3 Weeks Postpartum

I’m reeling over the fact that Livvy is 3 weeks old. WE HAVE SURVIVED THREE FULL WEEKS AS PARENTS OF TWO UNDER TWO. Applause and accolades are welcome ;)

Livvy's recovery and health: Livvy has recovered really well. She was born 7lbs, 1 oz., dropped to 6 lbs., 12 oz. until my milk came in, and is now 8 lbs., 8 oz. That’s a pound and a half gained since birth! She’s wearing newborn clothes mostly but has moved into some 0-3 month items now too. She’s really filling out nicely (read: she LOVES to eat!) and has the double chins to prove it. We started a bit of sleep training this week and she slept through the night three times! From midnight – 8 am! We’re just doing the same thing we did with Milo and it seems to be working for her as well, thankfully. My mantra is that a sane mom makes for a happy family and I need sleep to be sane haha. Livvy is getting more and more alert; with her eyes being open more often we’re thinking that they’ll be brown, or at least pretty dark. Her features are getting more and more defined as well. I can’t tell if I’m biased because I know her gender, but it seems like she truly does have really feminine features.

My recovery: I honestly thought my recovery would take longer with each subsequent kid, but I was up and walking/shopping at Gap Factory with mom the day after I had Livvy. We had $100 in GapCash and clearly had our priorities in order ;) I was much less sore in every way after this birth. I imagine bench-pressing a 30lb baby for 9 months helped with that ;) Not tearing or having any stitches makes a huge difference too! I was a lot crampier for a lot longer this time around, and the bleeding has taken longer to subside but it’s not been anything unbearable.

Postpartum body: Nursing has sucked everything off of me again. It’s alarming to drop weight so quickly; I’m now cold all. the. time. Milo thinks my stretch marks are hilarious for whatever reason, so that’s cool. I’m surprised I can still stand cuz I have no abs to speak of, but hey, we’re working with what we’ve got!

Milo: Milo’s first reaction to Livvy was a huge hug and that’s basically held true since. The first week was a little rough for him since we had people in and out and he was kinda thrown off his normal schedule. While mom was here she watched both kids so Kyle and I could sneak in a date. I set her up with a bottle for Livvy, and Milo started throwing a fit because he wasn’t getting a bottle (he usually takes one before bed). I’m not sure if that was jealousy, or simply the fact that he wanted a bottle…. But that’s been the only real reaction. He loves to “give Livvy hugs” by resting his head on hers, and is quickly learning to say “baby”. When Livvy starts crying, he whips his head in her direction and will go on tiptoe to try and see her. Since Milo’s basically a 15-month Godzilla, doesn’t know what “soft” means, and hasn’t fully developed his spatial awareness, we don’t really leave the two of them in close proximity together. He’ll get really excited around her sometimes and end up smacking her unintentionally. I suppose that’s the downside of having kids so close in age. Milo’s been learning to identify facial features, and I think he’s using that to identify Livvy as a human. He’ll constantly touch her nose, then reach for mine, then touch his, saying “nose!” It’s cute, but also has me worried he’ll poke her eye out!

Nursing: Of all the differences in my experiences with Milo and Livvy, this is the biggest. Nursing has gone a thousand times better than it did with Milo. For one, I now know that no amount of sleep is worth getting mastitis over; and two, I’m aware I make a TON of milk. There’s currently over 3 gallons of pumped, frozen milk in our freezer. For the first two weeks I was nursing for 2 hours a day, then pumping at least 40 more ounces out. This week, with the sleep training, I’ve gotten much more regular. I think having Livvy latch on minutes after I had her helped a lot too. Things were still sore and uh, cracked, but I had my arsenal of nursing items prepped and ready to go this time, even before I’d packed my bag for the birth center.

Kyle: Do you know what it’s like being a full-time student, a full-time employee, working on a couple of life-changing career decisions, helping a somewhat crazed, hormonal wife (that's me, btw) AND becoming a father of two? It’s stressful. 100% stressful and Kyle’s handled things like the champ that he is. I don’t know how he's functioning but I do know that I couldn't do what he does, day in and day out. I’m just thankful for him. It’s been wonderful to watch him interact with his daughter.

Emotions and hormones: Looking back on my first month with Milo, I feel like I was swimming in water, just trying not to drown in the newness of it all. My hormones were all over the place, nursing was so, so painful, sleep was non-existent, and I didn’t think things would ever get better. I’ve definitely had my hormone battles this time too and I’ve taken steps to help alleviate them. I try and get out of the house at least once a day, and get out of the house WITHOUT kids once or twice a week. Even if it’s just a 20 minute errand, I’ve noticed that it helps my psyche a lot more than I thought it would. I’ve got some hormone pills that I’ve taken that have really helped too. In many ways I feel like I’ve “bonded” with Livvy sooner and better than I did with Milo (I’m not sure if “bonded” is the right word, but it’s the only word I can really think of to describe it). Maybe it’s just cuz I feel less like I’m out on a total limb this time, who knows. There are still times when I feel pure frustration at myself and with her, don’t get me wrong. But overall I think I’ve done better in reminding myself that this newborn stage is so fleeting and that the hard times WILL pass.

Being a mom of two: I can’t say my experience with two kids is everyone’s experience. The age difference has a lot of benefits and a few cons. I had literally no way to prepare Milo for his sister’s arrival; how do you explain the arrival of a sibling when they don’t even use a spoon? Milo doesn’t have cause and effect figured out, and he’s so big and heavy, with no spatial awareness, that he still falls of couches, let alone understands that he can hurt the baby. The plus side is that this life is his normal. He’ll probably never remember what his life was like as an only child. Jealousy isn’t really an emotion he’s dealt with before, and he rarely takes Livvy’s things because he wants them.

What's been the hardest has just been juggling schedules. If I get a shower before noon, it’s a productive day. It’s gotten better this week as Livvy’s eating schedule has played itself out. I’ve figured out that the newborn is the easy one to take care of; it’s the toddler that’s a bit tricky. I’d forgotten that the newborn will just sleep in the car seat. I can’t even remember the last time Milo did that. I’m still trying to figure out how to do a Target run when there’s no room in the cart between a car seat in it, and a toddler in the seat… but we’ll see how that goes.

This week I had my official “mom of two” moment. Being the efficient person that I am, I figured that it’d be really convenient to have Milo’s 15 month shots and Livvy’s two weeks shots done at the same appointment. Kyle originally couldn’t make it to the appointment, so I’d been gearing myself up for a week in preparation for this, but then his schedule cleared the day of, so I let my guard down. He met us at the doctor’s office and helped with Milo. We didn’t think of how much longer an appointment for two kids would be, rather than one. Both kids were weighed, measured, and examined, but then Kyle had to leave BEFORE the shots were administered! I’m sitting in the room, with two half naked kids, Livvy’s screaming cuz she’s hungry, Milo’s pulling everything in sight out of its proper place. The nurse opens the door and Milo takes off running down the hallway, laughing his head off. I run out to grab him while trying to keep Livvy’s pacifier in her mouth and hold her with one arm. Milo chooses to have a full on two-year-old fall-on-the-floor-flail-my-limbs-tantrum when I finally get him. I heave him up onto my hip and finally get back into the room. The nurse puts him up onto the table and tells me to grab his hands to soothe him. He gets three shots in the leg and brings the entire office roof down with his screams. He freaks the heck out of Livvy (who I’m still holding, trying to keep the pacifier in her mouth, with one arm). I get him down off the table, he flops down on the floor, and rolls around screaming. I hand Livvy to the nurse and try to comfort Milo. Suddenly Livvy’s screaming from her shot, which freaks Milo out even more. The nurse hands Livvy to me and then is out the door (super helpful). I’ve got two screaming, half-naked babies who are now starving too at this point. I get Milo calmed down with some crackers, put Livvy on the table as I get him re-dressed. I go to grab Livvy and guess what: homegurl has poop up to her EYEBALLS. It was hands down the biggest blowout I’ve ever dealt with. I’m not even sure the diaper did anything other than direct the poop OUT.

We miraculously made it home. I got Milo fed, Livvy bathed and fed, and both down for naps. I then sat on the couch for a solid hour and determined that I will NEVER be doing that again.

So yeah, that was my moment this week. I bow down to all you moms of multiple kids cuz that was just insane. I feel like I earned the title of “Mom” or something. Maybe I should go crazy and get the stick figure family decal on my car now ;) As crazy as it is, life as a family of four has just felt so, so right. We can’t imagine our lives without both kids and we’re so thankful to have them in our home.

Her hands got SO cold, so quickly!

Olivia Ann Tuft

October 9^th, 2015

2:30 AM – “Ouchhhh!” My eyes flew open. “That didn’t feel great”, I thought as I rolled over. You get used to various aches and pains when pregnant. I’d been having contractions for nearly four days, so I didn’t think twice before falling back asleep.

3:00 AM – “K, ready to be not be pregnant…” I groaned as another one hit and I rolled over again.

3:30 AM – “…. Wait, is this the real deal?” Then I recalled the previous week:

Sunday evening, when I officially hit full-term, we thought my water may have broken. We went to the birth center to confirm the leak and the test came out positive for a water break, but I’d previously had two, false positive tests so this wasn’t surprising news. Since there wasn’t much liquid the risk of an infection was very, very low. We decided to wait and see if contractions picked up at all or if more liquid came, which didn’t happen, so we went about our lives.

Wednesday evening I was very actively trying not to count the passing of time by watching Curious George with Milo while bouncing on my yoga ball. I got up, felt a little “ping!”, and more liquid came down. “This was it!” we thought. I called my mom to let her know. She couldn’t leave until Friday so she was sad she was most likely going to miss the birth. Pam picked up Milo, we packed up and headed to the birth center at 8 PM. With Milo the outer membrane of the amniotic sack had ruptured, so we chose to do a membrane sweep to get things going and seven hours later we had ourselves a baby. Expecting the same thing here, we again did a membrane sweep (which is about as comfortable as it sounds, ps). During the sweep my midwife said that Livvy had flipped completely posterior and told me that I should stay leaning forward, on hands and knees, to get her turned to the best position which would also avoid a lot of back pain during labor. My contractions picked up good and hard after the sweep. For four hours we stayed at the birth center working through them, but they never stayed consistent. This labor was not following the same script we thought it would. By 1 AM both Kyle and I were exhausted. We talked over our options; 1: break the water completely and have a baby, or 2: go home and get some rest. As quickly as we both like to accomplish things, we just didn’t feel right about rushing through this. We’d both been up all night the previous night (him – with a teething Milo; me - with contractions). We didn’t want to run the labor marathon on an empty tank of gas, so we decided to head home. My midwives gave me a magnesium tablet to help relax the muscles and two Tylenol PM’s. We zonked and I had the best night's sleep I'd had in months.

On Thursday we went about life as normal. Contractions were intense but very irregular. I stayed on my feet, got a mani/pedi, and went to the chiropractor to get my back adjusted (all the better to labor with, my dear!). By the evening my contractions had settled down and I hadn't had any more leaks; it seemed like this little girl wanted to bake a bit longer. We picked Milo back up from Pam’s and then we got a surprise text from my mom saying she was en route here a day earlier than planned, driving like a madman with her dad. They arrived around 9 PM. Mom and I discussed tactics for our “Walk Baby Out” project to commence the next day and then we all went to bed around 11 PM.

“Yeah, see Jess? This can’t be the real deal. You've had too many false alarms already. Just try walking her out tomorrow”, and I flipped my pillows over and fell asleep.

4:00 AM – “Ok, SOMETHING is happening here!” I jolted up as another contraction hit me. This one was different. Trying not to get excited I thought, “If this is the real deal, I need to rest as much as possible”. So I tried again to fall back asleep.

4:30 AM – “Well, this is pointless”, I muttered as I got up. I decided to take a hot shower to help alleviate some of the intensity from the contractions. My back was getting a bit uncomfortable so I thought it may help with that too.

5:30 AM – “Now I’m a shriveled prune AND my back hurts”. I got out of my tub/shower and back into bed. These contractions were annoyingly inconsistent and my back HURT.

6:00 AM – “Wait. BACK PAIN. BABY IS IN THE WRONG POSITION”. Suddenly the light bulb went off in my head. Of course my back hurts if she’s posterior! I got up and flipped over to my hands and knees on our bed to try to get her turned.

6:25 AM – “Andddd she’s flipped!” I grinned in satisfaction.

6:30 AM – “BIRTH CENTER. NOW.” No longer grinning, I immediately felt the difference in contractions. Nothing was irregular. Coming in three minutes apart and lasting a minute and a half, I was worried we wouldn’t even make it to the birthing center. We called the birth center hotline to let them know we were coming. We got up and packed the last few things. Mom made us eggs, and I breathed through my contractions again using the HypnoBabies techniques I’d learned last time. Kyle alerted his mom – she and my mom would work out getting Milo taken care of.

7:30 AM – We arrived at the birth center and I got checked. 6 cm dilated; 80% effaced. Last time I had done most of the laboring in the birthing tub. It sounded good again so I jumped in. 10 minutes later I was out and walking around. Reclining back at all just didn’t feel right. I leaned over and hugged a huge stack of pillows at the foot of the birthing bed instead and swayed my hips through each contraction.

8:30 AM – 8 cm dilated, 100% effaced. More of the same. More leaning over and swaying through the contractions.

9:30 AM – 9.5 cm dilated; 100% effaced. I was starting to feel a bit pushy, and I was really anxious not to tear. I jumped back in the birthing tub in preparation to push remembering that the water helped relax my muscles so much the last time.

9:45 AM – I got out of the tub. My contractions weren’t as intense and felt less effective EVERY time I was in that darn tub! While it felt nice to get a break, I was on the Highway to Push and needed more motivation, and there’s nothing more motivating than contractions.

10:30 AM – I was feeling even more pushy, but not quite as pushy as I had been with Milo. My midwife suggested sitting on the birthing stool to intensify the pushes. Let it be known that squatting down while in labor definitely adds to that pushy feeling!! I still felt like my contractions weren’t very effective, and since my body was totally ready, I asked for them to break my water.

11:00 AM – I jumped into the tub. Looking back I think my brain kept chanting “tub”, while my body was saying “squat”. Brains get in the way of labor. Follow your body.

11:15 AM – Livvy’s heart rate was starting to drop a bit more during contractions than my midwives liked to see, making time a more crucial factor. They checked me and found that I had a small lip of cervix in the way, which was making me feel pushy only at the peak of contractions, rather than through the whole thing, which in turn made my pushes less effective. While in the tub, they attempted to push the lip back over her head. The tub was so relaxing to me that I couldn’t get a good feel of when to push and when not too. I reflexively jumped out of the tub and onto the birthing stool again, my brain screaming, “But it’ll hurt more on the stool!” which is when I was sure that’s where I needed to be. It was gonna hurt like hell before it got better and there was no point in trying to avoid that.

At this point I just suspended rational thinking and hung on to what my midwives were saying. One midwife helped keep that cervical lip out of the way through contractions, the other coached me on how to bear down better. That lip inhibited a lot of my natural urge to push. Slowly, slowly we worked through it all. Kyle stood right in front of me and I clung to his belt loops as I bore down, each contraction bringing Livvy closer. Kyle says he was getting worried I’d pull his pants straight off! Each contraction I pushed harder and harder. There aren’t words to describe the feeling of being asked to do the impossible again. And again. And then once more. One midwife put an oxygen mask on me during the last couple pushes to give me just the extra bit of strength necessary to push her out. The oxygen cleared my head.

11:45 AM – “THIS IS THE LAST PUSH!!” I yelled to myself. She started to crown and time hung still. Suddenly my world went black and I felt out of control. For a few milliseconds it felt like something bad had happened since I’d been so aware and present during the whole labor. Half cognizant, I heard one midwife say to stop pushing, and another coached me to puff out my breaths. Livvy’s head was out and they wanted the rest of her to slowly come out so I wouldn’t tear.

11: 47 AM – A cry.

Snap back to reality. The blackness disappeared. My little Livvy had arrived.

We walked back to the bed after everything was cleaned up a bit. Livvy latched on to nurse seconds after I put her up to my chest. I didn’t tear, though I was absolutely convinced that I had. All the afterbirth stuff passed approval and Livvy was weighed and measured; 19 inches and 7 lbs., 1 oz. (I was off by one ounce in my weight guess!). After she and I passed inspection I took a shower with Kyle’s assistance while mom held Livvy. We could stay at the birthing suite until 5:30 PM so we felt no rush to get going. It’d been just over four hours since our arrival and we were more than a bit winded! Mom left to get some groceries and Kyle, Livvy, and I hopped into the bed. Too keyed up on adrenaline, I laid down next to Livvy and, as all moms do the world over, inspected every inch of her.

“She’s here”. I thought. “My beautiful girl is finally here”.

Not sure about the outside world yet. She was COVERED in vernix (that white stuff) since she came so early.

Her first gaze at me :) I tear up at this pic. every. single. time.

Looking at Daddy

BOWS. I DIE.

A Great Grandma Rowley special puff quilt! (From my maternal grandmother).

So it's been a while....

The problem with going so long in between posting is trying to figure out how to succinctly word everything that has happened since the last post. To make short of the last 4 months:

• We bought a car
• Milo turned 1
• Kyle walked at his graduation ceremony
• Kyle got a new job
• I quit my job
• We moved
• Aaaaaand we're having a baby next month. LOL.

And now to make long of the last 4 months:

We had a legitimate miracle come in place that allowed us to buy a second car! We got a 2006 Toyota Highlander and it's been such a blessing. Sharing one car was getting really tricky with Kyle working full time and me being at home with Milo. Having a second car has been a HUGE relief.

We had a small summer BBQ to celebrate Milo turning one. I figured since Milo will have no memories of his first birthday that we should treat it as more of a "yay! we survived our first year as parents" kind of party. Milo picked out a toy car that he's obsessed with still, we got him a few books and a bouncy ball, and he demolished a cupcake. We invited our friends and family over for a BBQ and lawn games. It was really nice seeing everyone.

He ate every single crumb of that thing

Kyle is in his last semester of school, so he walked early in August, and will be officially done in December. My mom and brother drove down to attend and help us pack a bit. We're really proud of him!

Kyle was offered a salaried position at the company he's worked for all through college. It's a really amazing position that offers some pretty unparalleled opportunities for him in his career. One perk is that he can work from home a few days of the week! That combined with adding baby #2 meant that we needed to find a bigger place MUCH sooner than we anticipated. Somehow 600 square feet just didn't seem like it'd accommodate an office, two babies, and two adults ;) We spent about a week scouring KSL for a suitable place (and honestly, anything was an upgrade from what we had. The first few ads I was like "Hun, it has a tub! Let's do it!"), then we stumbled upon this gem of a place we're now in maybe 15 minutes after it was posted. We're still in Orem, and still renting, but a much better house! 4 bedrooms, 1.5 bathrooms, upgraded kitchen, FREAKING CENTRAL AC. We moved in at beginning of this month and have been slowly turning it from house to home.

Bye bye old house!

Hello new house!

With the new job it became possible for me to quit working at Larsen Billing Service. It was a great job for the time I needed it but it quickly became clear to us that I was not going to be able to make both being a mom and an employee work as well as I'd like, especially once baby girl came along. My last day was the day before we moved, and it's honestly been a huge relief to not be working while in this transition!

Kyle started his last semester the week we moved in. We're nothing if not smart in our planning ;) He's taking four elective classes that he's really enjoying. We turned one of the bedrooms into an office for him and got that all painted and set up for the most part. He's loving having the space for all of his books and the new curved screen monitor his work got him as a type of signing bonus.

Milo is doing fantastically. He was a little out of sorts after the move, but he's really pleased with the extra space he can walk (yes, WALK) around in. Also, this house has stairs and apparently he can climb them? The going down part is still shaky... but he mostly laughs when he falls down them. Weird kid. His top four front teeth are in (finally), and his appetite has doubled since he started walking. He ate an ENTIRE box of mac n' cheese for lunch today. AN ENTIRE BOX. His first word was "no", which he loves to yell while in the throes of a tantrum. He's also learned "uh oh" and "meow" (which are much more adorable to hear ;)) and he's figuring out how to wave. He's started to really love books for their intended function and not just to eat; he'll spend a good hour flipping through the pages. He's also really loving Sesame Street and Daniel Tiger too. Milo's started to adopt this really cute head-cock-to-the-side-and-slyly-grin maneuver. It melts the hearts of all the ladies in Target and he full well knows it!

I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and doing pretty well. I've had a few symptoms of preeclampsia so my midwives and I are keeping a careful eye out for any escalation of that. In reference to the last post; I am doing SO, so much better in terms of wrapping my head around baby #2 and with accepting my role as a mom. There are still days where I feel torn between feeling like I do everything and then feeling like I don't do anything of value at all, but I don't think that's abnormal and I'm handling those emotions much better. Other than that I've been slowly unpacking what I can and setting things up. There's nothing quite like moving to take your mind off the passing of time while pregnant! I've been debating on what would be harder: moving with a newborn or moving while pregnant. My vote is the latter because of the physical limitations. It kills me not be able to lift boxes and unpack!

All in all, we've felt incredibly blessed the last little bit. You know how sometimes you feel guided towards certain decisions or situations? Well, we feel like we've been literally pulled down this path. It has been relieving and we're so excited for all the changes that have happened, despite the stress of it all!

The Brutal Truth

I've not been ok. I'm now much better than where I was, but this spring has been really rough.

February 20th we found out I was expecting Baby Tuft #2. Milo and this little girl will be 15 months apart and while she was technically planned (there - now ya'll can stop wondering) it was still quite a shock. I'd been banking on my normal "late to the game" body and nursing to make getting pregnant difficult, but CLEARLY THAT WASN'T THE CASE. When the two lines on the test are a surprise you don't know what to feel and it really threw me in a tailspin. Two kids under 18 months. How were we going to do this?! I'd just figured out a good pattern so I could manage working from home, mothering, and somewhat maintaining the house. Dinners were still a far-off dream but I was working on it at least. "Normal life" was on the horizon and I was excited for that.

I waited for the shock to wear off, and it did, but then I just sank and sank hard. Call it first trimester hormones if you will, but I battled with crippling feelings of being overwhelmed. I was now gonna be "THAT GIRL". The typical Mormon girl, of the "married quick, settled down, and whipped out kids" variety. I quickly started to resent that positive test, which made me feel horrible because aren't you supposed to just feel pure joy? How dare I not be happy for this new life, especially when I know so many women who would've gladly been in my shoes.

I thought I hit rock bottom about three weeks after that positive test. Milo was on his second blowout of the day and was crabbier than normal. I turned on Elmo's World, went into my room and just cried. I was so tired. Tired of the same thing all the time. Tired of feeling nauseous (thank you pregnancy), tired of not knowing how to be this new me in this new role. Tired of trying to "make time for myself" because that now had become something on the ever-growing to-do list. Tired of being solely responsible for Milo's well being. Oh, and no where near ready have another baby. I sobbed for a solid hour. I felt like I just could not keep going.

The following hour was spent in total guilt for my feelings. I shouldn't feel like this. My baby is really good for the most part, I'm not recovering from a hard birth, I get to sleep at night, I have the blessing of being pregnant, PLUS, we knew the timing of having this baby was undeniably right. I thought, "maybe I wouldn't feel like this if I could just make time for all those Sunday School answers (read scriptures, pray, temple attendance, make it through all three hours of church etc.)" which only succeeded in exacerbating my guilt.

The thing is.... motherhood is a very different type of thing once you're in it. Milo isn't a hard kid, but there can be a monotony in it all. Milo up, diaper change, feed him, play time, nap time, diaper change, feed, play, nap, diaper, feed, play, dinner, bath, diaper, bedtime. Over and over. Day in, day out. And yeah, I work in that routine, and try to have some me-time, but that's the reality of things. There is far less spontaneity than there used to be and usually I'm ok with that, but I think things caught up with me at that point. Instead of being ok, I got angry. Motherhood was promised to be this wonderful time where you got to learn how to be the most Christlike you'll ever be. It's supposed to be the "highest, holiest, and noblest" of callings, but it sure doesn't feel all the noble when your kid spits up yogurt all over you, or when you're changing the 5th poopy diaper of the day. I didn't go into this was the idea that it'd be all butterflies and roses, but I didn't expect the monotony to be so hard. In some ways I felt gipped? That's the only way I can describe it. I wasn't the mom who couldn't wait for her baby to wake up from his nap to play with him, I didn't cry leaving him with a babysitter, nor did I constantly think of him when I was away. How were all these other new moms feeling like that? Were they all in on some sort of "make Jessica feel bad" conspiracy? Or did they really, genuinely feel like that, and if so, HOW DO I GET SOME OF THAT?!

Another rock bottom moment for me was after General Conference actually. It felt like every talk either focused on families or mentioned families. General Authorities were telling me that having a family was the most important thing you could do and that they'll bring the greatest joy to your life and all I could think was "lies!" But of course, I knew they were right. And if I knew they were right, then something was wrong with me; I was the heathen that needed to change and I had no idea how. I felt like we'd done everything we could to make sure we were doing the right things in our life, including having kids when we did. Where was the "reward after your faith" part? When did the blessings come? And why on earth did I feel like I was backsliding spiritually when everything leading up to this time had been so right?

I confided everything to Kyle that night and he suggested that maybe I go in for a depression screening. Our first prenatal was coming up so at that appointment I told my midwives what was going on and they gave me their standard screening form. Sure enough, my answers put my on the higher end of the depression scale and they suggested seeing a therapist. I wasn't altogether surprised honestly. I knew I wasn't handling things well or as I normally did, but I didn't have any of the other normal markers of depression. I'd never thought of hurting myself or Milo; I wanted him happy, healthy, and fed but I just didn't want to be the only one responsible for all of that. While I wasn't surprised, I still couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. Milo was 7 months old - how could I be dealing with postpartum depression now, especially when I'd taken big strides to make sure I avoided it?

I started meeting with Lura, my counselor, once a week the day after that prenatal appointment. This has been an immense help for me, so much so that I feel back to my normal self again. Lura helped me realize that almost her entire clientele base was made up of women in nearly my same situation; I was far from alone in dealing with these feelings. She helped me realize that we are angriest at the people that we feel the safest towards because we know there's far less risk of "burning those bridges"; that my anger towards God in all of this, while not necessarily just, was ok. That it meant on some level I trusted Him enough that He was a safe place for me to be angry with Him. This was a huge turning point for me as I was able to let go of not only the guilt that I'd had for this feeling, but also able to really scrutinize where this anger was coming from.

Another turning point was during Women's Conference. I was initially worried that I'd leave just feeling more like I wasn't good enough which I wasn't exactly looking forward too. Sister Oscarson spoke the first night about the importance of covenants in our lives. It was very doctrinally intense but I had a huge "aha moment". Sis. Oscarson said that we keep our covenants by keeping His commandments, we keep His commandments because we love Him, and we can grow our love for Him by serving others. I don't know why it dawned on me here but I realized that my daily, monotonous routine of taking care of Milo was actually me serving God because I know that God looks at any service to one of His children as service to Him. In short, my "day in, day out, over and over, monotony" was filled with service to Him, and that it was helping me keep my covenants. So while I may not have time or energy to do the Sunday School answers as well as I'd like, or as often as I'd like, I'm ok. I'm enough, and I'm doing enough at this stage in my life.

I shared a bit of this a few Sundays ago in my testimony and I was shocked, so shocked, at the number of women who thanked me for what I said or privately, anonymously confided their own struggles with postpartum depression. I think these feelings are something that all moms deal with on one level or another. It's hard not to compare our efforts with those of other women but I think what's hardest of all is thinking that somehow our kids are suffering because of our lack. It's exceptionally difficult sometimes to realize that where we are, what we are doing, and how we're doing it is enough. Yes, we can probably always be doing better but that doesn't mean that what we're currently doing isn't good enough. Maybe if we just hear it enough then one day we'll believe it.

You're probably all thinking, "Whoa, Jess. Way to bear your soul on the Internet!" and yeah, that's a pretty accurate reaction. Just thinking about writing this all out was really stressful. And I hope this doesn't come across as "woe is me!" because I really am doing immensely better. I guess I just wanted to be able to say to someone, even just one person going through something like this, that I get it, I'm there, and that it really, truly, gets better.

20 Things I didn't know about Pregnancy, Labor, & Breast Feeding

Round two has been very different than round one. I'm much less paranoid about many things and everything is going so much faster. I completely forgot about our gender check ultrasound until I got the email reminder for it the night before. With Milo I was counting down the days the second I found out I was pregnant...

My interest in all things birth related hasn't been different though; I just find it all so interesting! Below is a list of things I've learned through the hundreds (ok.... maybe tens) of books that I've read about pregnancy, labor, and breast feeding. Some I learned through experience first then further study, others I just read about and filed in the "that's fascinating" file ;)

1. Once pregnant the immune system shuts off so the white blood cells don't attack the growing baby. This means that not only will you have the first trimester symptoms, but you'll likely catch a cold, flu, and/or anything else that's going around.
2. Some women run warmer than normal once pregnant (98.9-99.5). It'll feel like you're running a fever and make for some sleepless nights as your body adjusts to its new temperature.
3. Some women don't know they're pregnant until they're done with the first trimester, and it's ok to hate those women.
4. Babies are coated in a waxy, white skin called vernix. It starts disintegrating around 38 weeks so some babies are born with a lot, some aren't. When a baby is hungry, they'll start rubbing their mouth with their hands. They're getting used to the taste and smell of the vernix because it tastes exactly the same as the mother's breast milk. It's natures perfect helping tool to get the baby ready to eat! (Some studies indicate that delaying the first bath will help the baby quickly learn to breastfeed as it delays washing off all the vernix.)
5. If you're experiencing heartburn, your baby may be growing hair. The same hormone responsible for hair growth also loosens the sphincters in your esophagus, which creates heartburn.
6. There are two types of contractions. One to "widen", and one to "push out". They feel very different and you have no control of either of them.
7. A chiropractor visit 6 weeks postpartum can help cure long-term back problems. There's just enough relaxin in the body to make for a really great adjustment, but it is leaving the body so the bones will "set" in place. Relaxin is the hormone responsible for loosening up joints to get the body ready for labor.
8. A chiropractor visit can also help turn a stubborn baby into the correct position!
9. Pregnant women are more susceptible to UTI's. Load up on Cranactin or D-Manoose to help prevent it.
10. Nitrazine strips can be used to test if the mom is leaking amniotic fluid, but they can be falsely positive if there is any presence of urine, semen, or blood with the sample.
11. Skin to skin contact between baby and mom helps regulate the baby's body temperature. The mom's skin can warm AND cool a baby. Dad's skin just warms them up.
12. Tongue-tied babies have a very hard time latching, which is bad news for them and mom.
13. Flat nipples make it hard to breastfeed. You'll quickly learn if you have them or not, but there are many tools available to help with that.
14. Many lactation consultants suggest not getting a nursing bra with an underwire before having your baby. The underwire could clog a milk duct when your milk comes in, and you really won't know your true size until a few weeks after that, once everything becomes more regular.
15. A true milk deficiency is apparently very rare. The amount of milk changes with the needs of the baby. Babies will secrete a growth hormone in their saliva a few weeks before a growth spurt. When nursing, the saliva reacts with the glands around the nipple which triggers a response in the milk ducts to produce more milk in preparation for the baby's growth spurt.
16. Milk supply naturally drops when a mom starts her period back up after having her baby. They require the same hormone, so milk production will take a small dip, then work back up as your body gets used to having more of that hormone to support both functions.
17. Placentas normally attach posteriorally (towards your spine) rather than anteriorally (towards your belly button). Both attachments are usually fine but you'll likely feel less of the baby's movements if it's attached anteriorally as the placenta is thicker at it's attachment point; there's more substance for the baby to "punch through". (Kyle also suggests looking up pictures of afterbirth so you're not freaked out at all - it's not a pretty picture)
18. One sign of pre-eclampsia is high blood pressure. At prenatal appointments you'll always have your blood pressure checked, in part to watch for any increases. While your blood pressure levels may still fall within normal ranges, if they are becoming high for your body, then that may still be a concern.
19. Lying on your back while in labor decreases the circumference of your pelvic opening by up to 30%, making it harder to push a baby out. Imagine a circle held upright, then tilted - the area decreases when it's tiled.
20. Nursing releases a lot of oxytocin which helps contract the uterus back down to its normal size after birth. You may feel "crampy" when nursing as a result.

Baby Physics 101

1. The fullness of the diaper is directly proportional to the speed in which you need to get out of the door
2. Blowouts only happen when the baby is wearing white, has just had a bath, or is about to go to bed
3. The smaller the baby, the more of the bed they take up
4. The projectile distance of newborn spit-up is directly proportional to the soreness of your arms
5. A baby adds 3x the amount of dirty laundry to the household
6. The amount of Cheerios on the floor increases exponentially with the age of the baby
7. The number of times a baby pees on your bed sharply increases from midnight to 5am
8. The busier the day, the fussier the baby
9. The cost of the toy is indirectly proportional to the baby's interest in it
10. The cost of the clothes is directly proportional to the number of blowouts that will occur in it
11. The number of tantrums increases the hour before dad comes home (the same hour you're making dinner), then drops to 0 the second he walks in the door
12. The biggest smiles come when the mom is most frustrated &/or tired
13. The length of feeding the baby always increases as the time to leave the house decreases
14. The hour before bedtime is not 60 minutes long
15. The love for the baby grows exponentially every. single. day.

Shhhelfie

6 Months Old; 12 Months Tall

Well.

Milo's half a year old and I'm still freaking out. That was the fastest 6 months of my entire life. Previously, the fastest 6 months had been January - June 2010, the last 6 months of high school, but I was so looking forward to the end of that 6 months.

He's officially cleared the 20 lbs mark and shot up another inch (28 inches). I had to go get a few more pairs of 9-12 month size leggings this week since his 6-9 month pants had become Capris. We have a ton of jeans for him, but if he wears the size that gives him the length he needs, then the waist is too big and they just fall off. I'm not entirely unfamiliar with this problem since that defines my 5-15 year old life. #leggingsforlyfe.

He's rolling around all over place these days. It takes him .093 seconds to flip onto his stomach when I lay him down on the floor. He's figuring out how to rock back up on his knees, and he loves when I help him do wheelbarrows. Milo's figured out that his socks taste fantastic, that rice cereal tastes un-fantastic, and that avocados are his jam (or guacamole. hahaha... Sorry that was lame). He's sitting up much better these days and loves to be tossed in the air, even if my arms aren't a fan of that.

We've been battling separation anxiety over here the last two weeks; he always wants us to be in seeing distance. Milo is getting more curious about his outside world. The other day he stared at his blanket from great-grandma Rowley for a solid 10 minutes, just looking at the patterns on the fabric. He's beginning to reach out and grab objects too. He tried grabbing my tongue last week but soon became frustrated with that exercise. We just found out last night that he can hold his bottle now too, though I'm kaboshing that one since my only snuggle time with him is when I feed him. He's still sleeping through the night really well, but he's sleeping less during the day. We're still trying to figure out his nap patterns. It seems like he needs at least 4 hours of sleep in the day to be a happy baby. Otherwise we're all in trouble.

It's been great being a mom. Much less stressful and overwhelming and all-consuming than I thought, though yes, I still have those feelings occasionally, and that's ok too.

Happy Milo

Sit-up Milo

Separation Anxiety Milo

Sock-eating Milo

Laughing Milo

Somewhat-crawling Milo

Church Milo (insert heart-eye emoji here CUZ THAT GINGHAM TIE IS EVERYTHING)

Bottle-feeding Milo.
If you can't tell, he's looking at the bottle like "...the heck is this contraption?"

Now - in response to my good friend Danica's recent post - she tagged me to share 7 facts that ya'll may not know about me. Since I know my mom and mother-in-law are most likely the only ones reading, I'll have to be clever with these facts as they know me so well:

1. From a young age I mastered the art of "out of sight, out of mind". Yes, my room is spotless, but don't look under the bed!
2. I've taken hundreds of those "Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert" tests and each time I'm told something different. Apparently I'm 50/50 introvert and extrovert. Kyle's the same way. It can make things difficult when one of us is feeling particularly extroverted and the other is not. It can make things awesome when we're both feeling particularly extroverted or introverted.
3. I try very hard to not offend people - sometimes to a fault. Many times social media drives me nuts because it seems like people are more concerned with having an opinion rather than having any knowledge. I don't care if you've seen American Sniper or choose not to because of the rating. I don't care if you love doTerra or not, are Republican or Democratic, support net-neutrality or not, had a medicated or non-medicated birth.... just don't be rude about your opinion. AND STOP FIGHTING OVER FACEBOOK.
4. I have to gear myself up for hours to wear bright lipstick.
5. I tend to go to extremes. One day I'm 100% on board with being a super granola, yogi zen master who eats açaí berries and has dreads. The next day I'm set to be an extreme marathon runner who's up at 5 am everyday running 20 miles and actually cares about how fast my mile times are.
6. Gifs are the greatest thing to happen to the Internet since the Internet began.
7.  I do not understand or care to learn how to use Twitter. I had one for a few months but I got so confused and cared so little that I deleted it.

I'm supposed to tag 7 other bloggers to share 7 facts... but I honestly don't know 7 other regular bloggers; I am incredibly un-cool like that. Instead I'll tag my Aunt Nancy since she's awesome and I think her facts would be interesting :)

Happy Saturday folks!

A Solidly Random Post

I've started this post oh, possibly 18 times.

I have approximately about 194,872 things on my mind. Things I've wanted to share, things I've wanted to rant about, things I've wanted to discuss. Mostly, yes, about Milo cuz #momlife and all that. But first...

HOLIDAYS:

Thanksgiving we flew up to Washington to see my side of the family. Milo's first flight and he was a champ both ways!

Got his wings on the way there! And laughing on the way back (below). Like, really?

Also, no idea why it's flipped here... I'm not even gonna bother figuring that out.

It was the first time my aunts, uncles, and grandparents had seen Milo and he was spoiled so hard. We were up for about 10 days and it was wonderful to relax. I thought it was interesting once married how you suddenly became privy to details you normally wouldn't be... that magnifies a LOT once you become a parent! But I'm so grateful for the relationships that I have with my family.

Now here are some super high quality phone pictures!

Proof of being spoiled!!

Neither are sure what to make of the other...

My cousin Daniel with Milo

Milo and Ila (Daniel's youngest sister), born 2.5 weeks apart. Originally ok....

...then Milo got jealous of Ila's mad tummy skills

4 generations!

Got my haircut! Woot, woot!

Where I wound up finding my kid 99.9% of the time. He never falls asleep in my arms, so I don't know how this happened. Grandma powers, man.

He also slept like this and it was adorable

Grandma and Grandpa Rowley with Milo

Milo wasn't too sure at first about Grandpa

Milo's best Blue Steel attempt

Our 3rd anniversary came and went! We finally tried out Red Iguana up in Salt Lake and it was awesome. The mirachi band came out to perform and Kyle got a bit teary-eyed from the memories they brought. My heart is still a puddle on the ground there.
Christmas we stayed in Utah with the Tuft's. A white Christmas morning came (I WAS THE FIRST ONE UP AGAIN 6 AM WHERE YOU AT) and Santa had delivered his presents, but pirates had stolen them because there weren't any true-believers anymore!

After solving a riddle, we followed the map to four different secret locations. We had found two locations before we Skyped with Spencer (Kyle's brother in Honduras) and Nicole (my sister in Italy). Both are six months into their missions and are doing well :) We ate breakfast/lunch (if it's breakfast at 1pm, is it still breakfast??) then found the two other secret locations. It was a lot of fun and Milo slept through most of it. With most of the family in town we played games, hung out, and played volleyball at the church where I quickly realized that I am sorely out of shape and I SHOULD NOT BE JUMPING. Fortunately we didn't take any pictures of that.

Brian led our quest dressed as a Frosty/Rudolph hybrid ;)

Milo being 10,000% done with holiday cheer

Spencer!

Nicole!

New Year's Eve we had some friends over for games that night. It was a bit last minute, but it was still a lot of fun. Because we're now old, married, and have kids, we ended the party around 11. Kyle and I drank Martinelli's in our pj's and rang in the New Year debating the ethics of the recent Star Trek episode we'd watched. So yeah, it was basically like every other night.

My New Year's resolutions have mostly taken a backseat for 2015. To be perfectly honest... I don't really set resolutions. I have this horrible thing where I don't make goals if I think I'm not gonna reach them, so I save myself the horror of actually failing them. Last year I wanted to cook dinner every single day. Three days in we went to Slab, so obviously that was a good goal. This year I have decided to "just get it on the table". Regardless of how messy my kitchen is, how fancy the food is, how Martha Stewart/Pinteresty the table is, or even how healthy it is. Low expectations are something I can deal with ;) So far, so good. I gave myself 1-2 days off where I don't have to make dinner and that's been realistic for me.



Other things:

Milo will be 6 months old in a few weeks and I'm so stunned it almost hurts. At our last check-up our pediatrician mentioned that we could start introducing him to solids and I just looked him like he'd smacked the side of my head. At first I thought he was just pushing solids prematurely, so I looked up the most "pro-nursing" opinion I could find: even La Leche League agrees that solids can be introduced between 4-6 months. For some reason I'd resigned myself to exclusively nurse Milo until he was a year old? No idea where I got that one. Apparently I was being more granola than the Granolas. I was basically oats.

Mostly just interested in the spoon right now

Anyway. All that to begin the typical mom rant: THIS IS GOING TOO FAST PLEASE PLEASE SLOW DOWN.

When Milo was about 20 hours old, I finally had a chance to sit on our couch and just look at him. Really, really look at him. My heart hadn't gone all Grinch yet (grown 2 sizes, too big), and I was hypersensitive of any sign of post-partum depression, so I decided that if I just looked at him, then maybe I'd get that swelling, life-altering, heart-stopping swoosh of love for this baby. So I sat and I held him, and I looked. I examined every single crease of his old man forehead. The tiny flakes of newborn skin that were just starting to fall off, the nearly invisible strands of eyebrows. The peachfuzz. The veins on his head, the soft, soft fingernails, the closed lips - MY LIPS?! His monstrous palms. Every single detail. Everyone had said it goes so fast so I wanted to do my due diligence and try and appreciate the moments that I had, though at the time, I didn't really understand why. It sure wasn't going fast then. I was actually pretty freaking sore and more tired than I'd ever been. But I wanted some time to freeze-frame this one second of my tiny, tiny baby.

And did that love come? Holy sweet moly. Yes it did.

In that one hour of holding and looking at this baby boy, my life completely altered in every single cliché way. There is nothing I can say to describe the feeling - nothing that hasn't already been said. I am a mom - Milo's mom - and I am at peace about that. It wasn't a swoosh, it wasn't an expansion of the heart, a chain connecting to a new anchor, or anything like that. It was the knowledge that I've held this baby boy before. In another life, another time, another place. I had known him for a lot longer than the 20 hours he'd been on this earth. It was the sweetest reunion I've yet experienced and it's one of my most favorite memories to date.