newly-wed life :: part 2

This past week, I realized something about myself and the best way I can explain it is to give an analogy; a sports analogy at that.

For most our lives, Kyle and I have been playing two different sports; living two different lives. These sports have had different rules, different opponents, different strategies and different mindsets. We both got really good at playing them. We were both key players on the field and on the court (he played "soccer", I played "volleyball"). We were even elected to be leaders on our teams, through birth order, personalities and by fellow teammates. His soccer game required a lot of communication because of the large playing field and the number of teammates. My game required short commands necessitated by the speed of the ball. His game required all the teammates to function properly; my game could be won (granted, not easily) by 3 or 4 star players. In his game, he was taught the value of working things through until you had a play that worked. I was taught that one person decides the play (setter) and the rest of the team follows that play.

Then we got married.

All of a sudden, both of us are starting from square one and learning how to play a completely different game. We're treading water, not running on grass, or diving on a court. I'm trying to play water polo by calling the shots and having the team follow; Kyle is trying to understand why we're doing a specific play when the team isn't in consensus. Kyle wants a lot of communication; I want short, quick commands. He's thinking about the most efficient way to win. Period. I'm thinking about the whole game; every play, every future play, every past play and "Was that a legal play? Maybe I should say something? This person is going to start crying if we don't pass the ball to them.... FOUL, FOUL, FOUL!! What are they doing! They're not doing this right?! That person isn't in the right spot; what exactly are they thinking? Where's a ref when you need one..." 

Oh, and we're both team captains. How bout that?! Both of us want to win, and we want to win badly. We have the same goal in mind, but our different strategies are preventing us from winning. I'm handing out quick commands, with no explanation and Kyle wants to know the reasons behind the command instead of just following through. Kyle is making decisions based on one play, and I'm wondering why he hasn't thought of the play that's going to come after. 

As I've thought more and more about how different our strategies are, I've come to a surprising realization (the whole point of this post); I've been playing this new game completely solo. I've been uninterested in working towards plays that make sense to all of us, because in my mind, the play I've picked out works perfectly as long as people just cooperate with me. I'm quicker to point out weaknesses of the strategy rather than strengths, and I'm quicker to give a command than a solution.

I don't bring this up to completely destroy my own self-esteem, but to illustrate something that I have finally realized. Marriage is not a solo sport. It is the ultimate team sport. You can't have a star player, you can't have one person calling the shots all the time, and you need to be able to communicate effectively. I don't know if this really is anything ground breaking to anyone, but for me, the sports analogy really helped illuminate the necessity of unity in a marriage. The teams I've been on have been the most successful when we were truly united in our effort to win the match. I don't think marriage is any different. So my goal is to be a better team player, because there's no other team I'd rather be on, and there's no better teammate I could ask for.