For Rachel

There are some days when certain, random memories refuse to stop banging their presence against my cranium. They beg to be turned over and remembered, if only for a few, fleeting seconds. One particular memory has been screaming the loudest, so I'm giving it a voice here.

This memory is not one of my favorite memories. It's not even particular pleasant. In fact, it's a little sad, and even shameful in retrospect.

When I was about eight-years-old we lived in a nice, developed cul de sac in a small Washington town. I loved it there. The formation of the neighborhood forced our backyard to be a triangle and I used to think that made us unique. Who else has a triangle for a backyard? I'd kick my soccer ball against the fence, driving our neighbors nuts. Often times that ball would fly over the fence and I'd have to climb the fence, jump over, and race to grab my ball again before they either caught me, or their dog caught me. It was a great neighborhood for an eight-year-old.

There was a white house, two down from mine, that belonged to the Wilson's. They seemed like a nice family, and lucky for me, they had a girl about my age. I knew the dad was gone most of the time, leaving the mom with her two sons and the younger girl at home. I don't remember how it happened, but this girl, Rachel, and I became good friends. We'd paint our fingernails with white-out while dancing to N'Sync, we figured out how to slalom ski behind her bike (she rode her bike, we tied a jump rope to it, and I held on as I roller-skated down our driveways), she'd tell me how much she hated her older brothers and how mean they were to her, and I'd tell her that she could take my annoying younger sisters. She introduced me to MTV, Britney Spears and this new guy, "M&M". I cut her bangs and put butterfly clips in her hair. It was a great, young friendship.

One day Rachel came over to play at my house, and I noticed that she looked a little different. I couldn't place my finger on it. Did she get a haircut? Was that a new shirt? New shoes? Ignoring this, I asked if she wanted to help me clean out my closet (I was am pretty OCD about clutter.) I started pulling out old shirts and asked if she wanted any. With her back towards me she started to try them on. She lifted her shirt, and I silently gasped; her entire back was covered in bruises. They were thick, purpley-yellow, green and black bruises. They were big and they were small, like... fingerprints.... But they didn't stop there. I saw that they continued across her ribs, down her arms, over her shoulders. There wasn't a spot on her visible body that wasn't covered with a bruise. Horrified, I kept looking, kept staring. What had happened to my friend? Was she sick? Had she fallen down the stairs? As my lips formed the questions, the words stopped in my throat. There weren't just bruises. The more I stared, the more I saw. Thin cut marks, little slices of the flesh mangled her back. Some were more recent than others; I could just make out old scars. At this realization, I was truly scared. I didn't know the questions to ask, and so, to my utter shame, I never did.

It clicked for me then why she had looked different; her eyes were dark. There was absolutely no spark of life.

Some times, in quiet moments this memory launches itself in my vision and I am right there again. Right there in my eight-year-old room, trying desperately to understand something that terrified me. I don't know what happened to Rachel; we lost contact after we moved across town (there wasn't such as thing as Facebook then!) but I never asked her about this. I don't think I really wanted to know. My young mind drew wild conclusions, none of which were rational. It took me a couple more years to start to piece together a logical explanation; logical, yet horrific.

So, to Rachel, I am so sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't be the friend you needed at that time. I hope you're doing well now. I've thought about looking you up, but yet, the eight-year-old in me is still terrified of knowing that my rose-colored childhood was not the same for all my friends. I still don't know if I really want to know, and I'm so, so sorry.

Valentine's Day Crazies

I'm conducting an observation on today to prove that Valentine's day is, in fact, crazy.

Technically, it started yesterday at Target:

• A mom: "Avery, what kind of candy do you want for your boyfriend?" (Avery is maybe 6 years old...) 
• Wife, muttering to herself, "which one does he like? sweet.... sour...?" 
• Little boy in the Vday section, "Mom, I CAN'T bring these to school... they're pink!!" 
• Husband who approached me looking for advice, "Mind if I ask what size you are? My wife's about your height and she's been looking for some pair of colored jeans..." 

And it has continued today:

• Witnessed a proposal outside the library. Complete with giant teddy bear and roses. 
• "A guy who buys that much stuff for his girl is compensating for something..." - dude on campus 
• Instagram has exploded with couples' pictures 
• Pinterest is full of heart-shaped everything 
• "Is he looking over here? REALLY? I'm telling you! It's this heart scarf! It has magical properties" - girl on campus 
• Starbucks has a buy one, get one free drink discount today 
• "Valentine's day at BYU is the weirdest thing. It's like, everyone has to be super cheesy because that's all they CAN do... if you know what I'm sayin' sayin'" - guy in Bookstore 
• SOMEHOW, today, of ALL DAYS, I left my ring at home on accident and I, very smoothly, got asked to grab a Jamba Juice. No one wants to be completely alone today. 
• Everyone has "The best_______." according to Facebook 
• "My son doesn't have the wherewithal to realize that the card he got from the neighbor girl is mass produced. He's running around the house telling us that, 'She thinks I'm the best!'"- Professor 
• A girl wearing a full, red velvet, Victorian style dress across campus 
• A guy frantically writing in a heart shaped card in the JFSB courtyard 
• Walking into Costco and 4 rose-arrangement laden men walking out 
• "My mom called and wished me a 'Happy Valentine'. Only she said it like it was a challenge. What am I supposed to tell her? 'So um... I actually have two Valentines tonight. Ben & Jerry'. I just don't think she'd appreciate that". - girl on campus 
• Running into a couple making out in the middle of a crowded hallway. Seriously? 
• 27 accounts of red and pink attire in the 10 minute walk I had across campus 
• 4 giant balloon bouquets 
• The BYU Bookstore Candy counter is now the most popular male attraction on campus. 
• 8 heart-patterned sweaters/tights/pants/scarves 
• "I don't get Valentine's day... I mean, I cuddle with you so why do I need a guy?" - another girl 
• There are rumors of a girl sporting angel wings walking around BYU...

I could go on, but really? Need I?

happy news and awkward news

If we're friends on Facebook you might have read some exciting news earlier this week:

I GOT AN INTERNSHIP!!

It's for the Institute of Self-Reliant Agriculture (SRA). They're an institution that helps developing countries overcome hunger and malnutrition by demonstrating how to create rotational gardens. This strategy allows people to have healthy, nutritional foods year round. Right now SRA has gone into Peru, Ecuador and Kenya and created gardens in a number of villages. The results have been amazing! In fact, the Kenyan government has approached SRA with the idea to implement their strategy within the entire country. In order to do this though, SRA needs to get funding. They're planning to present their project to the Gates Foundation in an effort to secure the funds necessary to carry this out.
That's where my job comes in. Right now, SRA doesn't have quantifiable evidence to show how their gardens have been successful. The research and design classes I've taken for my sociology major have taught me how to gather quantitative data and use it to show statistical correlations and improvements. I'll be gathering data from these countries and analyzing it to numerically show the improvement that has been made using SRA's garden strategy. My analyses will be part of the presentation to the Gates Foundation later this year.
Long story short... it's a HUGE undertaking, but I could NOT be more excited. This is exactly what I've been hoping to do with not only my major, but with my life. Working with a non-profit company has always been a goal of mine, and SRA's strategy completely rings true to me. It's one thing to give food to people who need it, but it's another thing completely to make sure they know how to get healthy, sustainable food. People need an opportunity to learn how to be self-reliant and that's the aim of SRA.

So that's the big news :) I'm so pumped!

AND after numerous questions and requests, here's an awkward story:
I came into class a little early this week and sat down. The other students in the class started coming in, and a girl sat down next to me. She attempted to engage me in small talk; "What's your name, major, hometown" etc. Having answered her questions, she noticed my ring and asked,
"Oh! how long have you been married?"
me: "A little over a year now."
her: "So now it's time to pop out those babies right? When are you thinking about having kids"?
ummmm, WHAT?!
Seriously though. WHO JUST ASKS SOMEONE THAT. I immediately fished it. (Just imagine: open mouth, close mouth, open mouth, close mouth - like a fish breathing). I'm still very impressed that I didn't say one of the million nasty retorts that immediately came to mind.

Ugh... gotta love the BYU bubble. #marriedproblems.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

Having you here this week has really been a special treat. With the beginning of school, the weather, the snow and the lack of female friends here this semester, I've really needed a pick-me-up which you so excellently provided (even if it was unexpected!) The older I get the more I realize how similar we are, which I'm sure every daughter says at some point. Maybe the right of adulthood is when you finally accept that fact?
There have been many times this week where I've tried to verbalize my gratitude for you. Sitting in the car, continuing the search for the perfect winter boots, running around town grabbing groceries, or during quiet times after work meetings. But every time I tried, the words died in my throat. How do you thank someone for simply existing? What words do I say that appropriately acknowledges the 18 years of loving, teaching, heartache, service and charity that you gave me?
Yet in those moments of verbal struggle I realized something: you knew exactly what I couldn't articulate. You have been in my exact boat before; you've walked in my shoes. And right now, I don't think there's anything more comforting than knowing that simple fact.
A 'thank you' hardly seems to capture my intent, but it will have to do. Thank you mom, for everything you are.

Love you,

Jess

To the New Year

In my head I feel like New Year's should always fall on a Sunday. The beginning of a new year really should coincide with the beginning of a new week. Since it didn't work that way this year, I'm obstinately celebrating the start of 2013 today. I think New Year's is one of my favorite holidays; no other holiday gives you a chance for so much introspection and retrospection. 2012 was good to us. We grew. We learned. But now we're ready to move on.
I've got just one personal resolution for 2013 - although this one resolution ignites a host of other changes I'm going to work on- I just simply want to be happy. This doesn't mean I need to buy something, take an amazing vacation, or achieve something hard fought. My personal happiness is dependent on my attitude and this year, I'm going to be more conscious of that.

Happy New Year. I hope 2013 is all you make it to be!

Gotta love Pinterest

Our First Year

Le hubby and I celebrated our first anniversary together while we were in Hawaii (way to kill two birds with one stone right? Christmas and anniversary? check!) It's crazy to think it's been a full year. And yes everyone says it, but the time really does fly. Maybe not while you're in the moment, but looking back it's hard to imagine all the little moments that made up the days, so it seems like the year has been shorter than you remember.
Honestly? The first year of marriage had so many great things, but it also had hard things too. Learning to communicate with someone who you care for so much can be difficult. Sometimes your feelings for them cloud what you are really trying to say; sometimes your feelings block your ears too (guilty!) Despite those hard times though, we both found comfort in knowing that we were there for each other. We just knew that, deep down in the essence of our beings. I think that fact, that peace of knowing you'll never have to battle life alone, is the most beautiful realization I have had this year and we look forward to winning our battles together.

Christmas in Hawaii -- pt. 1

Hi everyone!
We've been very MIA this past month. Between end-of-year projects, papers, finals, packing and vacationing... there was just no time to post! But here we are again :)
For Christmas this year my parents got to cross off something on their bucket list... we went to Hawaii! They've been wanting to do this for a long time and this year the stars aligned. We stayed on Maui, which was actually really nice because it's a lot more laid back than Oahu or the Big Island.

SO if you're going to Maui anytime soon, here's what we'd recommend:

• snorkeling - seriously, do it. There are a TON of beaches (obviously) and most of them are good for snorkeling. Our favorites included Kamole III and Ulua, although we saw a lot of things at various other beaches too. 
• scuba diving - Kyle and I got scuba certified before we went, so we got to dive with my dad three times. We really wanted to dive at the 5 tombs, but the water was pretty choppy and it was a rocky entrance, so we played it safe and didn't do that. However, the three beaches we did go to were amazing. Diving is just unreal in general; so peaceful and quite, not to mention beautiful. 
• Molikini Crater - About a mile out from Maui there's a crater that's really popular for snorkeling. We took a boat out there to see it all, and we also went to "Turtle Town" - just an area that had a lot of turtles. I didn't end up snorkeling very long at Molikini because I got too cold, but what I did see was amazing. (Honestly though, you can see most of the same fish just by snorkeling at other beaches... so you don't HAVE to go to Molikini...) 
• Maui Tacos - it isn't a true vacation unless we find a good restaurant. We ended up going here twice for their fish tacos (amazing!) 
• Cafe O'Lei - again more food. This is where Kyle and I spent our anniversary dinner. Since everything in Hawaii is more expensive than the mainland, we were pretty impressed for the amount of food that we got for $65. Salad, crab cakes, a sushi roll, and two AMAZING entrees. Plus our server, Tim, was awesome. 
• Historic district in Lahaina - very cool old shops, a lot to see (aka spend money on) but the history of the place was very fascinating too. 
• Just up north of Lahaina there's a golf course with access to a crazy place called Dragon's Tooth - When the island was forming, the lava hit the ocean and solidified into teeth-like looking rocks. We visited this place for our anniversary too. 
• Grand Wailea Luau - We did this for Christmas Eve and it was a blast! They go through the history of Hawaii through dance. The dancers were incredible (they had some Cirque de Soliel performers!) and the food was amazing. 
• Road to Hana - Also known as road to hell (or as my sister quoted, "Highway to Hell"). It was NOT as bad as people made it out to be. I loved it. The town of Hana is the most remote town in all of Hawaii but the point of driving to it is to enjoy the journey there. Along the way there are TONS of waterfalls, beaches (black and red), and other stops. We spent a good portion of our drive hiking along waterfalls and just taking pictures. The majority of the road is through the lush, tropical forest. Seeing this was awesome; HUGE forests of bamboo, rainbow eucalyptus and kukui trees... unbelievable. 
• Kahekili Highway - This was WAY worse than the Road to Hana. This "highway" is a single lane that takes you around the north ear of Maui. Sheer cliff faces, and spectacular views, what's more to want? This highway took us to Kahakuloa, the oldest village in Maui. It hasn't changed AT ALL in over a hundred years, except for a new building they've been working on in the last decade. Here we met Lorraine who showed us her backyard of wonders and sold us her homemade passion fruit jelly. It was amazing. Kyle sampled one of her chilies- her HOT HAWAIIAN CHILIES- and started crying. This highway also took us to a cool blow hole that you could hike to. It's a pretty easy hike, but the blow hole can be dangerous as it's right by the ocean. Apparently there have been cases of people getting too close to it, and being sucked in by the pressure of it (we didn't get THAT close...) 
• Maui Ocean Aquarium - To get our fill of ALL the animals we couldn't see snorkeling/scuba diving, we went to the Aquarium on Christmas day. Here we were finally able to see some sharks and sting rays! They had a cool tube you could walk through that had all the sharks and rays swimming above, below and around you. 

We did a ton of other things too, but these were some of the highlights. It was really nice to just spend time together as a family. Even without the snow and cold, Christmas tree and lights we still had a blast! Best. Christmas. Ever.

He's taken.

BABE

Ethan's mad jumping skills

The blow hole

Sorry for the noise! It was REALLY windy!

I'll be making more posts that go in more detail later this week!