Every time I go to church I am constantly being reminded about how much better I could be doing. My roommate Natalie has one of the sweetest and genuine spirits I've ever encountered. And so do all 100 of the girls in my ward.
I've never been in a place where there are at least 2 piano playing geniuses in every dorm. And the others have had some level of musical background be it singing, (which I'm pretty sure we were all required to know), violin, cello, flute, guitar, saxophone, clarinet, viola etc. etc.
And not to mention just how much BETTER everyone is.. in EVERY aspect.
spiritually
academically
physically
emotionally
athletically
musically
(fill-in-the-blank)-ly
It's weird to be in this place and NOT get discouraged because of how little your achievements mean.
I could be happy that I ran 5 miles, and the next day hear how an FHE sister is running marathons like a boss.
I could be happy that I finally got to play the piano for a little bit, then hear how the girl downstairs has 3 music classes and is required to play 2 hours a day. And she jams on the piano like no one's business.
I could be happy with my ACT score, then sit in awe as Brad down the sidewalk explains his "unstudied" score of 35.
I could be happy for the 96/100 on a paper, then have that trampled by the roommate's 99/100 score.
I could be happy I was able to squeeze out the time to go to the temple, then hear about the people across the lobby who have religiously gone to the temple every Friday since school started.
I'm trying to just focus on using all of these people's talents, ideas and examples to help me become better. But when it seems like you're so low on the totem poll.... it's hard not to look up.
And then there are the days that I really just don't care anymore. Not in a suicidal sense mind you... but in the sense that I am recognizing that I am ME, and I have to live with that. There are habits that I wish I had, scores I wish I could get, and things that I wish I could do... but I'm not going to be able to do any of those things simply by looking up to examples. So every now and then I tell myself that I'm doing just fine; that I don't need to be anyone but me.
And then we go to church and the whole self-esteem slaughter ensues once more.
You are doing just fine, despite all the wonderful and talented people there, there's still not one other Jessica Anne Decker. And I am grateful for it!
ReplyDeleteThough this feeling still hasn't gone away from me, like you I've worked really hard to be satisfied with who I am. It's hard to find identity in this place sometimes, but it's possible.
ReplyDeleteI think you're cool.
You can do it.
hope you don't mind me reading your blog. Your mom gave me the address. Just remember that you also have talents and the combination of the different talents you have make you special. Do your best to do what Heavenly Father wants you to do, and nothing else really matters.
ReplyDelete