2016 in Review

I know 2016 has been a total bust for most everyone and yeah, there have been some really upsetting parts, but oddly this has been one of my best years ever. 2015 was my personal dumpster fire so there was no where for me to go but up!

2016 was the first year I actually nailed more than one New Year's Resolution. I attribute a lot of this to reading Better Than Before - Gretchen Rubin, which helped me identify smarter ways I personally can achieve success in making habits. I also made a conscious effort to make goals of varying degrees; some were big, some were small. Completing the small goals helped motivate me to keep going on the bigger ones.

Goals Completed:

• Wear bright lipstick - I now unconsciously grab a bright lipstick to wear nearly 3 times a week. It was a small goal, but it forced me to be brave
• Get a black leather jacket - Black Saturday (best time for shopping!) I scored the jacket of my dreams after trying on nearly 30 different kinds
• Get ready everyday - Being a stay at home mom means it's really easy for me to stay in yoga pants all the time. I've noticed that I don't really ever feel ready to tackle the day when I'm in pj's, so this was an important goal for me. I defined getting ready as "no pj's, makeup, something done with my hair" and that worked great.
• Cook more often at home - My specific goal was to only eat out once a week, and have leftovers for lunches and one dinner, meaning I'd only need to cook 5x a week. I didn't hit this every month, but we have saved over $2000 in eating out expenses so that's a big a win for me. Plus, dare I say I even enjoy it now that I'm more in the habit??? I think I've really nailed down how to cook if you're Type-A and it's been awesome.
• Read something gospel related everyday - I'm probably most proud of this goal as it's one I truly did. Somedays it was a scripture verse, other days it was 3 conference talks. Either way it's been a huge blessing
• Attend the temple twice a month - We owe Nicole a massive thank you for helping us achieve this goal. We didn't meet it in August with my being sick from the pregnancy, or this month (December is so busy!) but we've gone more regularly this year than any previous year and that's a huge accomplishment.
• Read 3 books a month - Since I'm counting re-reads in this I can say I nailed this one. It's helped rekindle my love of reading and keep my mind occupied with more substance than social media usually offers me
• Explore Utah - Once the summer months hit and Kyle became very busy with work, and I dealt with first trimester grossness, we tapered off on this goal a bit, but overall we hit nearly 70% of the places I had planned for us!
• Start a garden - I really let it go once the first trimester hit, and we had a few learning curves to hurdle over, so this wasn't as successful as I wanted, but we still managed to get a few things to grow and ate a number of delicious salads from it
• Get pregnant - .....Check
• Visit all the parks in the Provo/Orem area - I got about halfway through them, which was about 30. Again, first trimester sickness stuff threw a monkey wrench in the plans, but half if better than none!
• Outings with friends twice a month - I didn't hit this one perfectly; I get extremely nervous in new social situations so I really have to force myself to go. I did attend the Harry Potter Book Club events more frequently, and Liz, Jill, and I have a standing lunch date once a month that I've really enjoyed. Again, proud of what I did, but there's room for improvement.
• Try new things - Probably my vaguest goal, but the overall idea for me was to lean into the discomfort of the newness. I tried aerial yoga (ouch) and went to a wreath making class, we did archery, I practiced a lot of new cooking methods (I made lobster!!), got over the hurdle of trekking two kids to places (it's so much easier to stay home!), went river rafting, got through 6 weeks of BBG before the miscarriage and morning sickness hit, and really nailed down my personal style.
• Blog more frequently - check!
• Notice the "aha" moments with my kids - When pregnant with Livvy and dealing with the post-partum/pregnancy depression, my therapist told me that one way I could keep myself from feeling like I was drowning in motherhood duties was to identify at least one "aha" moment with my kids. Any moment that I could think, "this part makes me happy", write it down and reflect on it like a talisman throughout the hard times. I haven't needed to do this for my own sanity so much this year (thankfully!!) but continuing the practice has helped me foster and recognize the gratitude I have for my kids.

Goals to continue:

• Learn Spanish - I got to be about 40% fluent (or so Duolingo tells me) before I trailed off on practicing. My proudest moment was being able to read the entire short story on the back of the Chipotle bag! Definitely one to keep at.
• Church attendance - Understanding that we had a new baby at the beginning of the year, making it all 3 hours of church has been a STRUGGLE this year. I'm trying to pinpoint ways that I can make this easier on us all
• Learn how to do webpage design - Didn't even attempt that one tbh
• Food storage - We didn't do too much with this, but now that I'm cooking more often I do feel more prepared and able to use the food we have in storage. So, half a win?
• Save money - We didn't do as well as we'd hoped to do for various reasons, and I think nearly everyone wants to do better saving money than they currently are. The good news is that we already have some really concrete goals and plans of actions in place for next year, so I'm looking forward to our progress
• Fitness - Kyle rocked this goal; he's been attending the gym at least 3 times a week since the middle of summer and has made some good gainz. Jessica has, uh, not done so well since getting pregnant so that's the next goal to work on.
• FHE - We've been working on this goal more so the last few months now that Milo is a bit older and can participate. We really had to throw out our own experiences with this so we can better tailor it for our family's current needs and that's been helpful. Doing a simple FHE consistently (ours takes 10 minutes tops) is better than doing nothing since we can't do an extravagant one without massive tantrums!
• Purge Closet - I think I've flushed out my personal style this year quite a bit which is great, but that does mean my closet has kinda taken a beating as a result of trial and error. So goal, not accomplished. However I'm already a bit ahead of January's purge; I started a separate IG account to sell some clothes (@jessicatuftscloset) and I've got a plan of action to tackle other untidy parts of the house.

As pleasing as it's been to complete a lot of goals, the best part has been that I genuinely feel proud of what I've accomplished. My biggest hurdle and blessing in life is my perfectionist nature. In 2016 I made huge strides in learning to not sweat the small mistakes I made - not letting perfect be the enemy of the good - and it's been wonderfully freeing. Even in the areas I didn't do as well as I'd wanted, I still feel proud of myself for what I accomplished and that feeling is more valuable to me than anything I completed.

In January I identified my word of the year as "Become" and I feel like I finally hit a point in my life where I gave myself the freedom to grow in nice ways. It's not that all the lessons I learned this year were easy, some were the hardest I've gone through yet, but my reaction to growth has changed a lot this year and it makes me happy to see what that has allowed me to become.

Here's to looking at 2017 and hoping it can be at least half as good as 2016 was for me. And maybe it'll cool it with all the celebrity deaths! ;)

Christmas 2016

I had a total blast this Christmas season! I decorated for it the Saturday after Thanksgiving and didn't listen or watch anything that wasn't Christmas related from that point on. Luckily my kids are young enough to not care about that so much ;)

This year we didn't travel nearly at all for the holidays which was fabulous. Last year we were running around everywhere with a 16 and 2 month old, in the cold, and the snow. Wasn't a total picnic, so not traveling was a welcome change.

On the 18th we hosted our "casual Christmas" with the Fife's and Romney's, played games, exchanged gifts, and ate wayyyy too much food. Chris made a BOMB video to commemorate the event. For the actual holiday we went to Kyle's parents for Christmas and all of his siblings were there for the first time in a LONG time. Waking up to a white Christmas a magical!

We had a great time playing games, visiting and just enjoying the spirit of Christmas. Participating in the #LIGHTtheWORLD challenge was a welcome addition for me this month and I truly feel like it gave me a moment each day to pause and reflect on the miracle of Christ's birth.

5 Marriage Lessons

It's been 5 years since Kyle and I got married. Half a decade. 5 Christmases. I'm a little in shock by how fast it's gone by. Some days it feels like we're still newlyweds and other days it feels like this is all we've known. 5 years teaches you a lot, and while I'm by no means a marriage expert, I have learned a LOT since day one:

1. Marriage can complete you. I was told that before I got married I should be "whole/complete" without a boy first. I understand the sentiment; I don't think you should be relying on a relationship to complete you or to make yourself feel worthy. However, I truly am not whole without Kyle. Marriage is the biggest team sport on the planet; playing the game of life without Kyle is like playing volleyball without a setter. It's possible but extremely difficult. I'd often feel annoyed by the fact that I really, truly miss Kyle when he's gone. It made me feel dependent and unfeminist even though I was still completely functional without him. It wasn't until I realized that these were valid feelings that I was able to stop being annoyed with them, on top of being lonely. I am justified in missing my spouse when he's gone or busy. He's the biggest part of my life and I don't need to be embarrassed by that.
2. Marriage is a language. There simply are lessons that you learn being married that you cannot learn in any other situation. There's really no other way to say that. Just like there are phrases in Spanish or Italian that don't translate well in English, there are situations and problems that come up in a marriage that non-married people don't have a frame of reference for, and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think any less of people for not knowing a foreign language and/or for not knowing the language of marriage. I just know they probably won't "get it" in the same way. The cool thing is that while marriage is a language, you and your spouse get to create your own dialect. Some marriage experiences are universal, but many experiences are extremely unique to your and your spouse.
3. It is not about both of you giving the relationship 100% every time. Again, I totally get the idea; you should try your best to BE your best all the time. I just don't think percentages are really the best way to convey this idea. There are days, weeks, and even months where my absolute best is maybe 10% of my normal. There are times when I have to pick up Kyle's slack. Thinking about effort in terms of percentages clouds the fact that the spouse is genuinely trying. The idea of percentages can just give a reason to accumulate ammo to use in a fight; "I've been giving it my best effort but you haven't!". Percentages invites comparisons and competition. Happy marriages are built on communication, trust, and absolute charity. It's about simply saying, "I see that you're trying and that means the world to me", even if the result isn't perfect or what you wanted.
4. You can go to bed angry. I am much more rational when I've been given space and time to think over the issue at hand. Sometimes this does mean going to bed on less than ideal terms. The first year or two of marriage I would force myself to stay up and "fight" so we could go to bed all happy at the same time, but I just kept getting more tired and more angry. My real point in this lesson is that you'll need to throw out all of the things you think you know about marriage and truly discuss what you and your spouse want and what works for you. For some, going to bed angry exacerbates the problem. Some people don't need to be kissed every time they come home from work. Some people don't need date night as often as others. It's all ok. There is not a golden couple out there who follows every "rule". The golden couples have spent long hours figuring out what truly works for them as a couple and as individuals.
5. You can't hide. This was probably the most eye-opening and uncomfortable lesson for me. I just didn't realize exactly how intimate marriage was, because I didn't speak the language beforehand. Frankly, pre-marriage me only thought of intimacy in terms of sex, so I had a lot to learn! Being married means that you can't hide when you're upset with your spouse. They'll figure it out sooner or later and a discussion is inevitable. Being married means you can't hide the fact that you spend money when you're bored. Being married means you can't hide that you're incredibly insecure about your weight, the way your nose looks, the color of your hair, the car that you drive, or the state of your house. Being married means that all of the things that annoy you about yourself will be exposed. Being married means that you will be forced to be more vulnerable than you ever thought you needed or could be. And that's all extremely valuable. Marriage is the most important relationship in which you need to learn how to be vulnerable. Without that willingness to pull down your walls, growing together as a couple for the better is very difficult. To build a relationship that is implicitly trusting requires being implicitly vulnerable. There is nothing more freeing than knowing that despite Kyle's awareness of the depth and breadth of my weaknesses, he still loves and chooses me every day.

I love, love being married. More importantly, I love being married to Kyle. It's a decision that I genuinely feel grateful for every single day. Being married has changed me in ways that I'm barely able to describe, but I know it's for the better. 10/10, would recommend.

Happy Anniversary, hun. I get more excited about eternity with you every passing year.