The Brink of Big Changes

Lately I've felt like I'm living on the brink of big changes.

Changes that I'm aware of, yet unsure about.

Changes I'm completely unaware of.

I catch myself staring into space at odd moments, and then a glimmer of a new, vivid thought dances into my conscious; the idea that somehow, soon, my life is going to be different. I don't know how different it will be, but I get the feeling that life is going to take some unexpected twists soon. And you know what?

That's terrifying.

My type-A self cannot stand simply not knowing. Since I was eight I basically had my whole life planned out; I could have recited to you my one, five, and ten year plan on the spot. Now though, I'm at the end of my detailed plans. Beyond graduating college, the details of The Plan are more abstract. For the first time I can remember, I simply don't know where I'm going to be in the next year. There's no Big Goal and no Plan. The big choices I had to make in the last 20 years I had been preparing for, so when the time came, I knew my decision. Graduate high school: on The Plan. Get into college: on The Plan. BYU though?: yeah, that's part of The Plan. Get married: check! Graduate college: on The Plan (and almost checked off!). Now though, I find myself on this brink of change with absolutely NO IDEA how to navigate it.

But.

I'm learning. 

My younger self needed a plan. That plan. It helped me steer through middle school, high school and college. It helped me avoid decisions that would've been detrimental. Ultimately, it got me where I am now.

Maybe though, my older, more mature self needs a different plan. Less of a plan actually. I'm learning to ride waves now instead of following a linear path. I'm learning to accept spontaneity. I'm learning patience: that virtue that has forever eluded my character. I'm learning how to be happy in the moment  instead of always looking forward to next item on the plan. 

Ultimately, I'm learning how to be happy with this brink of big changes.

A "Thank You"

I just wanted to leave a quick note with a big fat THANK YOU for all the feedback I've received on my previous post about birth control. I have been incredibly surprised by the number of questions and comments both Kyle and I have received. It was as relieving to hear of similar experiences as it was enlightening to learn of different reactions. I hope the post sparked some conversations or ideas for those who read it! As always, if anyone had or still has questions, I'm more than willing to try and answer them based on my experiences.

Thanks again!

Tuft Family Pictures

Last month (how is it already June?!)  the Tuft's all went up to Logan for Megan's graduation ceremonies. We also had planned to take family pictures as it was Kristen's last week before reporting to the MTC. (Pictures were done by Dianne Adams' Photography)

I love this new family of mine!

Her face!

Birth Control

**In light of nearly 30 billion friends getting married this summer (Kimmie! I'm looking at you!)  and a lot of questions I've been receiving lately, I thought I'd share the biggest thing I wish I'd known before getting married. Please be warned - I'm about to reveal a whole lot about myself and Kyle. These are our opinions and don't necessarily apply to everyone, or every marriage. Per usual, we don't post this to offend or upset anyone, so keep your pants on and don't freak out please :)

BIRTH CONTROL:

Because we're Mormon... and I'm kinda guessing most of you are too... there were some religious considerations that we took into account when deciding on birth control (as in IF to use it at all). If any of you have taken marriage and family prep, then you know that most of the talks about birth control leave you feeling like you're going to hell for even considering taking it. I took that class when Kyle and I were engaged, just when I started thinking about birth control. I called my mom in a panic after that lecture because I honestly felt like I was going to be damned if I started using any form of birth control. I'm not going to bash on these talks at all... but Kyle and I agree that this is a very personal decision that should be made between you, your fiance and God. I got married when I was 19; still a teenager. Kyle and I both felt that starting a family right away was too soon for us. I wanted a chance to really get to know my husband before family life started eating away the time we had for just us. We felt good about this decision, and so I started on the pill.

All of those religious considerations aside... I wanted to talk about the types of birth control. There are hundreds of contraceptives available, and yet the most commonly used one is the daily birth control pill. The pill is the easiest method to start and thus, the first method most women go with. Most pills control the female reproductive cycle via hormones, which I'm sure you all knew. But....

I HATED IT.

My body is pretty sensitive to medications in the first place, but hormones? Oh my gosh. I went insane. The morning after I took the first pill I could smell EVERYTHING; I knew which roommate was showering because I could smell their shampoo. It was freaky. I thought it would get better after the first month... but I was so wrong. Poor Kyle, our first months of marriage were pretty crazy. I wasn't just emotional for one week of the month, I was emotional everyday for the 10 months I took it. It was really difficult for him, handling all these emotions from his new wife. There was one day I sobbed, became enraged, got really hyper and then sobbed again all in an hour. I felt sluggish and tired all the time, I lost my appetite, the littlest things would upset my (like when Kyle would leave his laptop on the coffee table), I had crazy migraines that would come unexpectedly and wipe me out for 24 hours AND I was paranoid about not taking the pill at 10 pm every night. PARANOID. The only good thing was how much my ladies grew (DD!) and that was fun while it lasted! ;)

After 10 months of that craziness, we decided enough was enough. We still felt like we weren't ready to start having a family, so we researched a ton for alternative contraceptives. Condoms were considered, and then immediately rejected (we hated them). I tried switching the brand of pill I used to lower dosages of hormones, but I had the same results. After that I considered doing the shots (1 shot, every 3 months)  and the ring every 3 weeks. Finally though, we decided that it didn't matter what type of contraceptive we used because all of them were hormone-based. I needed something that didn't mess with my body's natural cycle, but still was effective. That's when my mom told me about IUDs (intrauterine devices)  which are not hormonal. They're made of copper which slightly raises the pH in the uterus so the egg can't be fertilized. The tricky part is that it's actually a device that gets inserted into the uterus... making for a really awkward OB visit. The other problem is that they're pretty spendy (like $1500), but with ObamaCare's new provisions, it was completely free for me.

After a lot of research, we decided the IUD was the best route for me. I've had that in since August and I have loved it. No daily pill to get paranoid over, no crazy emotional swings, no constant PMS'ing. I honestly didn't know how icky I felt until I had been off the pill for a month; it was like a fog had finally lifted. And yeah, the ladies did shrink a ton, but I'd rather be emotionally stable and flat-chested, than busty and crazy ;)

So, all that being said... I know a lot of women who have used the pill with literally no side effects. If that's the route chosen and it works, then more power to you. However, if it's not working, then don't be afraid to look for other options. I think I thought that because the pill was the most popular method, it should be the best option available. That's part of why it took me 10 months to finally do something different. But that is definitely not the case. Our hope in posting this is to encourage people to get educated about all the different kinds of birth control methods. Don't be afraid to try something that's not well known. If the hormones are kicking your butt (like it had with most newly-weds I've spoken too)  then look for other options. It doesn't have to be an IUD at all, that's just what has worked best for us. The first year of marriage is hard enough with all the new adjustments I think. Ours was compounded by the fact that I could NOT control my emotions to save the life of me. Choosing a different method was a life-saver for us and definitely contributed positively to our marriage.

Hopefully hearing our experience is helpful to someone. I've been surprised by the number of questions I've personally received about birth control, so I hope I preemptively answered them all here!
Ladies - if you have any personal experience to also share, please do!

This week

Guys.

This week has been incredible. So, so amazing.

And yes it was my birthday this week, but that wasn't even the half of it!

I finished my classes (huzzah!) and now I walk in August (what?!)
Kyle got his phone fixed finally... gotta love when the screen shatters!
I helped my sister get a full-time job at the MTC during the summer.
BYU hosted the men's volleyball semi-finals and finals (tickets were $8/student for all 3 games!) AND WE WON THE FINAL MATCH! :)
I played volleyball for 2 hours on Tuesday :}
I aced my social theory final
Rodizio's for my birthday dinner. It really does not get any better than Rodizio's
I bought something at Anthropolgie for the first time. Granted, it was only a candle, but I love it! (**side note: I feel like I should love everything at that store, but.... I just don't. Shame on my 21-year-old self... I know)
I picked up a gardening book from my father-in-law
2 Godiva chocolate bars
Kyle let us watch Inception in bed with popcorn (my personal favorite past time)
Officially figured out which half marathon I'm running this year (kudos to Nicole for running it with me!)
My SIL had her mission farewell (which is a happy/sad thing...)
My J.Crew necklace came which I got for a steal
Friends graduated
2 friends came home from their missions
My tulips finally bloomed
AND it was 77* yesterday

Summer, I am so ready for you!

newly-wed life :: part 2

This past week, I realized something about myself and the best way I can explain it is to give an analogy; a sports analogy at that.

For most our lives, Kyle and I have been playing two different sports; living two different lives. These sports have had different rules, different opponents, different strategies and different mindsets. We both got really good at playing them. We were both key players on the field and on the court (he played "soccer", I played "volleyball"). We were even elected to be leaders on our teams, through birth order, personalities and by fellow teammates. His soccer game required a lot of communication because of the large playing field and the number of teammates. My game required short commands necessitated by the speed of the ball. His game required all the teammates to function properly; my game could be won (granted, not easily) by 3 or 4 star players. In his game, he was taught the value of working things through until you had a play that worked. I was taught that one person decides the play (setter) and the rest of the team follows that play.

Then we got married.

All of a sudden, both of us are starting from square one and learning how to play a completely different game. We're treading water, not running on grass, or diving on a court. I'm trying to play water polo by calling the shots and having the team follow; Kyle is trying to understand why we're doing a specific play when the team isn't in consensus. Kyle wants a lot of communication; I want short, quick commands. He's thinking about the most efficient way to win. Period. I'm thinking about the whole game; every play, every future play, every past play and "Was that a legal play? Maybe I should say something? This person is going to start crying if we don't pass the ball to them.... FOUL, FOUL, FOUL!! What are they doing! They're not doing this right?! That person isn't in the right spot; what exactly are they thinking? Where's a ref when you need one..." 

Oh, and we're both team captains. How bout that?! Both of us want to win, and we want to win badly. We have the same goal in mind, but our different strategies are preventing us from winning. I'm handing out quick commands, with no explanation and Kyle wants to know the reasons behind the command instead of just following through. Kyle is making decisions based on one play, and I'm wondering why he hasn't thought of the play that's going to come after. 

As I've thought more and more about how different our strategies are, I've come to a surprising realization (the whole point of this post); I've been playing this new game completely solo. I've been uninterested in working towards plays that make sense to all of us, because in my mind, the play I've picked out works perfectly as long as people just cooperate with me. I'm quicker to point out weaknesses of the strategy rather than strengths, and I'm quicker to give a command than a solution.

I don't bring this up to completely destroy my own self-esteem, but to illustrate something that I have finally realized. Marriage is not a solo sport. It is the ultimate team sport. You can't have a star player, you can't have one person calling the shots all the time, and you need to be able to communicate effectively. I don't know if this really is anything ground breaking to anyone, but for me, the sports analogy really helped illuminate the necessity of unity in a marriage. The teams I've been on have been the most successful when we were truly united in our effort to win the match. I don't think marriage is any different. So my goal is to be a better team player, because there's no other team I'd rather be on, and there's no better teammate I could ask for.

The Month of March

Uhhh, right.

So, March? Not entirely sure where the whole month went. Somewhere between dropping off my best friend to the MTC, a billion and a half assignments, nice weather, and work, the month just disappeared. Not that I'm really complaining... April is my favorite month, so the sooner it gets here, the better :}

Not much has happened in this part of town. I've been trying to keep my cool and not join in the political rants on Facebook. While I haven't commented on anything on there, that doesn't exactly mean it doesn't make my blood boil. I won't disclose my personal opinion here, but I will say that it's really sad how we can't seem to share our thoughts without tearing other people down. I think that actually maddens me more than most of the opinions on there.

Aside from that, we went to the BYU men's volleyball game against Pepperdine last night. If I've said it once, I'll say it again: THEY'RE UNREAL. I re-dyed my hair (courtesy of Kristen), Kyle took out a huge stump, and we went to Slab twice this week, I skyped Carly as she's in Kiev teaching English at the moment, Kyle worked on a fighting robot in Java for a class competition, we hung out with our group of friends and caught up with each other, it snowed; I cried. Yes, yes, we live glamorous lives, I know.

Last night we went over to the Tuft's house for a little Easter acitivity. Brian presented each of the kids with an Easter basket that included a head lamp. He had hidden 48 eggs in the backyard, and because it was dark, we had to use our head lamps to find them all. It was awesome! I haven't done an Easter egg hunt in almost 10 years! Spencer and I found the only 2 golden eggs :)

We had a blast! We kept forgetting that we had head lamps on, so poor Pam was getting blinded every time she took a picture haha.

This next weekend my dad and little brother are coming down for General Conference. I'm really excited to see them again! General Conference will provide a nice reprieve before finals week hits.

Hope you all have had a great March! Have a great Easter weekend and Happy Spring!