The Baby That Wasn't

Don't worry - I'm still pregnant!!

However, I feel like I need to share a bit of our summer. It's hard for me to write this. It's hard for me to admit that as well. I hope my experience, and my sharing that experience, provides a small degree of comfort for those that need it.

One day in June I woke up absolutely knowing that I was pregnant. I ran down the stairs to confirm it with a pregnancy test and I was completely right. Two little lines appeared! I excitedly ran to tell Kyle and then we tried to figure out the possible due date. Between nursing and being pregnant less than a year prior my cycles were extremely erratic. It dawned on me that I had actually just completed a cycle less than two days ago; how in the world could I have a positive pregnancy test this soon after a period? They're not supposed to be accurate until a week after a missed period. I called our midwife and she suggested coming in to start a blood test. It'd measure the HCG hormone in my blood and if it increased over time, then that would mean I was pregnant.

We were sort of pressed against a deadline because we were leaving on family vacation less than 10 days later. Over those 10 days I got two blood draws. I annoyingly called our midwife often to see if the results had come in. Finally, AN HOUR before we left for the airport, the results were in; I was pregnant! We would go in for an ultrasound once we got back to nail down a due date.

Our family vacation in Oregon with the Tuft's was awesome. I don't really start to having pregnancy symptoms until about the 5th week which would occur right about when we got back home, so I thought I was in the clear.

We were in Astoria touring a lighthouse when I realized something was very wrong. I hadn't been too crampy but I suddenly felt like I had wet myself. I ran to find a bathroom and found a lot of unpleasantness. This wasn't normal pregnancy bleeding. Since that first positive test, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. A positive tests two days after ending a period was too suspect. I realized in that bathroom in Astoria that this little baby wasn't meant to be.

Did you know that your fertility increases after a miscarriage?

Did you know that 1 in 6 women experience a miscarriage?

Did you know that you can miscarry and not even know it?

Did you know that there are very specific reasons for a miscarriage, but that you'll hardly ever know WHY it happened?

Did you know it's not your fault? That nothing is wrong with your body?

Logically I knew all of this. I'd futilely try and comfort myself over the next two awful weeks of cramping by reminding myself of these answers. No, I didn't eat something I shouldn't have. No I didn't exercise too hard. No, my body wasn't defective. Yes, there's a reason for this.

But did also you know that logic doesn't help when in grief? That no matter how much you tell yourself that this is natural and normal and necessary you'll probably still feel on some level that you are to blame? No matter how much you tell yourself that this is probably for the best, it doesn't barricade you from the pain of miscarrying and hating your body for not following your wishes.

June and most of July really kicked me in the face. It's impossible to describe how it is to miss something you didn't have. It was hard to feel sorry for myself when I realized exactly how blessed I still was. And I do count myself as extremely blessed. As far as miscarriages go, this was probably the best case possible. I was extremely early in my pregnancy when I miscarried - I know the pain of it increases the bigger the baby grows. I already have two beautiful children - we know I'm capable of having children. We were sort of tipped off that something wasn't quite right by having a positive test so soon after a period - this wasn't a completely unexpected surprise. What if I hadn't miscarried? How would that baby and the pregnancy have turned out?

All of that aside, it's still hard. The hardest part for me has been that I know I needed to know that I was pregnant; I had the same assurance I was pregnant when we found out with both Livvy and Milo. It felt exactly the same that morning in June. Why did I need to know I was pregnant if I was just going to miscarry?

When we got another positive pregnancy test in July I had none of the same excitement in my heart. Coming just weeks off of a miscarriage, I couldn't help feel like this wasn't real, that I just had residual HCG in my blood which was triggering the positive test. I wasn't going to let myself believe that this was happening. To be safe, I tested every day for the next two weeks and those positive lines kept getting darker. This either meant I hadn't miscarried properly or that I was actually pregnant. Finally we did another few weeks of blood tests and we came back with happy results; the HCG levels were rising - we were pregnant. (Hilariously, due to a typo in our HCG results, we were seriously expecting twins for a few weeks! Turns out an extra "0" had been entered in my HCG levels so it seemed like I had MUCH more than one baby required.)

At 6 weeks along we had an ultrasound done to confirm proper growth and to try and get a due date. Our baby gave us a little miracle by allowing us to hear her heartbeat, which had just started beating days before. I will never forget that heartbeat so long as I live. Our baby was alive and we knew her chances of survival had increased dramatically now that the heartbeat was there.

I don't know what happens to the souls of those babies that are miscarried. I don't know if they're given another chance at life at a later point, with a different mother, if they're sent again asap to the same mother, or if they're even sent back to Earth at all. For me, being pregnant has helped tremendously with my grieving process. This baby girl could be called a Rainbow Baby; the baby that follows a miscarriage or any other infant loss. But I don't know if I think of her like that. Right now she's an answer to a lot of prayers and I'm just happy to call her ours.

To those that have suffered through a miscarriage or infertility of any shade, just know that we hear you and have some idea of this same pain too. It is hard and confusing and full of sorrow. Please do not close yourself off to those who can help you. All grief is real and needs to be addressed. Loved ones, others' experiences, therapists, and doctors are wonderful resources. Hopefully our experience can help as well.