Everyone and their dog, cat, fish, and bird has heard that having kids changes your body. And it's all true. All of it. I knew I wasn't going to have as flat a stomach (and quite frankly, my belly looks like an overstretched hunk of bread dough, which kinda sucks cuz I was up for a huge bikini modeling gig. HA HAAAAAAAA). My hips are actually, like, hips now. You'll get stretch marks and bigger... uh, everything in general. Yet nothing could prepare me for the reality that all my limbs and organs would change.
My hands are now weirdly both heat resistance and heat sensitive."Does she have a fever?" *hand to forehead* "Oh, just a low-grade". "He looks feverish" *hand to forehead* "Yikes that needs some Tylenol". I find myself carrying way hot pans like it's no big deal; like it's not burning my flesh (which it surprisingly doesn't).
My HAND EYE coordination! Hold the baby on the hip, catch the sippy cup of milk with my foot for a slightly more gentle landing, and snatch the sharp knife out of reach. ta daaaaaaaaa! olé! [insert circus music here].
The whole "moms-have-eyes-in-the-back-of-their-head" thing is 100% true. Both for better and for worse. I know where Milo is about 95% of the time (that other 5% is terror inducing) and I know what he's getting into. But that also means I see every booger, drool, and crumb he produces. Every hair that catches on their clothes. Bleh. Good thing I'm not an OCD germaphobe. Right? RIGHT?!
My ears are tuned to my kids' exact pitch frequency. I have no idea how I can hear Livvy sneeze at 4am in my dead sleep, but I do. I know if it's my kid screaming in nursery. I even know when it's "too quiet" which is when that 5% typically occurs.
My boobs are not mine anymore. It just needs to be said. One kid uses them for sustenance. One as "pillows". And the other one for... well, nevermind.
My arms are stronger than they've ever been, even during the height of volleyball season. It's not uncommon for me to carry both kids at once in a wild, somewhat effective attempt to comfort them. My back is the same way; Milo loves being up on my shoulders.
And did you know your legs won't be legs anymore? They're bridges, tunnels, barriers, "monster feet", props, trees, stools, counterbalances, and targets.
And my brain. I don't even know where to begin. I thought I was a good multitasker before kids. AU CONTRAIRE. I've got mental tabs on where everything is in the house:
"Where's the pacifier?" "Pretty sure Milo threw it under the couch".
"Wipes?" "On the 3rd stair".
"The squirt bottle?" "Milo was playing with it this morning and I'm pretty sure it's now in his crib".
I have my kids schedule down pat. It's the beat that carries the tunes of my day. "They were both up at 8:30, fed Livvy, Milo had breakfast at 9, it's noon now so I'll feed him lunch, then put him down while Livvy's sleeping which gives me about 2 free hours in which I'll need to throw dinner in the crockpot, then I'll feed Livvy at 3 during which she'll most likely poop, I'll change her, then Milo will get up, which gives us time to do our Target run before dad gets home at 5, then we'll all eat at 5:30". To really understand that you have to read that really fast and in one big long sentence.
What gets crazier is adding our family schedule on top of that. "I'll do meal planning on Sunday evening, so we'll go to the grocery store on Monday hopefully before they get too crabby and ready for naps. That means they've got to have a bit of an earlier night so they'll get up earlier so we can hit up the store earlier". And I won't even get into the Saturday night planning that goes behind getting ready for church at 9 FREAKING AM. Or the prep-work for the diaper bag.
I'm genuinely not mad about any of these changes. Honestly it seems like the most natural thing in the world now. It's stunning to look back and realize how much I've evolved in just a short amount of time. My kids have hijacked my body. Nbd.
What hasn't changed too much is my love of clothes. It's been a challenge figuring out how to dress my non-pregnant self again. Things fit differently now (ie: aforementioned arrival of hips), my style has changed (I think I like chambray shirts? Chevron is super out, yeah??), and I'm not exactly keen to chase kids around wearing heels. I've been working on some minor changes to help me in my quest to "not dress like a mom". Pinterest tells me that incorporating a third item into my outfit (besides shoes) is a simple way to elevate it. That's actually been surprisingly accurate. I'm also working on wearing bolder lipstick, heaven help us all. Bold lipstick freaks me out to no end. I feel like I'm wearing a neon-flashing Vegas hotel sign on my lips for some reason. "Rest here!" "Park here!" Which isn't exactly a message I want my lips screaming, ya feel? But no matter! Maybe some day I'll take an outfit picture and post it, just to keep me honest. Heaven REALLY help us all.
I was at the mall the other day, escaping from the Tuft zoo, when I ventured into Forever 21. Nothing makes me feel older than going into Forever 21. Maybe I'm now old and crotchety, but that place drives me bat shiz crazy. I can't find anything there and I LOOSE MY ISH. I swear it's like a magical, swirling, fashion vortex that select few people have managed to solve the equation for maximizing time spent with decent clothing finds. I walk in and the sheer amount of clothes overwhelms me so much that I usually just walk right back out. Also, the sizes are absolutely nutso. I'm convinced that they're designed to make you hate your thighs, butter, and life. NOTHING SHOULD MAKE ME HAVE BAD FEELINGS TOWARDS BUTTER.
Why can't there be a "I have no idea what I'm doing style-wise" store?? A store exempt from the weird 90's fashion revival THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE (another tip off that you're getting older - ps). A store that takes you back to the basics; where jeans actually fit and aren't so low-rise you're afraid to move; where white shirts aren't freaking see through and shoes are actually cute, comfortable, AND affordable (the holy trinity!!). I'll take any financial backers to get this going now.
If anyone's got some great store recommendations, send them my way. I'll be sitting in my closet throwing out everything I own while wearing a baby and listening for the other one.
In other news:
We went and checked out the Ice Castles in Midway this weekend! We have a goal to explore one new thing in Utah each month, and we took advantage of the snow the best way we know how. I doubt our kids will really remember any of this but it's more for us to get in the habit of taking them places than anything else anyway.
You know what? As parents we get all these great ideas of things that we think our kids would love to do but then the kids just don't appreciate it as much as we anticipate they will. That's about how the ice castles went for Milo. WE thought it was a blast though. Milo mostly just stared at all the other kids haha. The ground was pretty thick and slushy to walk through and when you're a kid with snow boots on that makes life pretty rough. Overall it was great and we all enjoyed ourselves. I was particularly pleased that they played the Harry Potter theme music throughout the whole thing. Milo was just way less impressed with the castles than we thought he would be. Uncultured swine!
My hands are now weirdly both heat resistance and heat sensitive."Does she have a fever?" *hand to forehead* "Oh, just a low-grade". "He looks feverish" *hand to forehead* "Yikes that needs some Tylenol". I find myself carrying way hot pans like it's no big deal; like it's not burning my flesh (which it surprisingly doesn't).
My HAND EYE coordination! Hold the baby on the hip, catch the sippy cup of milk with my foot for a slightly more gentle landing, and snatch the sharp knife out of reach. ta daaaaaaaaa! olé! [insert circus music here].
The whole "moms-have-eyes-in-the-back-of-their-head" thing is 100% true. Both for better and for worse. I know where Milo is about 95% of the time (that other 5% is terror inducing) and I know what he's getting into. But that also means I see every booger, drool, and crumb he produces. Every hair that catches on their clothes. Bleh. Good thing I'm not an OCD germaphobe. Right? RIGHT?!
My ears are tuned to my kids' exact pitch frequency. I have no idea how I can hear Livvy sneeze at 4am in my dead sleep, but I do. I know if it's my kid screaming in nursery. I even know when it's "too quiet" which is when that 5% typically occurs.
My boobs are not mine anymore. It just needs to be said. One kid uses them for sustenance. One as "pillows". And the other one for... well, nevermind.
My arms are stronger than they've ever been, even during the height of volleyball season. It's not uncommon for me to carry both kids at once in a wild, somewhat effective attempt to comfort them. My back is the same way; Milo loves being up on my shoulders.
And did you know your legs won't be legs anymore? They're bridges, tunnels, barriers, "monster feet", props, trees, stools, counterbalances, and targets.
And my brain. I don't even know where to begin. I thought I was a good multitasker before kids. AU CONTRAIRE. I've got mental tabs on where everything is in the house:
"Where's the pacifier?" "Pretty sure Milo threw it under the couch".
"Wipes?" "On the 3rd stair".
"The squirt bottle?" "Milo was playing with it this morning and I'm pretty sure it's now in his crib".
I have my kids schedule down pat. It's the beat that carries the tunes of my day. "They were both up at 8:30, fed Livvy, Milo had breakfast at 9, it's noon now so I'll feed him lunch, then put him down while Livvy's sleeping which gives me about 2 free hours in which I'll need to throw dinner in the crockpot, then I'll feed Livvy at 3 during which she'll most likely poop, I'll change her, then Milo will get up, which gives us time to do our Target run before dad gets home at 5, then we'll all eat at 5:30". To really understand that you have to read that really fast and in one big long sentence.
What gets crazier is adding our family schedule on top of that. "I'll do meal planning on Sunday evening, so we'll go to the grocery store on Monday hopefully before they get too crabby and ready for naps. That means they've got to have a bit of an earlier night so they'll get up earlier so we can hit up the store earlier". And I won't even get into the Saturday night planning that goes behind getting ready for church at 9 FREAKING AM. Or the prep-work for the diaper bag.
I'm genuinely not mad about any of these changes. Honestly it seems like the most natural thing in the world now. It's stunning to look back and realize how much I've evolved in just a short amount of time. My kids have hijacked my body. Nbd.
What hasn't changed too much is my love of clothes. It's been a challenge figuring out how to dress my non-pregnant self again. Things fit differently now (ie: aforementioned arrival of hips), my style has changed (I think I like chambray shirts? Chevron is super out, yeah??), and I'm not exactly keen to chase kids around wearing heels. I've been working on some minor changes to help me in my quest to "not dress like a mom". Pinterest tells me that incorporating a third item into my outfit (besides shoes) is a simple way to elevate it. That's actually been surprisingly accurate. I'm also working on wearing bolder lipstick, heaven help us all. Bold lipstick freaks me out to no end. I feel like I'm wearing a neon-flashing Vegas hotel sign on my lips for some reason. "Rest here!" "Park here!" Which isn't exactly a message I want my lips screaming, ya feel? But no matter! Maybe some day I'll take an outfit picture and post it, just to keep me honest. Heaven REALLY help us all.
I was at the mall the other day, escaping from the Tuft zoo, when I ventured into Forever 21. Nothing makes me feel older than going into Forever 21. Maybe I'm now old and crotchety, but that place drives me bat shiz crazy. I can't find anything there and I LOOSE MY ISH. I swear it's like a magical, swirling, fashion vortex that select few people have managed to solve the equation for maximizing time spent with decent clothing finds. I walk in and the sheer amount of clothes overwhelms me so much that I usually just walk right back out. Also, the sizes are absolutely nutso. I'm convinced that they're designed to make you hate your thighs, butter, and life. NOTHING SHOULD MAKE ME HAVE BAD FEELINGS TOWARDS BUTTER.
 |
| Hi, half your shirt is missing and there's something wrong with your sleeves. Kthxbye. |
 |
| If it's ribbed fabric, then all I can think about is Meg Ryan which is a sure fire way of guessing it's from the 90's |
 |
| ..... no words |
If anyone's got some great store recommendations, send them my way. I'll be sitting in my closet throwing out everything I own while wearing a baby and listening for the other one.
In other news:
We went and checked out the Ice Castles in Midway this weekend! We have a goal to explore one new thing in Utah each month, and we took advantage of the snow the best way we know how. I doubt our kids will really remember any of this but it's more for us to get in the habit of taking them places than anything else anyway.
You know what? As parents we get all these great ideas of things that we think our kids would love to do but then the kids just don't appreciate it as much as we anticipate they will. That's about how the ice castles went for Milo. WE thought it was a blast though. Milo mostly just stared at all the other kids haha. The ground was pretty thick and slushy to walk through and when you're a kid with snow boots on that makes life pretty rough. Overall it was great and we all enjoyed ourselves. I was particularly pleased that they played the Harry Potter theme music throughout the whole thing. Milo was just way less impressed with the castles than we thought he would be. Uncultured swine!
 |
| Livvy, lover of being held, was surprisingly NOT too happy about her snowsuit |
 |
| Guys. There were SO many Asians there. They kept pointing to Milo and Livvy saying "Baby! Cute, cute!" And I'm pretty sure some of them took pictures of Milo, which thrilled him to no end and did nothing to help us improve his "stranger danger". HE FEARS NO ONE. |
 |
| The joy of new babies :) |
 |
| 10,000% done |
I loved every single sentence!
ReplyDeleteYou are so awesome, and wise beyond years! And all the pictures are great but that last one of Milo summed it all up! I laughed (out loud even!) Thank you!
ReplyDeletehis face at the end oh my word.<3
ReplyDeleteMake me laugh, girl! It's ok. Pretty soon you'll be wearing yoga pants all day long and baggy shirts, and mismatched socks, and you won't care, in other words, Come over to the dark side.....Ha ha ha. But seriously, whatever you choose to wear keep eating that butter! Your people are butter people.
ReplyDelete