.

I got back in bed and laid on my side. Mentally I argued that I couldn't possibly push a baby out in this position. It wasn't ideal! I rode through intense contractions for a while. At one point something peaked and my water burst like a massive water balloon. I soaked a few people (including my mom!). It was shortly after that that my contractions reached a point that I lost a lot of my ability to think rationally. It was just survival.

There's always a moment in labor that just breaks me. There's a wall that I hit where I just know I can't do it anymore. It involves a lot of tears. A lot of yelling. Probably some swearing. Some hyperventilating. I had hoped to escape that moment this time around since I was an "experienced mom". LOL.

Kyle kept me grounded through the whole thing. He reminded me when and how to breathe and kept pushing on my back through the contractions. That was the only thing that provided any relief for my back. Mom held both my hands as I figured out how to engage my whole body into pushing. I ended up doing something like pull-ups, but on my side. I remember someone telling me to "push" and I yelled back, "He doesn't want me to right now!" It was an odd moment of clarity as I realized that I had articulated a subconscious knowledge. I was more in tune with my body than I had realized. It was incredibly empowering and motivating which was exactly what I needed.

I didn't have a clue what time it was or how long I pushed, but I remember feeling like it was taking a while. I kept asking if I was doing it right, or if I needed to move into a better position. My midwife reassured me that I was doing great and to just trust my body. I'm really grateful she said those things during labor; I think I had a lost a lot of confidence in my ability to birth a baby with Alice's birth. It was reassuring to know that she trusted me to do what I needed to do.

The last few pushes will never have the words to adequately describe them. I remember screaming for help and barely hanging on to the present. I had my eyes closed and I prayed for strength to meet my baby. One lion-roar later and he crowned. Someone said to "relax slowly" and I did. I heard someone say something about an arm. Another lion-roar push. Someone said he had hair and my eyes snapped open. Side-lying gave me a shockingly clear view of his head which was completely out. I sobbed with happiness and the last lion-roar push felt like a triumph as he came free.

Kyle moved Anson up to my arms and I just cried and cried. I had done it. I was capable of birthing a baby. I doubt I'll have many more experiences that will feel as triumphant as that moment did for me.

All the afterbirth stuff checked out just fine. I was relieved to find out I didn't tear. Putting the pieces together we realized that Anson had his left arm around his neck, elbow close to the chin, hand by his ear as he came through the birth canal. We're pretty sure that his arm is what caused me to go in and out of active labor as it would press on my cervix, and then move off it. It's also what caused all the back pain, the longer pushing time, and why I felt like I needed to lay on my right side while pushing.

Anson has been a true gift to our family. The first meeting with siblings is always so special. The girls ran up and gushed and cooed over his tiny features while Milo hung back a bit. Once the girls were done, Milo came up and quietly asked to hold Anson. Milo grinned, kissed Anson's head, and held him gently for a few minutes. It was pretty obvious that their bond is an old one.

Postpartum has been easier than I anticipated. Juggling schedules will always be a challenge to figure out but we've had load of help. I had a few insane afterbirth pains that I'd like to never repeat, but overall it's been very manageable. It was wonderful to celebrate Thanksgiving with family and to reflect on our blessings. Having a new family member really really drives home the things that matter most in life. We adore our baby Anson and feel really honored to be his family.

Thanks to Liz and Jillian for these photos!!