The Brutal Truth

I've not been ok. I'm now much better than where I was, but this spring has been really rough.

February 20th we found out I was expecting Baby Tuft #2. Milo and this little girl will be 15 months apart and while she was technically planned (there - now ya'll can stop wondering) it was still quite a shock. I'd been banking on my normal "late to the game" body and nursing to make getting pregnant difficult, but CLEARLY THAT WASN'T THE CASE. When the two lines on the test are a surprise you don't know what to feel and it really threw me in a tailspin. Two kids under 18 months. How were we going to do this?! I'd just figured out a good pattern so I could manage working from home, mothering, and somewhat maintaining the house. Dinners were still a far-off dream but I was working on it at least. "Normal life" was on the horizon and I was excited for that.

I waited for the shock to wear off, and it did, but then I just sank and sank hard. Call it first trimester hormones if you will, but I battled with crippling feelings of being overwhelmed. I was now gonna be "THAT GIRL". The typical Mormon girl, of the "married quick, settled down, and whipped out kids" variety. I quickly started to resent that positive test, which made me feel horrible because aren't you supposed to just feel pure joy? How dare I not be happy for this new life, especially when I know so many women who would've gladly been in my shoes.

I thought I hit rock bottom about three weeks after that positive test. Milo was on his second blowout of the day and was crabbier than normal. I turned on Elmo's World, went into my room and just cried. I was so tired. Tired of the same thing all the time. Tired of feeling nauseous (thank you pregnancy), tired of not knowing how to be this new me in this new role. Tired of trying to "make time for myself" because that now had become something on the ever-growing to-do list. Tired of being solely responsible for Milo's well being. Oh, and no where near ready have another baby. I sobbed for a solid hour. I felt like I just could not keep going.

The following hour was spent in total guilt for my feelings. I shouldn't feel like this. My baby is really good for the most part, I'm not recovering from a hard birth, I get to sleep at night, I have the blessing of being pregnant, PLUS, we knew the timing of having this baby was undeniably right. I thought, "maybe I wouldn't feel like this if I could just make time for all those Sunday School answers (read scriptures, pray, temple attendance, make it through all three hours of church etc.)" which only succeeded in exacerbating my guilt.

The thing is.... motherhood is a very different type of thing once you're in it. Milo isn't a hard kid, but there can be a monotony in it all. Milo up, diaper change, feed him, play time, nap time, diaper change, feed, play, nap, diaper, feed, play, dinner, bath, diaper, bedtime. Over and over. Day in, day out. And yeah, I work in that routine, and try to have some me-time, but that's the reality of things. There is far less spontaneity than there used to be and usually I'm ok with that, but I think things caught up with me at that point. Instead of being ok, I got angry. Motherhood was promised to be this wonderful time where you got to learn how to be the most Christlike you'll ever be. It's supposed to be the "highest, holiest, and noblest" of callings, but it sure doesn't feel all the noble when your kid spits up yogurt all over you, or when you're changing the 5th poopy diaper of the day. I didn't go into this was the idea that it'd be all butterflies and roses, but I didn't expect the monotony to be so hard. In some ways I felt gipped? That's the only way I can describe it. I wasn't the mom who couldn't wait for her baby to wake up from his nap to play with him, I didn't cry leaving him with a babysitter, nor did I constantly think of him when I was away. How were all these other new moms feeling like that? Were they all in on some sort of "make Jessica feel bad" conspiracy? Or did they really, genuinely feel like that, and if so, HOW DO I GET SOME OF THAT?!

Another rock bottom moment for me was after General Conference actually. It felt like every talk either focused on families or mentioned families. General Authorities were telling me that having a family was the most important thing you could do and that they'll bring the greatest joy to your life and all I could think was "lies!" But of course, I knew they were right. And if I knew they were right, then something was wrong with me; I was the heathen that needed to change and I had no idea how. I felt like we'd done everything we could to make sure we were doing the right things in our life, including having kids when we did. Where was the "reward after your faith" part? When did the blessings come? And why on earth did I feel like I was backsliding spiritually when everything leading up to this time had been so right?

I confided everything to Kyle that night and he suggested that maybe I go in for a depression screening. Our first prenatal was coming up so at that appointment I told my midwives what was going on and they gave me their standard screening form. Sure enough, my answers put my on the higher end of the depression scale and they suggested seeing a therapist. I wasn't altogether surprised honestly. I knew I wasn't handling things well or as I normally did, but I didn't have any of the other normal markers of depression. I'd never thought of hurting myself or Milo; I wanted him happy, healthy, and fed but I just didn't want to be the only one responsible for all of that. While I wasn't surprised, I still couldn't help but feel disappointed in myself. Milo was 7 months old - how could I be dealing with postpartum depression now, especially when I'd taken big strides to make sure I avoided it?

I started meeting with Lura, my counselor, once a week the day after that prenatal appointment. This has been an immense help for me, so much so that I feel back to my normal self again. Lura helped me realize that almost her entire clientele base was made up of women in nearly my same situation; I was far from alone in dealing with these feelings. She helped me realize that we are angriest at the people that we feel the safest towards because we know there's far less risk of "burning those bridges"; that my anger towards God in all of this, while not necessarily just, was ok. That it meant on some level I trusted Him enough that He was a safe place for me to be angry with Him. This was a huge turning point for me as I was able to let go of not only the guilt that I'd had for this feeling, but also able to really scrutinize where this anger was coming from.

Another turning point was during Women's Conference. I was initially worried that I'd leave just feeling more like I wasn't good enough which I wasn't exactly looking forward too. Sister Oscarson spoke the first night about the importance of covenants in our lives. It was very doctrinally intense but I had a huge "aha moment". Sis. Oscarson said that we keep our covenants by keeping His commandments, we keep His commandments because we love Him, and we can grow our love for Him by serving others. I don't know why it dawned on me here but I realized that my daily, monotonous routine of taking care of Milo was actually me serving God because I know that God looks at any service to one of His children as service to Him. In short, my "day in, day out, over and over, monotony" was filled with service to Him, and that it was helping me keep my covenants. So while I may not have time or energy to do the Sunday School answers as well as I'd like, or as often as I'd like, I'm ok. I'm enough, and I'm doing enough at this stage in my life.

I shared a bit of this a few Sundays ago in my testimony and I was shocked, so shocked, at the number of women who thanked me for what I said or privately, anonymously confided their own struggles with postpartum depression. I think these feelings are something that all moms deal with on one level or another. It's hard not to compare our efforts with those of other women but I think what's hardest of all is thinking that somehow our kids are suffering because of our lack. It's exceptionally difficult sometimes to realize that where we are, what we are doing, and how we're doing it is enough. Yes, we can probably always be doing better but that doesn't mean that what we're currently doing isn't good enough. Maybe if we just hear it enough then one day we'll believe it.

You're probably all thinking, "Whoa, Jess. Way to bear your soul on the Internet!" and yeah, that's a pretty accurate reaction. Just thinking about writing this all out was really stressful. And I hope this doesn't come across as "woe is me!" because I really am doing immensely better. I guess I just wanted to be able to say to someone, even just one person going through something like this, that I get it, I'm there, and that it really, truly, gets better.

20 Things I didn't know about Pregnancy, Labor, & Breast Feeding

Round two has been very different than round one. I'm much less paranoid about many things and everything is going so much faster. I completely forgot about our gender check ultrasound until I got the email reminder for it the night before. With Milo I was counting down the days the second I found out I was pregnant...

My interest in all things birth related hasn't been different though; I just find it all so interesting! Below is a list of things I've learned through the hundreds (ok.... maybe tens) of books that I've read about pregnancy, labor, and breast feeding. Some I learned through experience first then further study, others I just read about and filed in the "that's fascinating" file ;)

1. Once pregnant the immune system shuts off so the white blood cells don't attack the growing baby. This means that not only will you have the first trimester symptoms, but you'll likely catch a cold, flu, and/or anything else that's going around.
2. Some women run warmer than normal once pregnant (98.9-99.5). It'll feel like you're running a fever and make for some sleepless nights as your body adjusts to its new temperature.
3. Some women don't know they're pregnant until they're done with the first trimester, and it's ok to hate those women.
4. Babies are coated in a waxy, white skin called vernix. It starts disintegrating around 38 weeks so some babies are born with a lot, some aren't. When a baby is hungry, they'll start rubbing their mouth with their hands. They're getting used to the taste and smell of the vernix because it tastes exactly the same as the mother's breast milk. It's natures perfect helping tool to get the baby ready to eat! (Some studies indicate that delaying the first bath will help the baby quickly learn to breastfeed as it delays washing off all the vernix.)
5. If you're experiencing heartburn, your baby may be growing hair. The same hormone responsible for hair growth also loosens the sphincters in your esophagus, which creates heartburn.
6. There are two types of contractions. One to "widen", and one to "push out". They feel very different and you have no control of either of them.
7. A chiropractor visit 6 weeks postpartum can help cure long-term back problems. There's just enough relaxin in the body to make for a really great adjustment, but it is leaving the body so the bones will "set" in place. Relaxin is the hormone responsible for loosening up joints to get the body ready for labor.
8. A chiropractor visit can also help turn a stubborn baby into the correct position!
9. Pregnant women are more susceptible to UTI's. Load up on Cranactin or D-Manoose to help prevent it.
10. Nitrazine strips can be used to test if the mom is leaking amniotic fluid, but they can be falsely positive if there is any presence of urine, semen, or blood with the sample.
11. Skin to skin contact between baby and mom helps regulate the baby's body temperature. The mom's skin can warm AND cool a baby. Dad's skin just warms them up.
12. Tongue-tied babies have a very hard time latching, which is bad news for them and mom.
13. Flat nipples make it hard to breastfeed. You'll quickly learn if you have them or not, but there are many tools available to help with that.
14. Many lactation consultants suggest not getting a nursing bra with an underwire before having your baby. The underwire could clog a milk duct when your milk comes in, and you really won't know your true size until a few weeks after that, once everything becomes more regular.
15. A true milk deficiency is apparently very rare. The amount of milk changes with the needs of the baby. Babies will secrete a growth hormone in their saliva a few weeks before a growth spurt. When nursing, the saliva reacts with the glands around the nipple which triggers a response in the milk ducts to produce more milk in preparation for the baby's growth spurt.
16. Milk supply naturally drops when a mom starts her period back up after having her baby. They require the same hormone, so milk production will take a small dip, then work back up as your body gets used to having more of that hormone to support both functions.
17. Placentas normally attach posteriorally (towards your spine) rather than anteriorally (towards your belly button). Both attachments are usually fine but you'll likely feel less of the baby's movements if it's attached anteriorally as the placenta is thicker at it's attachment point; there's more substance for the baby to "punch through". (Kyle also suggests looking up pictures of afterbirth so you're not freaked out at all - it's not a pretty picture)
18. One sign of pre-eclampsia is high blood pressure. At prenatal appointments you'll always have your blood pressure checked, in part to watch for any increases. While your blood pressure levels may still fall within normal ranges, if they are becoming high for your body, then that may still be a concern.
19. Lying on your back while in labor decreases the circumference of your pelvic opening by up to 30%, making it harder to push a baby out. Imagine a circle held upright, then tilted - the area decreases when it's tiled.
20. Nursing releases a lot of oxytocin which helps contract the uterus back down to its normal size after birth. You may feel "crampy" when nursing as a result.

Baby Physics 101

1. The fullness of the diaper is directly proportional to the speed in which you need to get out of the door
2. Blowouts only happen when the baby is wearing white, has just had a bath, or is about to go to bed
3. The smaller the baby, the more of the bed they take up
4. The projectile distance of newborn spit-up is directly proportional to the soreness of your arms
5. A baby adds 3x the amount of dirty laundry to the household
6. The amount of Cheerios on the floor increases exponentially with the age of the baby
7. The number of times a baby pees on your bed sharply increases from midnight to 5am
8. The busier the day, the fussier the baby
9. The cost of the toy is indirectly proportional to the baby's interest in it
10. The cost of the clothes is directly proportional to the number of blowouts that will occur in it
11. The number of tantrums increases the hour before dad comes home (the same hour you're making dinner), then drops to 0 the second he walks in the door
12. The biggest smiles come when the mom is most frustrated &/or tired
13. The length of feeding the baby always increases as the time to leave the house decreases
14. The hour before bedtime is not 60 minutes long
15. The love for the baby grows exponentially every. single. day.

Shhhelfie

6 Months Old; 12 Months Tall

Well.

Milo's half a year old and I'm still freaking out. That was the fastest 6 months of my entire life. Previously, the fastest 6 months had been January - June 2010, the last 6 months of high school, but I was so looking forward to the end of that 6 months.

He's officially cleared the 20 lbs mark and shot up another inch (28 inches). I had to go get a few more pairs of 9-12 month size leggings this week since his 6-9 month pants had become Capris. We have a ton of jeans for him, but if he wears the size that gives him the length he needs, then the waist is too big and they just fall off. I'm not entirely unfamiliar with this problem since that defines my 5-15 year old life. #leggingsforlyfe.

He's rolling around all over place these days. It takes him .093 seconds to flip onto his stomach when I lay him down on the floor. He's figuring out how to rock back up on his knees, and he loves when I help him do wheelbarrows. Milo's figured out that his socks taste fantastic, that rice cereal tastes un-fantastic, and that avocados are his jam (or guacamole. hahaha... Sorry that was lame). He's sitting up much better these days and loves to be tossed in the air, even if my arms aren't a fan of that.

We've been battling separation anxiety over here the last two weeks; he always wants us to be in seeing distance. Milo is getting more curious about his outside world. The other day he stared at his blanket from great-grandma Rowley for a solid 10 minutes, just looking at the patterns on the fabric. He's beginning to reach out and grab objects too. He tried grabbing my tongue last week but soon became frustrated with that exercise. We just found out last night that he can hold his bottle now too, though I'm kaboshing that one since my only snuggle time with him is when I feed him. He's still sleeping through the night really well, but he's sleeping less during the day. We're still trying to figure out his nap patterns. It seems like he needs at least 4 hours of sleep in the day to be a happy baby. Otherwise we're all in trouble.

It's been great being a mom. Much less stressful and overwhelming and all-consuming than I thought, though yes, I still have those feelings occasionally, and that's ok too.

Happy Milo

Sit-up Milo

Separation Anxiety Milo

Sock-eating Milo

Laughing Milo

Somewhat-crawling Milo

Church Milo (insert heart-eye emoji here CUZ THAT GINGHAM TIE IS EVERYTHING)

Bottle-feeding Milo.
If you can't tell, he's looking at the bottle like "...the heck is this contraption?"

Now - in response to my good friend Danica's recent post - she tagged me to share 7 facts that ya'll may not know about me. Since I know my mom and mother-in-law are most likely the only ones reading, I'll have to be clever with these facts as they know me so well:

1. From a young age I mastered the art of "out of sight, out of mind". Yes, my room is spotless, but don't look under the bed!
2. I've taken hundreds of those "Are you an Introvert or an Extrovert" tests and each time I'm told something different. Apparently I'm 50/50 introvert and extrovert. Kyle's the same way. It can make things difficult when one of us is feeling particularly extroverted and the other is not. It can make things awesome when we're both feeling particularly extroverted or introverted.
3. I try very hard to not offend people - sometimes to a fault. Many times social media drives me nuts because it seems like people are more concerned with having an opinion rather than having any knowledge. I don't care if you've seen American Sniper or choose not to because of the rating. I don't care if you love doTerra or not, are Republican or Democratic, support net-neutrality or not, had a medicated or non-medicated birth.... just don't be rude about your opinion. AND STOP FIGHTING OVER FACEBOOK.
4. I have to gear myself up for hours to wear bright lipstick.
5. I tend to go to extremes. One day I'm 100% on board with being a super granola, yogi zen master who eats açaí berries and has dreads. The next day I'm set to be an extreme marathon runner who's up at 5 am everyday running 20 miles and actually cares about how fast my mile times are.
6. Gifs are the greatest thing to happen to the Internet since the Internet began.
7.  I do not understand or care to learn how to use Twitter. I had one for a few months but I got so confused and cared so little that I deleted it.

I'm supposed to tag 7 other bloggers to share 7 facts... but I honestly don't know 7 other regular bloggers; I am incredibly un-cool like that. Instead I'll tag my Aunt Nancy since she's awesome and I think her facts would be interesting :)

Happy Saturday folks!

A Solidly Random Post

I've started this post oh, possibly 18 times.

I have approximately about 194,872 things on my mind. Things I've wanted to share, things I've wanted to rant about, things I've wanted to discuss. Mostly, yes, about Milo cuz #momlife and all that. But first...

HOLIDAYS:

Thanksgiving we flew up to Washington to see my side of the family. Milo's first flight and he was a champ both ways!

Got his wings on the way there! And laughing on the way back (below). Like, really?

Also, no idea why it's flipped here... I'm not even gonna bother figuring that out.

It was the first time my aunts, uncles, and grandparents had seen Milo and he was spoiled so hard. We were up for about 10 days and it was wonderful to relax. I thought it was interesting once married how you suddenly became privy to details you normally wouldn't be... that magnifies a LOT once you become a parent! But I'm so grateful for the relationships that I have with my family.

Now here are some super high quality phone pictures!

Proof of being spoiled!!

Neither are sure what to make of the other...

My cousin Daniel with Milo

Milo and Ila (Daniel's youngest sister), born 2.5 weeks apart. Originally ok....

...then Milo got jealous of Ila's mad tummy skills

4 generations!

Got my haircut! Woot, woot!

Where I wound up finding my kid 99.9% of the time. He never falls asleep in my arms, so I don't know how this happened. Grandma powers, man.

He also slept like this and it was adorable

Grandma and Grandpa Rowley with Milo

Milo wasn't too sure at first about Grandpa

Milo's best Blue Steel attempt

Our 3rd anniversary came and went! We finally tried out Red Iguana up in Salt Lake and it was awesome. The mirachi band came out to perform and Kyle got a bit teary-eyed from the memories they brought. My heart is still a puddle on the ground there.
Christmas we stayed in Utah with the Tuft's. A white Christmas morning came (I WAS THE FIRST ONE UP AGAIN 6 AM WHERE YOU AT) and Santa had delivered his presents, but pirates had stolen them because there weren't any true-believers anymore!

After solving a riddle, we followed the map to four different secret locations. We had found two locations before we Skyped with Spencer (Kyle's brother in Honduras) and Nicole (my sister in Italy). Both are six months into their missions and are doing well :) We ate breakfast/lunch (if it's breakfast at 1pm, is it still breakfast??) then found the two other secret locations. It was a lot of fun and Milo slept through most of it. With most of the family in town we played games, hung out, and played volleyball at the church where I quickly realized that I am sorely out of shape and I SHOULD NOT BE JUMPING. Fortunately we didn't take any pictures of that.

Brian led our quest dressed as a Frosty/Rudolph hybrid ;)

Milo being 10,000% done with holiday cheer

Spencer!

Nicole!

New Year's Eve we had some friends over for games that night. It was a bit last minute, but it was still a lot of fun. Because we're now old, married, and have kids, we ended the party around 11. Kyle and I drank Martinelli's in our pj's and rang in the New Year debating the ethics of the recent Star Trek episode we'd watched. So yeah, it was basically like every other night.

My New Year's resolutions have mostly taken a backseat for 2015. To be perfectly honest... I don't really set resolutions. I have this horrible thing where I don't make goals if I think I'm not gonna reach them, so I save myself the horror of actually failing them. Last year I wanted to cook dinner every single day. Three days in we went to Slab, so obviously that was a good goal. This year I have decided to "just get it on the table". Regardless of how messy my kitchen is, how fancy the food is, how Martha Stewart/Pinteresty the table is, or even how healthy it is. Low expectations are something I can deal with ;) So far, so good. I gave myself 1-2 days off where I don't have to make dinner and that's been realistic for me.



Other things:

Milo will be 6 months old in a few weeks and I'm so stunned it almost hurts. At our last check-up our pediatrician mentioned that we could start introducing him to solids and I just looked him like he'd smacked the side of my head. At first I thought he was just pushing solids prematurely, so I looked up the most "pro-nursing" opinion I could find: even La Leche League agrees that solids can be introduced between 4-6 months. For some reason I'd resigned myself to exclusively nurse Milo until he was a year old? No idea where I got that one. Apparently I was being more granola than the Granolas. I was basically oats.

Mostly just interested in the spoon right now

Anyway. All that to begin the typical mom rant: THIS IS GOING TOO FAST PLEASE PLEASE SLOW DOWN.

When Milo was about 20 hours old, I finally had a chance to sit on our couch and just look at him. Really, really look at him. My heart hadn't gone all Grinch yet (grown 2 sizes, too big), and I was hypersensitive of any sign of post-partum depression, so I decided that if I just looked at him, then maybe I'd get that swelling, life-altering, heart-stopping swoosh of love for this baby. So I sat and I held him, and I looked. I examined every single crease of his old man forehead. The tiny flakes of newborn skin that were just starting to fall off, the nearly invisible strands of eyebrows. The peachfuzz. The veins on his head, the soft, soft fingernails, the closed lips - MY LIPS?! His monstrous palms. Every single detail. Everyone had said it goes so fast so I wanted to do my due diligence and try and appreciate the moments that I had, though at the time, I didn't really understand why. It sure wasn't going fast then. I was actually pretty freaking sore and more tired than I'd ever been. But I wanted some time to freeze-frame this one second of my tiny, tiny baby.

And did that love come? Holy sweet moly. Yes it did.

In that one hour of holding and looking at this baby boy, my life completely altered in every single cliché way. There is nothing I can say to describe the feeling - nothing that hasn't already been said. I am a mom - Milo's mom - and I am at peace about that. It wasn't a swoosh, it wasn't an expansion of the heart, a chain connecting to a new anchor, or anything like that. It was the knowledge that I've held this baby boy before. In another life, another time, another place. I had known him for a lot longer than the 20 hours he'd been on this earth. It was the sweetest reunion I've yet experienced and it's one of my most favorite memories to date.

Fall Pictures and Our 3 Month Old

This past weekend we finally had a chance to go up the canyon and check out the changing leaves. Fall in Utah has got to be the prettiest thing I've ever seen. And I'm from the prettiest state in the US, so I feel qualified to make that statement ;) 

Liz came home from her mission this week! For her birthday, her parents flew her down to Utah to surprise our other ex-roommate for her wedding. Carly was so shocked to see her and it was awesome.

Milo is almost three months old and it's freaking me out. He's officially out of all the 3 month old clothes, and into the 6-9 month outfits. He's a whopping 17 lbs, 26 inches; meaning he's doubled his weight and grown 5 inches in 3 months. I don't think I ever realized how intense of a growth spurt babies go through! Either that or Milo is just an anomaly. He's out of the size 1 diapers, which kinda sucks cuz I had anticipated he'd be wearing those for quite a lot longer (anyone want some packages of diapers?!)  Milo loves sucking on the back of his hand, but it still surprises him to find it at the end of his arm. He's starting to drool up a storm, which is kinda cute in a way that only babies can pull off. He falls asleep in seconds when he's in the car; we're trying to figure out if we need a new car seat since his feet are almost starting to hang out of it!

Milo laughed for the first time 3 weeks ago and it lit up my whole world. Since then he's laughed a few more times but I've missed them all. He's super smiley for like, 20 minutes a day. The rest of the time he just stares intensely at everything going on around him, or he's sleeping. And he's sleeping a lot right now. He started sleeping through the night fairly early on, about 8 hours a night, but within the last week it's been closer to 10 or 11. I'm assuming that means a growth spurt is coming on again and I have very mixed feelings about that.

We had been bathing him with a baby bath on top of our kitchen table (we don't have a bathtub), but last week he discovered splashing. Needless to say, we're now bathing him with the baby bathtub on the floor of our shower. He loves his bath. It's my "go-to" whenever he starts falling asleep a bit early in the evening. Today I propped Milo up in front of our floor mirror to see how he'd react. It was the funniest thing to watch the range of emotions play out on his face! He went from surprised to scared, to wary, to flirty, to smiley, and then completely uninterested. He recognizes me and his daddy as soon as we walk into the room and he loves to be held.

I think before I had Milo that I thought my world would be dramatically different once kids entered the picture, like going from black to white, but that's not been my experience. It's felt more like an expansion of life rather than a complete change. I still have my routines, the laundry still needs washing (even if there is a bit more), I still don't love to cook, we still watch Star Trek in the evening, I still have time to put on makeup if I want too, and we still like to be together. We just have a new buddy to take along with us :)

 That smirk. Like, really??