5 Marriage Lessons

It's been 5 years since Kyle and I got married. Half a decade. 5 Christmases. I'm a little in shock by how fast it's gone by. Some days it feels like we're still newlyweds and other days it feels like this is all we've known. 5 years teaches you a lot, and while I'm by no means a marriage expert, I have learned a LOT since day one:

1. Marriage can complete you. I was told that before I got married I should be "whole/complete" without a boy first. I understand the sentiment; I don't think you should be relying on a relationship to complete you or to make yourself feel worthy. However, I truly am not whole without Kyle. Marriage is the biggest team sport on the planet; playing the game of life without Kyle is like playing volleyball without a setter. It's possible but extremely difficult. I'd often feel annoyed by the fact that I really, truly miss Kyle when he's gone. It made me feel dependent and unfeminist even though I was still completely functional without him. It wasn't until I realized that these were valid feelings that I was able to stop being annoyed with them, on top of being lonely. I am justified in missing my spouse when he's gone or busy. He's the biggest part of my life and I don't need to be embarrassed by that.
2. Marriage is a language. There simply are lessons that you learn being married that you cannot learn in any other situation. There's really no other way to say that. Just like there are phrases in Spanish or Italian that don't translate well in English, there are situations and problems that come up in a marriage that non-married people don't have a frame of reference for, and there's nothing wrong with that. I don't think any less of people for not knowing a foreign language and/or for not knowing the language of marriage. I just know they probably won't "get it" in the same way. The cool thing is that while marriage is a language, you and your spouse get to create your own dialect. Some marriage experiences are universal, but many experiences are extremely unique to your and your spouse.
3. It is not about both of you giving the relationship 100% every time. Again, I totally get the idea; you should try your best to BE your best all the time. I just don't think percentages are really the best way to convey this idea. There are days, weeks, and even months where my absolute best is maybe 10% of my normal. There are times when I have to pick up Kyle's slack. Thinking about effort in terms of percentages clouds the fact that the spouse is genuinely trying. The idea of percentages can just give a reason to accumulate ammo to use in a fight; "I've been giving it my best effort but you haven't!". Percentages invites comparisons and competition. Happy marriages are built on communication, trust, and absolute charity. It's about simply saying, "I see that you're trying and that means the world to me", even if the result isn't perfect or what you wanted.
4. You can go to bed angry. I am much more rational when I've been given space and time to think over the issue at hand. Sometimes this does mean going to bed on less than ideal terms. The first year or two of marriage I would force myself to stay up and "fight" so we could go to bed all happy at the same time, but I just kept getting more tired and more angry. My real point in this lesson is that you'll need to throw out all of the things you think you know about marriage and truly discuss what you and your spouse want and what works for you. For some, going to bed angry exacerbates the problem. Some people don't need to be kissed every time they come home from work. Some people don't need date night as often as others. It's all ok. There is not a golden couple out there who follows every "rule". The golden couples have spent long hours figuring out what truly works for them as a couple and as individuals.
5. You can't hide. This was probably the most eye-opening and uncomfortable lesson for me. I just didn't realize exactly how intimate marriage was, because I didn't speak the language beforehand. Frankly, pre-marriage me only thought of intimacy in terms of sex, so I had a lot to learn! Being married means that you can't hide when you're upset with your spouse. They'll figure it out sooner or later and a discussion is inevitable. Being married means you can't hide the fact that you spend money when you're bored. Being married means you can't hide that you're incredibly insecure about your weight, the way your nose looks, the color of your hair, the car that you drive, or the state of your house. Being married means that all of the things that annoy you about yourself will be exposed. Being married means that you will be forced to be more vulnerable than you ever thought you needed or could be. And that's all extremely valuable. Marriage is the most important relationship in which you need to learn how to be vulnerable. Without that willingness to pull down your walls, growing together as a couple for the better is very difficult. To build a relationship that is implicitly trusting requires being implicitly vulnerable. There is nothing more freeing than knowing that despite Kyle's awareness of the depth and breadth of my weaknesses, he still loves and chooses me every day.

I love, love being married. More importantly, I love being married to Kyle. It's a decision that I genuinely feel grateful for every single day. Being married has changed me in ways that I'm barely able to describe, but I know it's for the better. 10/10, would recommend.

Happy Anniversary, hun. I get more excited about eternity with you every passing year.