Now that the dust has settled and we're returning to our new normal, I finally have the time and bandwidth to write out Jasper's story. It's really therapeutic for me to do this and hopefully it's helpful for others to read!
Jasper's pregnancy started with a miscarriage scare. I had some spotting that was unusual for me, so we went in for an ultrasound to confirm the pregnancy. The ultrasound didn't show a viable baby which was really hard to hear. After discussing a few options, we decided to wait a week to see if my body would miscarry on its own and to proceed with the bloodwork to check hCG levels. I didn't have any spotting or bleeding the entire next week, which was both concerning and odd. My bloodwork came back and showed that my hCG levels were rising, indicating a healthy pregnancy. We went in for another ultrasound and low and behold, there was a nine week baby growing happy and healthy. It was totally a surprise, especially because the ultrasound the previous week should've shown something at least.
I think I was really drained from all of that back and forth because it took me a bit to start scheduling prenatals. I really loved my experience at Two Leaves with Anson but for some reason I kept wondering if there was another birth center we should check out. A quick Google search pulled up The Birth Center in Murray. They accepted our insurance and had really great reviews so we decided to check it out. The initial tour was wonderful and it just felt really right. This birth center had a few more medical conveniences available that were nice but not necessarily something I felt like I needed. I hemmed and hawed between the two birth centers until 16 weeks along and then finally decided on The Birth Center and tried not to dwell too much on why I felt like I needed something different this time.
The pregnancy went really well physically, though in hindsight I realized that I was experiencing some pregnancy depression. My inability to decide between which birth center to go with should've been a tipoff; I've never been indecisive. I was also really terrified of labor this time around. The last three weeks leading up to my due date were fraught with panic attacks and awful nightmares. It was beyond frustrating to deal with because I felt like I shouldn't be this nervous by my fifth go around. I couldn't pinpoint one exact thing I was scared about which meant I couldn't work through anything. I immersed myself in my Hypnobabies training, prayed a lot, read a lot of positive birth stories, and just tried my best to accept the inevitable.
My due date was May 27th. All that week I hadn't been sleeping well at all due to my nerves and just being massively pregnant. We had a prenatal that day and I was dilated to a 4 and about 80% effaced. I wasn't eager to get labor started and going past my due date with Anson definitely helped me have more patience this time. I arranged for the kids to spend the night at my in-laws in hopes of getting a really solid nights sleep. I did NOT want to start labor off being as tired as I was.
At 10pm, Kyle was on his way home from dropping off the kids and I was hit with an insane urge to clean everything. For an hour I vacuumed, swept, mopped, did dishes, and cleaned bathrooms. I finished up and was about to pop some Tylenol PM when I felt the first contraction. It wasn't unbearable but I knew it was definitely a contraction. I decided to just take some Melatonin instead and get as much sleep as I possibly could in case this turned out to be the real deal. One concern I had was the drive to the birth center; this birth center is 30 minutes from our house and I typically like to labor at home as much as I can. We knew this time we'd need to head to the birth center earlier than usual, so when my contractions started coming in every five minutes at 1am, we headed up.
After getting to the birth center I walked around a little bit, bounced on the ball, and generally just kept moving. Eventually the contractions spaced out a lot, about 30-45 minutes. At this point I was at a 5 and 100% effaced and no one felt like it was a good idea for us to head back home. We ended up sleeping through most of the night at the birth center.
At 6:30am I was up and moving again. I wanted to eat something and try and get labor going. By 7:30 the contractions were picking up in frequency and intensity. I kept breathing through them and talking with mom. For the next few hours I visited with my mom while Kyle wrapped up some work emails. The contractions were coming in good and hard every 5 minutes but I think I finally figured out how to cope with them.
I realized that being extremely present for each contraction was incredibly helpful. With each labor its been easier for me to shut off my brain quickly and let my body take over. This labor I felt like I started out with my brain relatively quiet. It allowed me to focus solely on the contraction at hand; not thinking about how many I'd already had or how much longer I needed to go. Just focusing on what my body needed to do in order to handle THIS contraction. I ended up moving around quite a bit.
At some point I lost track of the clock. My chart notes tell me I got into the birth tub around 10 am. I kept talking with mom and Kyle about... well I genuinely don't remember what we were discussing. Mom says I made them all laugh at something. I remember watching the sunlight filter through the leaves. I remember the candles flickering by the tub. I remember switching positions in the tub. I remember getting back on the bed with a peanut ball. I remember drinking cold water and feeling it hit my teeth weirdly. I remember getting back into the tub on a birth stool. I remember my midwife was wearing really cool gold earrings. I remember hearing Watermelon Sugar play as someone drove by.
Eventually I started shaking and feeling nauseous — all signs indicating to being in transition. Contractions starting becoming more intense. I've heard it described as "throwing down" and I fully agree with the term; all the same force as throwing up just in a different direction. My midwife noted that my amniotic sac was really strong and there was a chance the baby would be born in it still. They held up a mirror while I was on the birth stool so I could gauge progress better.
All at once my fears hit me like a freight train and I started panicking. My body recalled the exquisite pain of crowning again and I was terrified. I did NOT want to push, which I loudly informed everyone. My midwife quipped back, "Then don't! It's just as important for you to be mentally ready as it is to be physically ready." Hearing that was a game changer for me and I surrendered. My amniotic sac ruptured and the contractions picked up another notch. For 30 minutes I didn't consciously activate any muscles when a contraction hit. I let it wave over me as I mentally prepped for the impossible.
At 2:30pm some sort of switch flipped in my brain and I knew it was time. I don't know if I was 100% mentally ready but it no longer seemed to matter - this baby was coming now and I knew what I had to do: I pushed. I was in the tub slightly reclining on my back. Jasper started pushing on my diaphragm to help get out. My entire body stretched out horizontally to accommodate his movement. It didn't feel right. I flipped over to hands and knees and the pain reached a fever pitch.
Jasper crowned slowly enough not to tear but quickly enough to not have any skull shaping. My midwife later told me that most babies turn to one side, just once, to help rotate their shoulders out. Jasper turned side to side four times to help wiggle out his massive shoulders. Kyle helped guide Jasper out then finally, finally, he was in my arms and I just sobbed.
To this day I think there are just no words that fully captures those last few moments of labor. Maybe that's for a reason. Maybe it's inexplicable to remind me that there's still magic and miracles in the world. It will forever be the hardest thing my body endures followed immediately by greatest joy my heart knows.
It quickly became apparent why I'd felt like I needed to go to this birth center. I ended up losing a good deal of blood after the birth - it technically qualified as a hemorrhage. I got a Pitocin shot in the leg and an IV bag to help with the fluid loss. Jasper also had some borderline oxygen concerns that our midwives wanted to thoroughly vet. After a quick blessing from Kyle and my dad, they called in the life flight team and they were able to run a battery of tests at the birth center. Jasper's oxygen levels stabilized soon afterwards and he has been fine since. Both of these things were more easily handled at this birth center than our previous one. It made me profoundly grateful that I'd trusted my intuition from the beginning.
While Jasper's labor and delivery was my best one yet, the first month postpartum was really, really awful. Jasper ended up having a tongue and lip tie (which we got clipped). That combined with my insane milk overproduction contributed to a good deal of nursing, weight gain, and colic issues initially. My body was more weak than I've previously experienced because of the blood loss. This all made me more tired than I've ever been in my life, on top of a new baby, on top of already dealing with hormonally induced depression... yeah, it's been a lot.
Thankfully my midwives, Kyle, family, and friends have all been incredibly watchful of me. Zoloft and therapy was recommended and has been integral to my recovery. A few weeks ago Jasper started sleeping through the night now that all the nursing issues have been resolved and everyone is in a much better place.
Jasper has slipped seamlessly into our family. It's one of my favorite things to watch the sibling interactions with a new baby. In many ways it's like discovering a new puzzle piece that you didn't realize was missing. Our three older kids have been tremendously helpful in their own unique ways. Anson has taken over binky duty and ensures Jasper's binky is always nearby. I don't know what physics are at play with this but bringing a new baby home instantly ages everyone in the house. It's bittersweet to realize how much we're all growing up.
Jasper is a wonderful soul. He started smiling this past week which has melted our hearts. He's curious, contemplative, and pretty serious. He looks a lot like Alice did as a new baby. Jasper loves the bath more than our other kids has, tolerates the binky, really hates being cold, and adores his mom. We're honored to be his family!
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| Jasper Sterling Tuft 5/28/21 - 2:55pm 10 lbs, 21 inches |
