reflections on my summer

holy moses.
So about a billion and a half things have happened since the last post and I'm finally getting a small moment to try and capture all of it!
First off, I'm back in Provo! But before I delve into how awesome it is being here, I really feel the need to share some of the things I've learned about nannying for Carol and Scott.
That job proved to be one of the biggest blessings I've ever had. Yes it was difficult on every level sometimes, but it was truly worth it.
One of the more poignant qualities I got to work on was my patience level. Seriously, you can't work with children without learning to become patient to some degree. From the bathroom accidents that could happen up to 3 times a day, to the spilled goldfish crackers all over the "just-washed" floor, I found plenty of times to grow more patient.
I grew to learn that attitude makes all the difference. Carol's optimistic perspective really forced me to analyze my own way of dealing with tragedies. I don't feel like the problems that I've had in my life compare in any way shape or form to her own problems but yet she still CHOOSES each day to be happy. Carol lives for her girls and because Chloe and Safiya are still too young to understand what happened to her, she decides daily to focus on the positives because that makes her a better mother to her daughters. She chooses to be happy because dwelling on the unchangeable past and regretting her circumstances is only going to make her future equally regrettable. 
I learned how to value my blessings. When things were rough; dinner was burning, dishes everywhere, toy bins exploded, girls are fighting and thus in timeouts AND the phone is ringing, I would get so flustered and frustrated with everything. It took every once of control that I had to not lash out or cry. One day in the middle of such an event I thought to myself "Even as bad as things are right now here, Carol would give absolutely EVERYTHING to be in my position." The idea humbled me and forced me to be grateful for the fact that I could run around and pick up toys, that I could fold the laundry and do the dishes.
Carol taught me to not be judgmental. She's naturally a very accepting person anyways so this wasn't too much of a surprise for me but to illustrate my point I shall give an example. Carol had a lot of different doctors visits that I chauffeured her to and from. She would often tell me all about these doctors; their ages, children, hobbies, children's hobbies etc. From this I would start to build a picture of what these people should look like and more often than not I would be seriously taken back when I actually met them because they wouldn't look ANYTHING like what I imagined. If I didn't know anything about these people I really feel like I wouldn't have given them the time of day based solely on their appearance. Not only did this make me feel awfully guilty about my own shallowness but it illuminated my own personal pride too. Soooooo long story short, I'm working on not being judgmental because I know I personally hate that in other people.


I really felt blessed to have the chance to work for Carol this summer. There are times in my life that, when I look back on them, I realize were true miracles. I consider my summer job experience to be one of them.


Anyway, I'm back in Provo now and I'm LUVIN' it! It's been a crazy awesome week of unpacking, decorating, moving around, meeting people, getting classes worked out and of course grocery shopping :}


This semester is gonna be a blast! :)

Because I Can: explanation

Since the creation of this blog I've felt like I needed to explain the title of it; "Because I Can" and today is just the perfect combination of a cloudy-misty-gray forecast, relaxing schedule and my own personal literary inspiration to do that.

"Because I Can"...

when the idea of a starting my own blog first occurred to me I was sitting at the kitchen table reading all about the adventures of my good friend Claire's experience during her study abroad in Vienna. As I read through it I was astounded by how amazingly well she wrote; it inspired me deeply. But I was 3 months away from ending my senior year and honestly... nothing in my life at the point I deemed worthy of "blogging". Not to mention the fact that I regarded owning a blog something "older people" did and it would be just plain weird if I joined their ranks. I'm all about finding the perfect starting spot; it's why I start any goal on a Sunday or a Monday (depending on the goal) and preferably at the beginning of the month. I figured that as soon as I got to college in the fall my life's excitement would increase tenfold and that I would finally have the smarts to write what was happening down in some awesomely complex-yet-simple sentences worthy of putting on the internet.
Well the first of September came and went quite insignificantly and I still hadn't started a blog. To be honest, I didn't even think of the idea because of every other crazy change that was going on at the time. It wasn't until about the 3rd week of school as I was sitting at my laptop after church that the idea came, again, to my brain.

Having no idea where to start I just typed out "blogspot.com" and went from there. As I contemplated on the title I knew I wanted something really simple (less is ALWAYS more in my opinion) but also something that spoke powerfully to me.

And then it just came.

I have done a lot of things in my life just because I could. Not all of these things were necessarily right, but I did them none the less and as a result, I've grown. The agency behind that simple sentence has been explained to me in ways that I can't possibly begin to convey here. The ability to choose one's own way is such an integral part of my religion that, sadly, I've often taken the knowledge of WHY we have that gift for granted countless times. And what a gift it is! I'm not really talking about being able to choose between that lime green or pink shirt (although let's face it, I'm REALLY glad I can do that... pink isn't my thing). I'm talking about being able to choose when to laugh at someone's misfortunes, or not. Choosing to pick up the binky for the frazzled looking mom or pretending you don't see it. Choosing to read your scriptures even-though-it's-1:37 am-and-I-probably-won't-even-remember-what-I-read-anyways or not.

From the moment we get up our choices build on each other. Because I choose to not wake up on time, I now have to choose whether or not there is time for a shower, that choice might determine what I wear, how much time I have for my morning prayers, what I eat for breakfast etc. etc. At the end of the day I sometimes try and remember ALL the decisions I've made throughout my wanderings. Even the unconscious ones (did I actually choose to put that sock in the washer? Or was I just on auto). Most times when I do, the phrase "have I done any good in the world today" jumps out at me, usually as a reprimand because I could've done a lot more good if I had just slowed down, listened, and really prioritized my "to-do" list. Agency, I believe, is an essential part of our purpose here on earth and I hope that by becoming aware of this significant detail that I can make the most of my time here.


"Because I Can" also is a declaration of my belief in myself, which I will be the first to tell you, the depth behind that belief is oftentimes quite shallow. I believe we call it a work in progress. It was quite alarming this week to realize that I'm sometimes that only one who doesn't believe I can accomplish a task. I have a hard time realizing that my Heavenly Father really and truly loves me. UNCONDITIONALLY. The type-A part of my personality seems to be in a constant competition with myself to "be better, do more, run faster, jump higher, be kinder, BE SUPERWOMAN" and it ticks me off when it just seems like I can't be doing everything to make Him pleased with me. One of the most valuable lessons I've learned, and one of the most touching experiences for me, was when a friend suggested that I just "ask Him what He thinks of you". A part of me was entirely too scared to do this because you know, just WHAT IF He isn't happy with me? What if I wasn't kind enough the day before to warrant His love?

But I prayed anyways and guess what... I know He loves me. Better yet, He is pleased by my efforts to follow Him.

The phrase "Because I Can" serves as a reminder to me of that love. It reminds me that I need to believe in myself because He does and He is perfect.

I hope that serves some explanation to my title choice. To be fair, when I first created the blog I had no idea how those words ended up on the page. My fingers just typed them. Over the course of the what, 11 months? that I've continued on here the meaning behind the words has been made known to me in very personal ways. I hope that those reading it will understand that it's not meant to sound arrogant. (In the back of my head I can hear a 5-year-old explaining to his mom that he threw the cat "because I could!!") It's my mantra on life; to regard each moment as an opportunity and to believe in myself in those moments.

win.

Carol: So jess, do you listen to a song that goes "....shufflin...?"
Jess: oh yeah, "everyday I'm shufflin". That one?
Carol: YES! Yesterday Chloe and Safiya were saying that one line over and over and over. I guess you guys listened to it on the radio at the pool?
Jess: oh yup, that's called the Party Rock Anthem... and yes, we often rock out to that one... 
sorry.


secretly, this pleases me greatly. I'm such a great influence.