A Blessed Day & Tibble Fork

We waited to have Livvy's blessing for a myriad of reasons: 1. I wanted my sister Nicole to be there and she came home from her mission in December, 2. We were anxious to get out of the crazy cold/flu season before exposing Livvy to the world, and 3. With my family living in Washington we needed to wait until there was a long weekend available for them to come down. All in all, President's Day Weekend it was!

Pam made Livvy's dress using fabric from Kyle's Grandma Tuft's wedding dress and it turned out amazing!

When my family comes to town we have to cram a hundred things into the limited time they're here, so Saturday morning we went to the Provo City Center Temple Open House and then up to Tibble Fork. That also checked off our "Explore Utah" resolution for the month of February. I did not realize that it would be bride central up there. I also didn't realize how many brides risked falling through ice in order to have their bridals taken on the frozen lake #allforthepictures. It was really gorgeous up there though.

I also stood on the ice, #allforthepicture

Siblings

Today Milo was dancing to Daniel Tiger and Livvy started giggling. He noticed her laughter, turned to face her and danced harder, to which Livvy full-blown belly laughed in response. The dancing and laughing continued and for ten minutes my house was filled with nothing but baby laughter (and my happy tears cuz I'm a psycho mom like that).

This time last year we found out about the imminent arrival of another baby. I've made no bones about how that news rocked my world. During one of my therapy sessions, Lura explained that it's common for women to feel some measure of grief for the loss of their baby's childhood once they discover they're again pregnant. I teared up after this explanation. It rang true for me. Finding out I was pregnant marked the inevitable end of our family of three, and though I didn't have the words for it before, I realized that I was mourning that ending. I felt like I was doing Milo a disservice and taking away his childhood before he even had a chance to experience it. His personality was just starting to shine through and I loved watching it develop.

I had no idea the gift a sibling could be.

I didn't know that Livvy's face would light up every single time she made eye contact with Milo. I had no idea my boy was so tenderhearted until I saw him put Livvy's blanket on her once, try to put her fallen sock back on, and try show her the pictures in his book. I had no idea that Livvy would crane her neck tracking Milo's laughter. I couldn't picture Milo sharing when we found out we were expecting, but every day he tries to give her his food, toys, and even sippy cup (a very special gift indeed!). I couldn't see him caring about the baby's tears but he tries wiping them with his own blankie. He reaches out to give her a hug then leans his head against hers (his approximation of what a hug is).

I had no idea that instead of taking away anything from him, I was giving him a built-in best friend.

The Mom Body

Everyone and their dog, cat, fish, and bird has heard that having kids changes your body. And it's all true. All of it. I knew I wasn't going to have as flat a stomach (and quite frankly, my belly looks like an overstretched hunk of bread dough, which kinda sucks cuz I was up for a huge bikini modeling gig. HA HAAAAAAAA). My hips are actually, like, hips now. You'll get stretch marks and bigger... uh, everything in general. Yet nothing could prepare me for the reality that all my limbs and organs would change.

My hands are now weirdly both heat resistance and heat sensitive."Does she have a fever?" *hand to forehead* "Oh, just a low-grade". "He looks feverish" *hand to forehead* "Yikes that needs some Tylenol". I find myself carrying way hot pans like it's no big deal; like it's not burning my flesh (which it surprisingly doesn't).

My HAND EYE coordination! Hold the baby on the hip, catch the sippy cup of milk with my foot for a slightly more gentle landing, and snatch the sharp knife out of reach. ta daaaaaaaaa! olé! [insert circus music here].

The whole "moms-have-eyes-in-the-back-of-their-head" thing is 100% true. Both for better and for worse. I know where Milo is about 95% of the time (that other 5% is terror inducing) and I know what he's getting into. But that also means I see every booger, drool, and crumb he produces. Every hair that catches on their clothes. Bleh. Good thing I'm not an OCD germaphobe. Right? RIGHT?!

My ears are tuned to my kids' exact pitch frequency. I have no idea how I can hear Livvy sneeze at 4am in my dead sleep, but I do. I know if it's my kid screaming in nursery. I even know when it's "too quiet" which is when that 5% typically occurs.

My boobs are not mine anymore. It just needs to be said. One kid uses them for sustenance. One as "pillows". And the other one for... well, nevermind.

My arms are stronger than they've ever been, even during the height of volleyball season. It's not uncommon for me to carry both kids at once in a wild, somewhat effective attempt to comfort them. My back is the same way; Milo loves being up on my shoulders.

And did you know your legs won't be legs anymore? They're bridges, tunnels, barriers, "monster feet", props, trees, stools, counterbalances, and targets.

And my brain. I don't even know where to begin. I thought I was a good multitasker before kids. AU CONTRAIRE. I've got mental tabs on where everything is in the house:
"Where's the pacifier?" "Pretty sure Milo threw it under the couch".
"Wipes?" "On the 3rd stair".
"The squirt bottle?" "Milo was playing with it this morning and I'm pretty sure it's now in his crib".

I have my kids schedule down pat. It's the beat that carries the tunes of my day. "They were both up at 8:30, fed Livvy, Milo had breakfast at 9, it's noon now so I'll feed him lunch, then put him down while Livvy's sleeping which gives me about 2 free hours in which I'll need to throw dinner in the crockpot, then I'll feed Livvy at 3 during which she'll most likely poop, I'll change her, then Milo will get up, which gives us time to do our Target run before dad gets home at 5, then we'll all eat at 5:30". To really understand that you have to read that really fast and in one big long sentence.

What gets crazier is adding our family schedule on top of that. "I'll do meal planning on Sunday evening, so we'll go to the grocery store on Monday hopefully before they get too crabby and ready for naps. That means they've got to have a bit of an earlier night so they'll get up earlier so we can hit up the store earlier". And I won't even get into the Saturday night planning that goes behind getting ready for church at 9 FREAKING AM. Or the prep-work for the diaper bag.

I'm genuinely not mad about any of these changes. Honestly it seems like the most natural thing in the world now. It's stunning to look back and realize how much I've evolved in just a short amount of time. My kids have hijacked my body. Nbd.

What hasn't changed too much is my love of clothes. It's been a challenge figuring out how to dress my non-pregnant self again. Things fit differently now (ie: aforementioned arrival of hips), my style has changed (I think I like chambray shirts? Chevron is super out, yeah??), and I'm not exactly keen to chase kids around wearing heels. I've been working on some minor changes to help me in my quest to "not dress like a mom". Pinterest tells me that incorporating a third item into my outfit (besides shoes) is a simple way to elevate it. That's actually been surprisingly accurate. I'm also working on wearing bolder lipstick, heaven help us all. Bold lipstick freaks me out to no end. I feel like I'm wearing a neon-flashing Vegas hotel sign on my lips for some reason. "Rest here!" "Park here!" Which isn't exactly a message I want my lips screaming, ya feel? But no matter! Maybe some day I'll take an outfit picture and post it, just to keep me honest. Heaven REALLY help us all.

I was at the mall the other day, escaping from the Tuft zoo, when I ventured into Forever 21. Nothing makes me feel older than going into Forever 21. Maybe I'm now old and crotchety, but that place drives me bat shiz crazy. I can't find anything there and I LOOSE MY ISH. I swear it's like a magical, swirling, fashion vortex that select few people have managed to solve the equation for maximizing time spent with decent clothing finds. I walk in and the sheer amount of clothes overwhelms me so much that I usually just walk right back out. Also, the sizes are absolutely nutso. I'm convinced that they're designed to make you hate your thighs, butter, and life. NOTHING SHOULD MAKE ME HAVE BAD FEELINGS TOWARDS BUTTER.

Hi, half your shirt is missing and there's something wrong with your sleeves. Kthxbye.

If it's ribbed fabric, then all I can think about is Meg Ryan which is a sure fire way of guessing it's from the 90's

..... no words

Why can't there be a "I have no idea what I'm doing style-wise" store?? A store exempt from the weird 90's fashion revival THAT SHOULD NEVER HAVE EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE (another tip off that you're getting older - ps). A store that takes you back to the basics; where jeans actually fit and aren't so low-rise you're afraid to move; where white shirts aren't freaking see through and shoes are actually cute, comfortable, AND affordable (the holy trinity!!). I'll take any financial backers to get this going now.

If anyone's got some great store recommendations, send them my way. I'll be sitting in my closet throwing out everything I own while wearing a baby and listening for the other one.

In other news:
We went and checked out the Ice Castles in Midway this weekend! We have a goal to explore one new thing in Utah each month, and we took advantage of the snow the best way we know how. I doubt our kids will really remember any of this but it's more for us to get in the habit of taking them places than anything else anyway.

You know what? As parents we get all these great ideas of things that we think our kids would love to do but then the kids just don't appreciate it as much as we anticipate they will. That's about how the ice castles went for Milo. WE thought it was a blast though. Milo mostly just stared at all the other kids haha. The ground was pretty thick and slushy to walk through and when you're a kid with snow boots on that makes life pretty rough. Overall it was great and we all enjoyed ourselves. I was particularly pleased that they played the Harry Potter theme music throughout the whole thing. Milo was just way less impressed with the castles than we thought he would be. Uncultured swine!

Livvy, lover of being held, was surprisingly NOT too happy about her snowsuit

Guys. There were SO many Asians there. They kept pointing to Milo and Livvy saying "Baby! Cute, cute!" And I'm pretty sure some of them took pictures of Milo, which thrilled him to no end and did nothing to help us improve his "stranger danger". HE FEARS NO ONE.

The joy of new babies :)

10,000% done

The State of Me Address

I've been racking my brain trying to figure out what to blog about. The funny thing about having a blog is the weird, compelling feeling that you actually need to WRITE something on a consistent basis. I've considered doing a generic "update", or a bomb  *~*~ 2016 Resolutions~*~* post, but I just can't figure out the words to do so. I'm not a fashion blogger, I don't really feel the need to share the recipe I used for dinner, or show the world what's in my purse. Blogging has kinda taken a weird turn over the last few years. With so many out there, do I need to be unique? Can I? Does anyone really need another opinionated blog about the rights/wrongs of same sex marriage? SHOULD I BE THE NEXT MATT WALSH?!?! (lolz). Ironically one of my goals for this year was to blog more. In some way, just the act of writing stuff down helps me to quantify my life and I think that's an important enough reason to have it as a goal. There's a weird line to walk in blogging; deciding what to publish, what to keep private, being careful not to spam everyone's feeds versus not caring what anyone thinks, sharing things that may be helpful and deciding what those are, etc.

Long story short: I'll be blogging more, hopefully at least once a month, but I can't guarantee that it'll interest anyone other than myself. And my mom. Probs.

Anyway, I've set resolutions for myself and we've worked out goals for our family, but most are more personal than I'm ready to publish on the webz. Resolutions are weird for me. I typically have a hard time picking out a word for the year. In the past I've tried "simplify" and "patience", but doing that has always been too abstract and immeasurable for me to work with. If I had to choose a word though, it'd be "Become".

I'm at the tail end of major transitional point in my life. 2015 threw me for a loop and now I'm slowing down trying to regain my bearings. Things I thought were important have now, necessarily, taken a back seat and I'm learning to cope with that. I'm also trying to figure out what things are still worth my time and how to appropriately prioritize them in my life.

I'm a bit of a paradox. I'd love to be settled down with the white picket fence, but that life gives me a weird sense of claustrophobia. I'm 23-years-old with two kids and somehow I feel like I'm supposed to be an "adultier" adult. Half of me still yearns for the carefree college days and the other half is exhausted just thinking about my freshman year. I can picture myself easily being a career shark and I know I'd be awesome at it, but I currently have no desire to do that. I see myself having a PhD but that's not something I'm interested in pursuing either. Sometimes I genuinely don't care what others think of me and other times it keeps me up at night. I want hobbies, but where do you begin? It's not like you can just pick one out from the "hobby aisle". There are real constraints that I've got to work with (ie: time & money), and I don't want a hobby for the sake of having a hobby; it has to actually add something valuable to my life.

In a lot of ways, I feel like I grew up faster than I anticipated and I've been sprinting to catch up to my life's events. I've battled with this odd concept of what people in my position should act like and how different I am. Most people my age are just finishing up school, or pursuing masters/doctorates, starting their careers, traveling the world etc. I'm not jealous of them, but it's sometimes isolating being the odd duck. It's hard to relate to resume worries when you're thinking about nap schedules instead.

2016 is going to be the year that I take the time to figure out what the "adult" me is, and what I truly value in myself. The message I've gotten over and over is to slow down. I've never been at a point in my life where I wasn't looking forward to something. Right now, the horizons are clear with no "BIG EVENT" looming overhead. It's unnerving in a way but I'm hoping to learn how to enjoy the view of it this year.

3 Weeks Postpartum

I’m reeling over the fact that Livvy is 3 weeks old. WE HAVE SURVIVED THREE FULL WEEKS AS PARENTS OF TWO UNDER TWO. Applause and accolades are welcome ;)

Livvy's recovery and health: Livvy has recovered really well. She was born 7lbs, 1 oz., dropped to 6 lbs., 12 oz. until my milk came in, and is now 8 lbs., 8 oz. That’s a pound and a half gained since birth! She’s wearing newborn clothes mostly but has moved into some 0-3 month items now too. She’s really filling out nicely (read: she LOVES to eat!) and has the double chins to prove it. We started a bit of sleep training this week and she slept through the night three times! From midnight – 8 am! We’re just doing the same thing we did with Milo and it seems to be working for her as well, thankfully. My mantra is that a sane mom makes for a happy family and I need sleep to be sane haha. Livvy is getting more and more alert; with her eyes being open more often we’re thinking that they’ll be brown, or at least pretty dark. Her features are getting more and more defined as well. I can’t tell if I’m biased because I know her gender, but it seems like she truly does have really feminine features.

My recovery: I honestly thought my recovery would take longer with each subsequent kid, but I was up and walking/shopping at Gap Factory with mom the day after I had Livvy. We had $100 in GapCash and clearly had our priorities in order ;) I was much less sore in every way after this birth. I imagine bench-pressing a 30lb baby for 9 months helped with that ;) Not tearing or having any stitches makes a huge difference too! I was a lot crampier for a lot longer this time around, and the bleeding has taken longer to subside but it’s not been anything unbearable.

Postpartum body: Nursing has sucked everything off of me again. It’s alarming to drop weight so quickly; I’m now cold all. the. time. Milo thinks my stretch marks are hilarious for whatever reason, so that’s cool. I’m surprised I can still stand cuz I have no abs to speak of, but hey, we’re working with what we’ve got!

Milo: Milo’s first reaction to Livvy was a huge hug and that’s basically held true since. The first week was a little rough for him since we had people in and out and he was kinda thrown off his normal schedule. While mom was here she watched both kids so Kyle and I could sneak in a date. I set her up with a bottle for Livvy, and Milo started throwing a fit because he wasn’t getting a bottle (he usually takes one before bed). I’m not sure if that was jealousy, or simply the fact that he wanted a bottle…. But that’s been the only real reaction. He loves to “give Livvy hugs” by resting his head on hers, and is quickly learning to say “baby”. When Livvy starts crying, he whips his head in her direction and will go on tiptoe to try and see her. Since Milo’s basically a 15-month Godzilla, doesn’t know what “soft” means, and hasn’t fully developed his spatial awareness, we don’t really leave the two of them in close proximity together. He’ll get really excited around her sometimes and end up smacking her unintentionally. I suppose that’s the downside of having kids so close in age. Milo’s been learning to identify facial features, and I think he’s using that to identify Livvy as a human. He’ll constantly touch her nose, then reach for mine, then touch his, saying “nose!” It’s cute, but also has me worried he’ll poke her eye out!

Nursing: Of all the differences in my experiences with Milo and Livvy, this is the biggest. Nursing has gone a thousand times better than it did with Milo. For one, I now know that no amount of sleep is worth getting mastitis over; and two, I’m aware I make a TON of milk. There’s currently over 3 gallons of pumped, frozen milk in our freezer. For the first two weeks I was nursing for 2 hours a day, then pumping at least 40 more ounces out. This week, with the sleep training, I’ve gotten much more regular. I think having Livvy latch on minutes after I had her helped a lot too. Things were still sore and uh, cracked, but I had my arsenal of nursing items prepped and ready to go this time, even before I’d packed my bag for the birth center.

Kyle: Do you know what it’s like being a full-time student, a full-time employee, working on a couple of life-changing career decisions, helping a somewhat crazed, hormonal wife (that's me, btw) AND becoming a father of two? It’s stressful. 100% stressful and Kyle’s handled things like the champ that he is. I don’t know how he's functioning but I do know that I couldn't do what he does, day in and day out. I’m just thankful for him. It’s been wonderful to watch him interact with his daughter.

Emotions and hormones: Looking back on my first month with Milo, I feel like I was swimming in water, just trying not to drown in the newness of it all. My hormones were all over the place, nursing was so, so painful, sleep was non-existent, and I didn’t think things would ever get better. I’ve definitely had my hormone battles this time too and I’ve taken steps to help alleviate them. I try and get out of the house at least once a day, and get out of the house WITHOUT kids once or twice a week. Even if it’s just a 20 minute errand, I’ve noticed that it helps my psyche a lot more than I thought it would. I’ve got some hormone pills that I’ve taken that have really helped too. In many ways I feel like I’ve “bonded” with Livvy sooner and better than I did with Milo (I’m not sure if “bonded” is the right word, but it’s the only word I can really think of to describe it). Maybe it’s just cuz I feel less like I’m out on a total limb this time, who knows. There are still times when I feel pure frustration at myself and with her, don’t get me wrong. But overall I think I’ve done better in reminding myself that this newborn stage is so fleeting and that the hard times WILL pass.

Being a mom of two: I can’t say my experience with two kids is everyone’s experience. The age difference has a lot of benefits and a few cons. I had literally no way to prepare Milo for his sister’s arrival; how do you explain the arrival of a sibling when they don’t even use a spoon? Milo doesn’t have cause and effect figured out, and he’s so big and heavy, with no spatial awareness, that he still falls of couches, let alone understands that he can hurt the baby. The plus side is that this life is his normal. He’ll probably never remember what his life was like as an only child. Jealousy isn’t really an emotion he’s dealt with before, and he rarely takes Livvy’s things because he wants them.

What's been the hardest has just been juggling schedules. If I get a shower before noon, it’s a productive day. It’s gotten better this week as Livvy’s eating schedule has played itself out. I’ve figured out that the newborn is the easy one to take care of; it’s the toddler that’s a bit tricky. I’d forgotten that the newborn will just sleep in the car seat. I can’t even remember the last time Milo did that. I’m still trying to figure out how to do a Target run when there’s no room in the cart between a car seat in it, and a toddler in the seat… but we’ll see how that goes.

This week I had my official “mom of two” moment. Being the efficient person that I am, I figured that it’d be really convenient to have Milo’s 15 month shots and Livvy’s two weeks shots done at the same appointment. Kyle originally couldn’t make it to the appointment, so I’d been gearing myself up for a week in preparation for this, but then his schedule cleared the day of, so I let my guard down. He met us at the doctor’s office and helped with Milo. We didn’t think of how much longer an appointment for two kids would be, rather than one. Both kids were weighed, measured, and examined, but then Kyle had to leave BEFORE the shots were administered! I’m sitting in the room, with two half naked kids, Livvy’s screaming cuz she’s hungry, Milo’s pulling everything in sight out of its proper place. The nurse opens the door and Milo takes off running down the hallway, laughing his head off. I run out to grab him while trying to keep Livvy’s pacifier in her mouth and hold her with one arm. Milo chooses to have a full on two-year-old fall-on-the-floor-flail-my-limbs-tantrum when I finally get him. I heave him up onto my hip and finally get back into the room. The nurse puts him up onto the table and tells me to grab his hands to soothe him. He gets three shots in the leg and brings the entire office roof down with his screams. He freaks the heck out of Livvy (who I’m still holding, trying to keep the pacifier in her mouth, with one arm). I get him down off the table, he flops down on the floor, and rolls around screaming. I hand Livvy to the nurse and try to comfort Milo. Suddenly Livvy’s screaming from her shot, which freaks Milo out even more. The nurse hands Livvy to me and then is out the door (super helpful). I’ve got two screaming, half-naked babies who are now starving too at this point. I get Milo calmed down with some crackers, put Livvy on the table as I get him re-dressed. I go to grab Livvy and guess what: homegurl has poop up to her EYEBALLS. It was hands down the biggest blowout I’ve ever dealt with. I’m not even sure the diaper did anything other than direct the poop OUT.

We miraculously made it home. I got Milo fed, Livvy bathed and fed, and both down for naps. I then sat on the couch for a solid hour and determined that I will NEVER be doing that again.

So yeah, that was my moment this week. I bow down to all you moms of multiple kids cuz that was just insane. I feel like I earned the title of “Mom” or something. Maybe I should go crazy and get the stick figure family decal on my car now ;) As crazy as it is, life as a family of four has just felt so, so right. We can’t imagine our lives without both kids and we’re so thankful to have them in our home.

Her hands got SO cold, so quickly!

Olivia Ann Tuft

October 9^th, 2015

2:30 AM – “Ouchhhh!” My eyes flew open. “That didn’t feel great”, I thought as I rolled over. You get used to various aches and pains when pregnant. I’d been having contractions for nearly four days, so I didn’t think twice before falling back asleep.

3:00 AM – “K, ready to be not be pregnant…” I groaned as another one hit and I rolled over again.

3:30 AM – “…. Wait, is this the real deal?” Then I recalled the previous week:

Sunday evening, when I officially hit full-term, we thought my water may have broken. We went to the birth center to confirm the leak and the test came out positive for a water break, but I’d previously had two, false positive tests so this wasn’t surprising news. Since there wasn’t much liquid the risk of an infection was very, very low. We decided to wait and see if contractions picked up at all or if more liquid came, which didn’t happen, so we went about our lives.

Wednesday evening I was very actively trying not to count the passing of time by watching Curious George with Milo while bouncing on my yoga ball. I got up, felt a little “ping!”, and more liquid came down. “This was it!” we thought. I called my mom to let her know. She couldn’t leave until Friday so she was sad she was most likely going to miss the birth. Pam picked up Milo, we packed up and headed to the birth center at 8 PM. With Milo the outer membrane of the amniotic sack had ruptured, so we chose to do a membrane sweep to get things going and seven hours later we had ourselves a baby. Expecting the same thing here, we again did a membrane sweep (which is about as comfortable as it sounds, ps). During the sweep my midwife said that Livvy had flipped completely posterior and told me that I should stay leaning forward, on hands and knees, to get her turned to the best position which would also avoid a lot of back pain during labor. My contractions picked up good and hard after the sweep. For four hours we stayed at the birth center working through them, but they never stayed consistent. This labor was not following the same script we thought it would. By 1 AM both Kyle and I were exhausted. We talked over our options; 1: break the water completely and have a baby, or 2: go home and get some rest. As quickly as we both like to accomplish things, we just didn’t feel right about rushing through this. We’d both been up all night the previous night (him – with a teething Milo; me - with contractions). We didn’t want to run the labor marathon on an empty tank of gas, so we decided to head home. My midwives gave me a magnesium tablet to help relax the muscles and two Tylenol PM’s. We zonked and I had the best night's sleep I'd had in months.

On Thursday we went about life as normal. Contractions were intense but very irregular. I stayed on my feet, got a mani/pedi, and went to the chiropractor to get my back adjusted (all the better to labor with, my dear!). By the evening my contractions had settled down and I hadn't had any more leaks; it seemed like this little girl wanted to bake a bit longer. We picked Milo back up from Pam’s and then we got a surprise text from my mom saying she was en route here a day earlier than planned, driving like a madman with her dad. They arrived around 9 PM. Mom and I discussed tactics for our “Walk Baby Out” project to commence the next day and then we all went to bed around 11 PM.

“Yeah, see Jess? This can’t be the real deal. You've had too many false alarms already. Just try walking her out tomorrow”, and I flipped my pillows over and fell asleep.

4:00 AM – “Ok, SOMETHING is happening here!” I jolted up as another contraction hit me. This one was different. Trying not to get excited I thought, “If this is the real deal, I need to rest as much as possible”. So I tried again to fall back asleep.

4:30 AM – “Well, this is pointless”, I muttered as I got up. I decided to take a hot shower to help alleviate some of the intensity from the contractions. My back was getting a bit uncomfortable so I thought it may help with that too.

5:30 AM – “Now I’m a shriveled prune AND my back hurts”. I got out of my tub/shower and back into bed. These contractions were annoyingly inconsistent and my back HURT.

6:00 AM – “Wait. BACK PAIN. BABY IS IN THE WRONG POSITION”. Suddenly the light bulb went off in my head. Of course my back hurts if she’s posterior! I got up and flipped over to my hands and knees on our bed to try to get her turned.

6:25 AM – “Andddd she’s flipped!” I grinned in satisfaction.

6:30 AM – “BIRTH CENTER. NOW.” No longer grinning, I immediately felt the difference in contractions. Nothing was irregular. Coming in three minutes apart and lasting a minute and a half, I was worried we wouldn’t even make it to the birthing center. We called the birth center hotline to let them know we were coming. We got up and packed the last few things. Mom made us eggs, and I breathed through my contractions again using the HypnoBabies techniques I’d learned last time. Kyle alerted his mom – she and my mom would work out getting Milo taken care of.

7:30 AM – We arrived at the birth center and I got checked. 6 cm dilated; 80% effaced. Last time I had done most of the laboring in the birthing tub. It sounded good again so I jumped in. 10 minutes later I was out and walking around. Reclining back at all just didn’t feel right. I leaned over and hugged a huge stack of pillows at the foot of the birthing bed instead and swayed my hips through each contraction.

8:30 AM – 8 cm dilated, 100% effaced. More of the same. More leaning over and swaying through the contractions.

9:30 AM – 9.5 cm dilated; 100% effaced. I was starting to feel a bit pushy, and I was really anxious not to tear. I jumped back in the birthing tub in preparation to push remembering that the water helped relax my muscles so much the last time.

9:45 AM – I got out of the tub. My contractions weren’t as intense and felt less effective EVERY time I was in that darn tub! While it felt nice to get a break, I was on the Highway to Push and needed more motivation, and there’s nothing more motivating than contractions.

10:30 AM – I was feeling even more pushy, but not quite as pushy as I had been with Milo. My midwife suggested sitting on the birthing stool to intensify the pushes. Let it be known that squatting down while in labor definitely adds to that pushy feeling!! I still felt like my contractions weren’t very effective, and since my body was totally ready, I asked for them to break my water.

11:00 AM – I jumped into the tub. Looking back I think my brain kept chanting “tub”, while my body was saying “squat”. Brains get in the way of labor. Follow your body.

11:15 AM – Livvy’s heart rate was starting to drop a bit more during contractions than my midwives liked to see, making time a more crucial factor. They checked me and found that I had a small lip of cervix in the way, which was making me feel pushy only at the peak of contractions, rather than through the whole thing, which in turn made my pushes less effective. While in the tub, they attempted to push the lip back over her head. The tub was so relaxing to me that I couldn’t get a good feel of when to push and when not too. I reflexively jumped out of the tub and onto the birthing stool again, my brain screaming, “But it’ll hurt more on the stool!” which is when I was sure that’s where I needed to be. It was gonna hurt like hell before it got better and there was no point in trying to avoid that.

At this point I just suspended rational thinking and hung on to what my midwives were saying. One midwife helped keep that cervical lip out of the way through contractions, the other coached me on how to bear down better. That lip inhibited a lot of my natural urge to push. Slowly, slowly we worked through it all. Kyle stood right in front of me and I clung to his belt loops as I bore down, each contraction bringing Livvy closer. Kyle says he was getting worried I’d pull his pants straight off! Each contraction I pushed harder and harder. There aren’t words to describe the feeling of being asked to do the impossible again. And again. And then once more. One midwife put an oxygen mask on me during the last couple pushes to give me just the extra bit of strength necessary to push her out. The oxygen cleared my head.

11:45 AM – “THIS IS THE LAST PUSH!!” I yelled to myself. She started to crown and time hung still. Suddenly my world went black and I felt out of control. For a few milliseconds it felt like something bad had happened since I’d been so aware and present during the whole labor. Half cognizant, I heard one midwife say to stop pushing, and another coached me to puff out my breaths. Livvy’s head was out and they wanted the rest of her to slowly come out so I wouldn’t tear.

11: 47 AM – A cry.

Snap back to reality. The blackness disappeared. My little Livvy had arrived.

We walked back to the bed after everything was cleaned up a bit. Livvy latched on to nurse seconds after I put her up to my chest. I didn’t tear, though I was absolutely convinced that I had. All the afterbirth stuff passed approval and Livvy was weighed and measured; 19 inches and 7 lbs., 1 oz. (I was off by one ounce in my weight guess!). After she and I passed inspection I took a shower with Kyle’s assistance while mom held Livvy. We could stay at the birthing suite until 5:30 PM so we felt no rush to get going. It’d been just over four hours since our arrival and we were more than a bit winded! Mom left to get some groceries and Kyle, Livvy, and I hopped into the bed. Too keyed up on adrenaline, I laid down next to Livvy and, as all moms do the world over, inspected every inch of her.

“She’s here”. I thought. “My beautiful girl is finally here”.

Not sure about the outside world yet. She was COVERED in vernix (that white stuff) since she came so early.

Her first gaze at me :) I tear up at this pic. every. single. time.

Looking at Daddy

BOWS. I DIE.

A Great Grandma Rowley special puff quilt! (From my maternal grandmother).

So it's been a while....

The problem with going so long in between posting is trying to figure out how to succinctly word everything that has happened since the last post. To make short of the last 4 months:

• We bought a car
• Milo turned 1
• Kyle walked at his graduation ceremony
• Kyle got a new job
• I quit my job
• We moved
• Aaaaaand we're having a baby next month. LOL.

And now to make long of the last 4 months:

We had a legitimate miracle come in place that allowed us to buy a second car! We got a 2006 Toyota Highlander and it's been such a blessing. Sharing one car was getting really tricky with Kyle working full time and me being at home with Milo. Having a second car has been a HUGE relief.

We had a small summer BBQ to celebrate Milo turning one. I figured since Milo will have no memories of his first birthday that we should treat it as more of a "yay! we survived our first year as parents" kind of party. Milo picked out a toy car that he's obsessed with still, we got him a few books and a bouncy ball, and he demolished a cupcake. We invited our friends and family over for a BBQ and lawn games. It was really nice seeing everyone.

He ate every single crumb of that thing

Kyle is in his last semester of school, so he walked early in August, and will be officially done in December. My mom and brother drove down to attend and help us pack a bit. We're really proud of him!

Kyle was offered a salaried position at the company he's worked for all through college. It's a really amazing position that offers some pretty unparalleled opportunities for him in his career. One perk is that he can work from home a few days of the week! That combined with adding baby #2 meant that we needed to find a bigger place MUCH sooner than we anticipated. Somehow 600 square feet just didn't seem like it'd accommodate an office, two babies, and two adults ;) We spent about a week scouring KSL for a suitable place (and honestly, anything was an upgrade from what we had. The first few ads I was like "Hun, it has a tub! Let's do it!"), then we stumbled upon this gem of a place we're now in maybe 15 minutes after it was posted. We're still in Orem, and still renting, but a much better house! 4 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, upgraded kitchen, FREAKING CENTRAL AC. We moved in at beginning of this month and have been slowly turning it from house to home.

Bye bye old house!

Hello new house!

With the new job it became possible for me to quit working at Larsen Billing Service. It was a great job for the time I needed it but it quickly became clear to us that I was not going to be able to make both being a mom and an employee work as well as I'd like, especially once baby girl came along. My last day was the day before we moved, and it's honestly been a huge relief to not be working while in this transition!

Kyle started his last semester the week we moved in. We're nothing if not smart in our planning ;) He's taking four elective classes that he's really enjoying. We turned one of the bedrooms into an office for him and got that all painted and set up for the most part. He's loving having the space for all of his books and the new curved screen monitor his work got him as a type of signing bonus.

Milo is doing fantastically. He was a little out of sorts after the move, but he's really pleased with the extra space he can walk (yes, WALK) around in. Also, this house has stairs and apparently he can climb them? The going down part is still shaky... but he mostly laughs when he falls down them. Weird kid. His top four front teeth are in (finally), and his appetite has doubled since he started walking. He ate an ENTIRE box of mac n' cheese for lunch today. AN ENTIRE BOX. His first word was "no", which he loves to yell while in the throes of a tantrum. He's also learned "uh oh" and "meow" (which are much more adorable to hear ;)) and he's figuring out how to wave. He's started to really love books for their intended function and not just to eat; he'll spend a good hour flipping through the pages. He's also really loving Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger too. Milo's started to adopt this really cute head-cock-to-the-side-and-slyly-grin maneuver. It melts the hearts of all the ladies in Target and he full well knows it!

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and doing pretty well. I've had a few symptoms of preeclampsia so my midwives and I are keeping a careful eye out for any escalation of that. In reference to the last post; I am doing SO, so much better in terms of wrapping my head around baby #2 and with accepting my role as a mom. There are still days where I feel torn between feeling like I do everything and then feeling like I don't do anything of value at all, but I don't think that's abnormal and I'm handling those emotions much better. Other than that I've been slowly unpacking what I can and setting things up. There's nothing quite like moving to take your mind off the passing of time while pregnant! I've been debating on what would be harder: moving with a newborn or moving while pregnant. My vote is the latter because of the physical limitations. It kills me not be able to lift boxes and unpack!

All in all, we've felt incredibly blessed the last little bit. You know how sometimes you feel guided towards certain decisions or situations? Well, we feel like we've been literally pulled down this path. It has been relieving and we're so excited for all the changes that have happened, despite the stress of it all!