Becoming a Mom

Nearly half-way baked. Woot woot!

After the initial shock of pregnancy had slightly subsided, a whole new shock settled in: I'm going to be a mother?!

Let me first just start out by saying I hardly feel like an adult; just yesterday I bought Skittles over a salad and later I re-used my cereal spoon for lunch - without washing it. My daily decisions are still dictated by whether or not I'm fully dressed and actually feel like doing something. Essentially, I'm still a child.

How in the world am I supposed to be responsible for this precious, perfect body and spirit? What type of mom do I even want to be? What tendencies do I have now that will prevent me from becoming that mom?

One big concern I have is that my natural type-A personality is going to rear it's ugly head often. I'm worried I'll be the mom who is constantly cleaning and rearranging the house; the mom who demands perfection and expects it (since I do that to myself); the mom who pushes and pushes her kids past the breaking point to excel. Yet, I'm worried to not do those things too. I'm worried that I'll give my kids too much so they'll never learn what hard work means. I'm worried about working them too hard. I'm worried that I'll curb their dreams when they don't align with my dreams for them. I'm worried about how badly it will hurt to see them in pain.

Kyle and I have talked about future parenting practices. We've discussed timeouts, allowances, groundings and I see merits to almost every opinion about those. We've talked about how we'll handle driving, dating, and technology - around then is when I usually roll myself into a ball and cry. 

As I have thought about all these concerns, a thought struck me that I've since been clinging too: I'm not expected to know any of this. I think being a mom is a process that I need to be patient with and I need to allow myself the time to learn how to handle these worries.

I don't know much about how to "mom", but I do know I will work my hardest to be the best mom I am capable of being. And I think that's what matters the most.

The First Trimester

How Far Along?: 14 weeks

Weight Gain: Not a pound yet, but my body shape is changing like crazy. I'm really not too concerned about putting on weight - I stepped on the scale for the first time this morning just to answer this question. I'll grow as our baby needs; within reason, of course.

Maternity Clothes?: Just bought some maternity leggings and holy moly - WHERE HAVE THESE BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?

Sleep?: Still sleeping through the night, thankfully! And of course, experiencing the "need to pee" promptly at 3:20 am every night.

Stretch marks?: A bit, but luckily they're not visible to the public ;)

Best moment yet? Hearing Baby Tuft's heartbeat!

Miss anything? Oh yes! Consistent bowel movements, muscle tone, energy... etc. I've really not had a terrible time though, so I don't dwell on what I'm missing.

Weird pregnancy moment? I tried to unlock the car with a straw a few weeks ago. I'm not even sure where I got the straw...

Movement: I'm pretty sure I felt a very faint "fluttering" yesterday, but it's so hard to know!

Food Cravings: Hard boiled eggs. I think I've had 2 every morning since I found out I was pregnant.

Anything making you queasy? Nothing really; earlier on I could NOT stand the smell of greasy Mexican food. Kyle had a hard time with that! I'm much more sensitive to smells than normal, so our house is actually cleaner as a result.

Birth plan?: We're planning on having a natural birth (non-medicated) at a birthing center that's 3 minutes from our house. Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to the experience?

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling our baby moving more!

A baby!

It's official! We're expecting our first baby!

We found out we were expecting during our trip to Washington for Thanksgiving. Coincidentally, it was the same morning another relative came over to announce that she was pregnant too...

Right now I'm nearly 14 weeks along and feeling great. I haven't dealt with morning sickness at all; I just get queasy if I don't eat every hour. So yes. I'm eating absolutely everything right now. And sleeping all the time. Oh, and growing in places I did not expect. Ahem.

We got to hear Baby Tuft's heartbeat two weeks ago. The midwife had to keep moving the Doppler around because baby was moving all over the place!

I have to be honest - I had always thought that when I found out I was expecting, I'd immediately experience this overwhelming feeling of love for the baby. That was decidedly not the case for me. I was happy, but it was all very abstract. It was hard to not think of the baby as more than a parasite - eating my food, making my body grow, messing with my hormones - when we heard that heartbeat though, suddenly it was all real. There's a human in there, and I'm growing it!

Since then our excitement has only increased. Baby Tuft, you are loved more than you know!

2013

Guys. I blogged. I would say I'm going to be better at this next year, but I honestly don't plan on it. I've liked living my life "off the grid". Not everything needs to be published!

2013 is coming to a close and I honestly don't know how to feel about it. Kyle is quick to tell me that I'm ridiculously hard on myself, but I feel like I just didn't grow this year as much as I anticipated. That's not to say that this year was bad in any way. It just feels like it was another year come and gone.

2014 though. I've got big plans for 2014. I've been thinking about my New Year's resolutions for almost two months now. I'm excited to see what the new year brings.

So, as part of my goodbye ceremony to 2013, here's a photo-recap of the past year.

January - Typical inversion. Nearly died this month after enjoying Hawaii!

February - Went to a lot of BYU men's volleyball games

March - Said goodbye to Liz as she left to serve her mission in Japan

April - Boston had the marathon bombings, RIGHT during finals week

May - Said goodbye to Kristen as she left to serve a mission in Chile

June - flew back to WA for my sister's graduation and got to see my mountain looking fiiiine per usual

July - Family vacations and we got Khan

August - I walked early at BYU. So grateful both sides could be there

September - This one turned 24!

October - Halloween decorations in full swing

November - The leaves were amazing

December - Full of unprecedented challenges and miraculous joys

And with that, I bid adieu to 2013.

restless

I've recently been feeling emotionally restless; not sure what I want, or when I should want to even want it (whatever IT may be).

But my question isn't, "Can I find stability in adventure or a future in my passion? Can I survive on blind belief and forgo certainty for the intangible?"

Instead I ask, "Can I put my heart on hold to ensure I have the means to do it all?

Is losing still a possibility when you choose to better yourself instead of bet on yourself?"

Your thoughts are most welcome

Taking Stock

Making: time for the little, important things - like writing letters
Cooking: soups!
Drinking: tall peppermint hot chocolate, because why not?
Reading: Dan Brown's Inferno, David Baldacci's The Sixth Man, and numerous theories on education
Wanting: to make this wreath
Looking: at the changing leaves on the mountains
Playing: with Khan; he's getting big!
Wasting: time playing with said kitty

Sewing: nothing... shocker
Wishing: for the holidays to arrive
Enjoying: the recently-added third blanket on our bed. A warm bed = more cuddles, which is always a good thing
Waiting: to take the GRE
Liking: our newly-painted bedroom!
Wondering: when I'll have to break out my snow boots
Loving: Target's Halloween decorations, even if Kyle doesn't...
Hoping: Ender's Game won't be a complete flop
Marveling: at how quickly September has passed
Needing: to send off birthday packages
Smelling: leaves and the unique "crispness" of fall air
Wearing: cardigans, graphic tees, leggings, and moccasins
Following: travel blogs
Noticing: my hypocritical tendencies
Knowing: that I'm headed in a good direction
Thinking: about the future and what it may, or may not, hold
Bookmarking: photography tumblrs
Opening: my heart to change
Giggling: at Matt Smith and slowly becoming a "Whovian"
Feeling: optimistic

Summer Vacations

This summer was a good one.

Really, it was. Yes, Kyle and I worked like crazy, and yeah, some days seemed to drag by because of that, but all in all, we've had a great summer.

We took 2 weeks off in July. The first week we vacationed with the Tuft's up in Midway. We went on a couple of hikes, explored Timp Caves, and just relaxed. The second week we drove to Washington and vacationed with the Decker's. The first part of that week was spent camping at Mt. St. Helen's; the second part was spent camping on the beach (Westport area) to celebrate my grandparent's 50th anniversary.

Finally, over labor day weekend, we went down to Little Wild Horse Canyon with some friends; one last "hoorah" before school began!

And now, pictures!

Midway:

Timp Caves:

Mt. St. Helens:

Westport Beach:

Little Wild Horse:

Little people, big rock