Alice Kay Tuft

I've struggled a bit putting Alice's birth into words. It did not go the way I had ideally mapped out and I've had a bit of a hard time coming to terms with that. Her delivery was very, very hard and one of the most spiritual and emotional experiences I've had in my life; it's a bit tricky finding words to describe the whole thing without making things sound too trivial or too personal. I even debated for a bit on whether or not I would write it down, but I know how helpful it is for me as I process the whole experience. Alice's labor was really just raw. I was drained in every aspect after she came but I have a renewed and deepened respect for the entire process, for which I'm grateful.

36 weeks came along and I started having more and more symptoms of preeclampsia. At my prenatal appointment for the week I brought up the symptoms and my midwives decided to have me tested for preeclampsia. I'm always a pretty tricky case with this because of my extremely low blood pressure, the most common symptom. The highest it's ever been is 120/80, and that was just this last week. Saturday afternoon I got a call from my midwife saying my urine test came back with pretty high levels of protein and that we'd need to have this baby asap. Preeclampsia is just not something you mess around with because you can go from being ok, to having seizures really quickly. They put me on bedrest for the weekend with instructions to start taking primrose oil immediately and a cotton bark tincture starting Monday night.

This entire pregnancy I was working to have the patience to go into labor by myself. In hindsight, I think I may have pushed myself too hard, too soon with Livvy's birth and it may have been a harder labor as a result. After Livvy's birth, I'd sworn to myself to just be patient the next time so I'd have the peace of mind of knowing my body and baby were truly ready. It was a big pill to swallow for me to realize that I didn't have that luxury this time, even though of course we wanted to make sure both Alice and I were safe. I went back and forth between being disappointed in my body and being grateful for the resources available to us to catch the issue early on. It honestly took me the entire weekend to come to terms with the situation and reframe my mentality.

Legally, I couldn't have a baby at a birth center until I hit full-term (37 weeks) which was Tuesday, March 21st. We were extremely grateful that I was able to wait until then as we still really wanted to deliver at the birth center and to labor without medication. We got ourselves scheduled to come in at 9am for the first round of induction methods and to establish a plan of action to get labor going.

Tuesday morning rolled in and Kyle and I went to the birth center. At the first check I was dilated to a 3 and 25% effaced. We decided to do a membrane strip as that had been really effective with Milo and fairly effective with Livvy. I had two strips done that morning and then we went home to see if contractions would start, with a follow-up appointment scheduled for 1:30. I was pretty crampy for an hour, but things really died down after that. I tried bouncing on my yoga ball, walking around, and going up and down stairs, without much effect. It looked like we'd definitely need another round of induction methods to get things going.

At the 1:30 appointment I was dilated to a 4, and still 25% effaced. We did another two membrane strips and I stretched to a 5 during that. With inductions, especially if you're not planning on using meds, there's a difficult balance between wanting to get things going quickly and making sure mom doesn't get too tired before it's time to labor. Since we were on the race against exhaustion, we also decided to start taking castor oil in hopes of speeding things up. A normal dosage of castor oil is 6 ounces, and we broke it up into 3 doses of 2 ounces, every 2 hours. I took my first dose at 2:30 and yes, it's as gross as everyone says. Castor oil has the viscosity of snot without much taste. Luckily my midwife had a diet coke ready for me to chase it down with ;)

We came home again and settled in keep the contractions going. My midwives said my body would need to catch up to the stretching they did so I might not have true contractions for a while yet. The first dose of castor oil tore through my system with a vengeance. It is an extremely strong laxative that agitates the digestive tract, fooling the uterus into going into labor. Things were definitely more crampy and uncomfortable, so I decided to lay down after my second dose of castor oil at 4:30pm in hopes of getting a nap in, just in case things starting progressing really fast. Around 5pm I noticed a change in the cramps and started timing them. They were getting more consistent and more intense -  about 5 minute apart, lasting 45 seconds; apparently the castor oil was effective. We were scheduled to call our midwives at 6:30 to check in and see how things were going. If nothing had progressed we would call it quits for the night so I could sleep and then we'd pick things up again in the morning.

The contractions stayed at that same frequency and very slowly got more intense. We called our midwives and they said to definitely take the last dose of castor oil and to call if things changed. I legit cried when they said that; the castor oil was so, so hard on my system. Conveniently, BYU had a volleyball game that night at 7 so we turned that on and I laid on the couch as things got more and more intense. I got to the point where I needed to moan through the contractions in order to get through them. I really, really wanted to hit transition before going to the birth center, but our midwife had let us know that she was about 40 minutes from the birth center, so it'd be better if we alerted her sooner rather than later. About 8 o'clock hit and I realized that if I didn't go soon, it'd be even harder to walk out of the house, so we called our midwife and got things ready to go. While Kyle, my mom, and Nicole got all of the gear packed, I laid on the couch watching the game, so shoutout to BYU for helping me pass the time!

We arrived at the birth center at 8:45 and I got checked to see where things were. I had dilated to a 6, but was now 75% effaced. I can't lie - I was pretty disappointed I wasn't further along. The midwives suggested that I try a few things to keep the contractions going. Kyle and I walked up and down the stairs, tried some spinning babies techniques, and then some abdominal lifts during contractions.

After a few hours of that, I started to get really, really tired. It'd been over 12 hours since our first round of induction, and I was very concerned I wasn't going to have the energy to keep going. I told my midwives I felt like I needed to rest if I was going to have a prayer of pushing out a baby still. They left Kyle and I alone (apart from checking on the baby's heart rate every 30 minutes) and I laid down on the bed to try and catch my breath. The contractions were very consistent and painful. There was a point soon after everyone left where I just broke down and cried. I was so frustrated that I needed to be induced and I knew this whole process was made harder because of the induction. Dealing with both the castor oil wreaking havoc on my system on top of the contractions was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I swung back and forth from nearly throwing up, to having to use the bathroom every 10 minutes, and both sensations intensified the contractions. It was at this point that I asked Kyle for a blessing. I was bone weary and at the utter end of my physical ability. We had the sweetest, most peaceful assurance come over us after the blessing, and I had the sense that somehow I would be able to do this.

For the next couple hours I laid on the bed, dealing with contractions coming in every 3 minutes, lasting over a minute. I kept munching on apples and drinking Propel to keep my energy levels up. Kyle held my hands and helped with my breathing through every single one of them. I'd start breathing heavy and he'd drop his food to hold my hand and coach me through it, even if that meant running back from the kitchen or out of the bathroom. My midwives nicknamed him Daddy Doula as he intuitively suggested exactly what they were about to suggest. The miracle of all of this is that I was able to actually sleep between each contraction. I still have no idea how I managed that. Eventually my midwives came in and asked if they could check me so we could determine if I needed to change positions to keep things progressing.

They checked me and I was dilated to a 9 and totally effaced! I was so happy I could've cried. I'd managed to rest AND my contractions had been effective! They asked if I wanted to do anything different, and I didn't. If it ain't broke, why fix it, ya know? Over the next 10-20 minutes, I started noticing some good pressure in my lower back. Then I started shaking pretty badly. I couldn't figure out what was going on. When my midwives came into check the baby's heart rate I asked why I was shaking so badly and what all the pressure in my back was about, they said I was probably in transition and probably feeling a little pushy. They checked the baby's station, and she was at a +1 (+4 is crowning). After hearing that, I geared up all my strength and decided it was time to push.

I asked to use the birthing stool, knowing that position would utilize gravity to help me push. The midwives set it up and Kyle led me to it. I sat on the stool and had Kyle kneel in front of me so he could keep helping me breathe through the contractions. At this point the contractions had lengthened, but they were so, so intense. I knew I was on the Baby Train. Mom came around my back and pressed her hands against my tailbone through each contraction. During the first 3 contractions on the stool, I simply let them wave over me and just breathed through them. Then Kyle reminded me that I needed to bear down during them. I had a moment where I thought, "Bear down? What..... is..... bearing down?". My brain immediately sifted through all the movements that would be the least painful for me, and then the distant muscle memory came to mind. I remembered what I needed to do.

Those last pushes before the baby comes are just indescribable. I doubt I'll ever have words for them. It's as powerful as the force behind moving mountains and utterly overwhelming that a human body, my body, houses that force. On the second push, someone said, "stop!" so I relaxed my muscles. Alice's umbilical cord was around her neck so they lifted it over. On the third push, at 2:16 AM, Kyle guided her out, and milliseconds later she was finally in my arms.

The next 20 minutes are a blur of hormones and bliss. I vaguely remember moving back to the bed. I know I laughed and cried. I will never forget looking at Alice's face for the first time. She knew me, and we had done it! It really felt like she had worked with my body throughout the whole process. Alice latched on to nurse immediately and perfectly, resting so calmly in my arms; it felt as if she recognized that she was exactly where she needed to be.

After an hour of examining her and coming down off the labor high, the midwives came into check all of our vitals. I had avoided tearing (yay!!); Alice weighed 7lbs, 7 oz, and was 19.5 inches long.

It seems trite to say, but I absolutely could not have labored without Kyle. There were times where I felt like I literally pulled strength from him when my body just didn't have anything left to give. This labor gave us a chance to truly work together in a way I didn't know was possible and once again solidified in my mind how much of a team we are.

Alice girl, we love you so much. Now that you're here, I would absolutely go through it all again knowing you're the reward waiting for our family. Thank you for joining us.

*** Big shoutout to Liz for taking all these pictures. I will treasure them forever. Also, big thanks to my mom and Nicole for their support and help during the whole thing. And a huge thank you to Kyle's parents for watching Milo and Livvy for us! It was a big relief to know they were in the best of hands.