Lately I've felt like I'm living on the brink of big changes.
Changes that I'm aware of, yet unsure about.
Changes I'm completely unaware of.
I catch myself staring into space at odd moments, and then a glimmer of a new, vivid thought dances into my conscious; the idea that somehow, soon, my life is going to be different. I don't know how different it will be, but I get the feeling that life is going to take some unexpected twists soon. And you know what?
That's terrifying.
My type-A self cannot stand simply not knowing. Since I was eight I basically had my whole life planned out; I could have recited to you my one, five, and ten year plan on the spot. Now though, I'm at the end of my detailed plans. Beyond graduating college, the details of The Plan are more abstract. For the first time I can remember, I simply don't know where I'm going to be in the next year. There's no Big Goal and no Plan. The big choices I had to make in the last 20 years I had been preparing for, so when the time came, I knew my decision. Graduate high school: on The Plan. Get into college: on The Plan. BYU though?: yeah, that's part of The Plan. Get married: check! Graduate college: on The Plan (and almost checked off!). Now though, I find myself on this brink of change with absolutely NO IDEA how to navigate it.
But.
I'm learning.
My younger self needed a plan. That plan. It helped me steer through middle school, high school and college. It helped me avoid decisions that would've been detrimental. Ultimately, it got me where I am now.
Maybe though, my older, more mature self needs a different plan. Less of a plan actually. I'm learning to ride waves now instead of following a linear path. I'm learning to accept spontaneity. I'm learning patience: that virtue that has forever eluded my character. I'm learning how to be happy in the moment instead of always looking forward to next item on the plan.
Ultimately, I'm learning how to be happy with this brink of big changes.
