Fall Pictures and Our 3 Month Old

This past weekend we finally had a chance to go up the canyon and check out the changing leaves. Fall in Utah has got to be the prettiest thing I've ever seen. And I'm from the prettiest state in the US, so I feel qualified to make that statement ;) 

Liz came home from her mission this week! For her birthday, her parents flew her down to Utah to surprise our other ex-roommate for her wedding. Carly was so shocked to see her and it was awesome.

Milo is almost three months old and it's freaking me out. He's officially out of all the 3 month old clothes, and into the 6-9 month outfits. He's a whopping 17 lbs, 26 inches; meaning he's doubled his weight and grown 5 inches in 3 months. I don't think I ever realized how intense of a growth spurt babies go through! Either that or Milo is just an anomaly. He's out of the size 1 diapers, which kinda sucks cuz I had anticipated he'd be wearing those for quite a lot longer (anyone want some packages of diapers?!)  Milo loves sucking on the back of his hand, but it still surprises him to find it at the end of his arm. He's starting to drool up a storm, which is kinda cute in a way that only babies can pull off. He falls asleep in seconds when he's in the car; we're trying to figure out if we need a new car seat since his feet are almost starting to hang out of it!

Milo laughed for the first time 3 weeks ago and it lit up my whole world. Since then he's laughed a few more times but I've missed them all. He's super smiley for like, 20 minutes a day. The rest of the time he just stares intensely at everything going on around him, or he's sleeping. And he's sleeping a lot right now. He started sleeping through the night fairly early on, about 8 hours a night, but within the last week it's been closer to 10 or 11. I'm assuming that means a growth spurt is coming on again and I have very mixed feelings about that.

We had been bathing him with a baby bath on top of our kitchen table (we don't have a bathtub), but last week he discovered splashing. Needless to say, we're now bathing him with the baby bathtub on the floor of our shower. He loves his bath. It's my "go-to" whenever he starts falling asleep a bit early in the evening. Today I propped Milo up in front of our floor mirror to see how he'd react. It was the funniest thing to watch the range of emotions play out on his face! He went from surprised to scared, to wary, to flirty, to smiley, and then completely uninterested. He recognizes me and his daddy as soon as we walk into the room and he loves to be held.

I think before I had Milo that I thought my world would be dramatically different once kids entered the picture, like going from black to white, but that's not been my experience. It's felt more like an expansion of life rather than a complete change. I still have my routines, the laundry still needs washing (even if there is a bit more), I still don't love to cook, we still watch Star Trek in the evening, I still have time to put on makeup if I want too, and we still like to be together. We just have a new buddy to take along with us :)

 That smirk. Like, really??

Momma Bear Love

Growing up, my mom frequently used the term "momma bear" in referring to her love for us. For a long time I had no idea what she was talking about but over time it began to make sense. Mom explained that being a mom taps into some primal, almost feral, instinct. I'm learning that this momma bear love is intense.

It's equal parts debilitating and enabling.
It's crippling and healing.
It is tender and passionate.
It's gentle and fierce.
It's dormant and active.
It's illuminating and blinding.
It is exhausting and rejuvenating.
It is calming and chaotic.
It's familiar and foreign.
It is heartbreaking and "heartmending"

It is the greatest love I've known.

21 Days Postpartum

It's been just over three weeks since our lives were completely turned upside down. Three weeks of cuddling, oogling, not sleeping nearly enough, changing diapers with grins on our faces, and attempting to adjust to a family of three. Here's a quick update of how we're all doing over here:

Milo's recovery and health: Milo is a dreamboat. Really, an absolute dream. He's quite content to lay down and just observe this new world he's in. His big, blue eyes take in everything. He cries only when he needs something, and even then his cry is very soft and thin; it's a cry I've never heard from a newborn before, but it pierces my heart every time. Milo is discovering his face muscles. He goes through a billion expressions a minute and it's our favorite form of entertainment! Milo is packing on the pounds! He doesn't fit into any newborn clothes anymore :( We did a rough weighing this week (subtracting my weight from the combined weight of me holding him on the scale) and he was 12+ pounds. Milo had dropped to 7 lbs. 12 oz before my milk came in so we figured out that he gained a little over 4 pounds in 2 and a half weeks. Kid loves his milk. All of his grey/blue skin is completely gone and he's done shedding his newborn skin. This week the popped blood capillaries in his eyes cleared up, making his eyes look bluer than ever. So far his hair has taken a turn towards the blonde end of the spectrum, although in some light it looks a bit red? No idea where that came from. His skin is really clear still. He's had one baby zit that went away in a day, but that's it. Milo is a strong kid. He's already rolled around from his tummy to his back, and vice versa. He holds his neck up and turns his head without help. So far we've discovered that he really does NOT like facing in towards people unless he's exhausted. I may or may not have played a genetic part in that characteristic... Overall, he's doing perfectly.

My recovery: I've actually had a pretty easy time recovering. The first three days after having him I felt like I'd run a marathon. I did some gentle leg stretches and that helped a ton. The bleeding all stopped around the second week postpartum and it wasn't super heavy (tmi?). I have no idea how I got super lucky in that area, but I'm not complaining! I haven't had any of the hair loss or massive breakouts that I've heard is very common, so that's been nice too.

Postpartum body: I'm convinced that nursing has sucked all the fat off of me. I'm actually a bit concerned because I weigh less now than I did before I was pregnant. It's a little nerve-wracking to drop that much weight in a short amount of time. Nearly all my pre-pregnancy clothes fit just fine but my body shape has changed a bit, so some things don't fit like they used to. Stretch marks are still ever present and I have literally no stomach muscles to speak of, but I'm not worried about either. All the swelling is gone and I finally was able to put on my wedding ring! Haven't worn it for nearly 3 months! My appetite has increased dramatically. I thought I was hungry while pregnant... no, no. I did not know hunger until I started nursing. At any given point I can eat nearly anything. Also, I've been craving Mike and Ike's like none other. I think my body just wants the calories honestly. My arms are getting stronger and stronger as I carry Milo around. Next pregnancy I will definitely be doing some weight lifting because lugging around a car seat with a baby, and a diaper bag is not for the weak-armed.

Khan: We have kept our formerly "in-house" cat outside for the most part. Largely because my mom was here for three weeks helping us out and she's allergic to cats. I'm not sure if he'll be allowed inside as much as he previously was. I'm nervous about him bringing in a bunch of germs since he's an expert bird assassin. The first week we had Milo home, Khan snuck into the kitchen where Milo was sleeping in his rocker. He put his paws up on the rocker, looked into it to see what was crying, sniffed, and then promptly went back outside. My best guess is that Khan has realized that Milo can do nothing to serve him, and is therefore completely uninterested. He still brings us birds though, so we know he still loves us!

Nursing: Nursing was an absolute nightmare the first week and a half. My milk came in 3 days after Milo was born and it freaked me out. I swear I was producing enough to feed all of Ghana. I ended up getting Mastitis because I couldn't get the milk out fast enough and the glands got all backed up. Mastitis is no joke people. Milo had some trouble learning how to latch, which ended up in a lot of sore, cracked, and bleeding awesomeness for myself. Thankfully things have sorted itself out for the most part. I'm producing a much more reasonable amount of milk, and Milo and I have figured out the whole latching business. I used to think that nursing was no big deal. Mouth to boob. The end. But oh man, it is NOT. Mom likens the whole process to learning how to drive; you've been handed the keys to a car, and then you realize you actually don't know squat about driving.

Kyle: It has been the sweetest privilege for me to see Kyle become a dad. This week he had to take a moving job from Boise to St. George, and ended up being away from us for a few days. It was really, really hard to have him gone, but I think he had a harder time being away from us. All of the amazing qualities that I saw in him prior to getting married are being exemplified a thousand times over. He graciously gets up with Milo to change his diaper while I get ready to nurse, even though I could do it all myself and he has to go to work the next day. Kyle's really jumped into fatherhood with both feet and is loving every second of it.

Emotions and hormones: I think my hormones have nearly leveled out. It's a bit hard to say as sleep deprivation and being a new mom have brought out emotions in myself that I did not know existed. The other day I was contemplating whether or not I should put Milo on the floor space that's directly below the ceiling fan, just on the off chance the fan fell out of the ceiling. So.

The first two weeks were a bit rough for me. I definitely had some nights where I wanted to throw in the proverbial "nursing towel", or where I felt like a complete and utter failure because I wasn't doing enough for Milo. The night we figured out I had Mastitis was also a record low for me. Having a 103* fever did nothing to help that either. Luckily though, most of those feelings have gone away. It's obviously not the easiest thing to have all sweet and lovely thoughts about a 12 pound bundle of screaming baby at 3 am... but it is getting better. I'm learning to be patient with myself and it's helped.

I've been asked a few times how it feels like being mom; a concept I'm still wrapping my head around. In some ways I feel like I'm rediscovering parts of myself that I knew existed, but I just hadn't tapped into. Kinda like exploring the dark side of the moon. Other times I'm overwhelmed by the newness of it all. I did not realize how easily I could put aside my wants, but yet, doing so has felt so familiar that I know I've had the capacity for a long time. Becoming a mom has felt like coming home to a very new house.

The first week

One of many photos that's made me cry from the newborn shoot we had

My two-week old dude

The families all together for Milo's blessing. We so missed Kristen, Nicole, and Spencer (all serving missions)

Mom, dad, and Milo. Also - newborns are the hardest to take pictures with

My little family

One of Milo's facial expressions that makes him look EXACTLY like his dad

Milo Jay Tuft

I debated for quite a while on whether or not I was going to post Milo's birth story. I was completely unprepared for how special and almost sacred the experience would be for me and I generally try and keep my feels off the internet :) The more I thought about it though, the more I realized that I wanted people to know how wonderful my experience was. Pregnancy and childbirth get a bad rep. It's not a cake walk at all - I'm not sure it was designed to be - but the negative hype that surrounds the whole process definitely exacerbates things. I've often wondered how differently women would view being pregnant and giving birth if we were more apt to share our positive experiences with it.

Anyway.

Here's your official disclaimer: THIS IS A BIRTH STORY. Read on knowing that there's a lot of anatomy :)

Tuesday, July 22^nd, 2014:

This summer Kyle and I began binge watching M*A*S*H and, per our custom, had just finished the usual 6 episodes before going to bed. I had gotten off the couch to get ready, walked into the kitchen, when I felt a slight “pop” and then some liquid start coming down my leg. I immediately “pantsed” myself in case more came down. After a split second of disbelief, I realized what happened, and rather loudly informed Kyle. I waddled over to the toilet and called our birthing center’s hotline, and they agreed with me – my water had definitely broken. Not a lot of water had come out – about 2 Tb - and because it was so late at night we all agreed that it’d be better for me to try and sleep through the night. When the water breaks, they like to see the mom at least in active birthing time within 24 hours. We gathered some stuff for us to take to the birthing center in case we ended up needing to go during the night, called & texted our immediate family members, and then tried to get some rest. I hadn’t had any contractions just before my water broke, but they picked up a bit during the night. Luckily I was able to sleep through most of them.

Wednesday, July 23^rd, 2014:

Mom was able to change her flight to come in at 9 in the morning, rather than 9 at night like the original plan had been. I was up by 7, and I tried to get the contractions going by doing some light tidying up before mom came (read: the house was a mess and I’m OCD like that). We asked Pam (Kyle’s mom) to pick up mom from the airport. Kyle and I did our best to relax until mom arrived. My midwife called me that morning asking me to come in at 10:30 so they could assess how the baby was doing, and see if I needed any help to get active labor going. Pam dropped mom off, and then we immediately went to the birthing center.

Tuesday morning I had had a prenatal where we confirmed that I was about 2cm dilated and not effaced at all. When we got to the birthing center I was about 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. There was a bag of waters still in front of Milo's head. It looked like the water I felt leaking the night before was either from a rupture in the outermost lining of the amniotic sack or it was a really high leak (my midwife explained that the membranes making up the sack are double layered, with some liquid in between them; like two pieces of Saran Wrap with water in between them). We didn’t try and locate the exact source of the leak as it was inconsequential at that point. Because it had already been 12 hours since my water broke, we all thought it was a good idea to try getting into active labor sooner rather than later, in case we needed to try another method. They did a sweep of my membranes and stretched my cervix about one more centimeter in the process. They gave us the option of going straight to the birthing suite after that, but Kyle and I wanted to do most of the laboring at home anyway. That and I was convinced it was going to take me hours to get going.

We headed home and my contractions started coming in good and hard; from when I started timing them they were about 2 ½ minutes apart, lasting 45-60 seconds. We thought they might be temporarily like this as a result of the sweeping, but would later change to the infamous “5-1-1”; contractions lasting a minute, every 5 minutes, for one hour. So I asked mom if she would go to the grocery store as I’d wanted to make some cookies for my midwives, and a big huge bowl of chicken pasta salad. I laid on the couch just breathing through the contractions, using the techniques I learned in the HypnoBabies class we’d taken. Kyle made me some eggs and kept me nice and hydrated. For the next 2 hours, the contractions didn’t lengthen apart or change much at all. Just before mom got back from the grocery store, I noticed they were getting more and more intense. Right as she walks in the door I had this overwhelming urge to push, which freaked me out. I yelled that we needed to go RIGHT NOW so we grabbed our stuff and went to the birthing center.

Kyle led me into the birthing suite, where they checked me out first thing. I was 9.5 cm dilated and 100% effaced; I’d dilated from a 4 to a 9.5 in 2 hours!! I had a ¼ inch of cervix left in front of Milo's head and the amniotic sack was still intact. I didn’t really have any plans on where or how I wanted to labor – I wanted to keep all that open as much as possible never having done it before, and not knowing what I thought would feel good in the moment. After the check, going into the birthing tub sounded amazing, so that’s what I did. Kyle and I worked through the contractions that were helping getting that last little bit of cervix out of the way. I started to feel more and more “pushy”, but we didn’t want me to push if there was still any cervix blocking the head. Finally the cervix thinned out and my midwife helped slip it over the Milo's head and I started pushing. I’m not sure how long I kept that up at all, but I started noticing that I was getting some pretty bad back pain. My midwife checked me trying to get a good idea on how the baby was positioned by feeling his skull. They were getting mixed signals on the position of the baby as the back pain indicated that he had flipped posterior, but the heartbeat indicated anterior and they weren’t able to get a good feel of his head either because of the amniotic sack being in the way.

Eventually I started to feel restless and my back was killing me. My midwife team felt like the baby really had turned posterior given the amount of back pain I was experiencing, and they wanted to double check that the cervix hadn’t slipped back in front of the baby’s head. They led me out of the tub and onto the bed. The back pain was getting really, really bad, so they had me flip over onto my stomach to relieve some of the pressure he was putting on my cervix so I wouldn’t feel quite so pushy, and to try and get him to turn. Getting his head off my cervix would also give them a better view to see if anything was blocking the birth canal. I stayed in that position for about an hour and a half. This hour and a half of fighting the urge to push was the absolute hardest thing I have ever done. I have never had to fight my body before. Every part of me was screaming "push!" but I knew I couldn't. I could not have gotten through that without Kyle’s constant, positive affirmations, as well as the reassurance from my midwives.

My midwife checked me again and could better see that ¾ of my birth canal was blocked by the remaining amniotic sack, so they broke that to clear the way. This also helped them confirm the exact position of the baby. Once the water had cleared they were able to get a good feel of the baby’s head – he was in the perfect position, there was no cervix in the way, and I could start pushing again! I decided to go back into the tub for this; the hot water was an immense relief to my very sore back. After about 40 minutes of pushing, Milo started to crown (side note: I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason why it takes 2 pushes forward only to go one push back… but I don’t agree with it). My midwife immediately felt around his head for any cord and discovered an arm instead. Turns out that Milo’s left arm was up and over his head – shoulder by his ear, elbow up, and his hand behind his head; just like his dad likes to sleep. That arm position was causing all the back pain as it was pushing against my sacrum the whole time; Milo hadn’t ever been posterior! Kyle guided Milo’s head out as my midwife moved the arm back down. I gave one more push and his shoulders came out and then the rest of him just slipped out as well at 5:54 pm. (Funny enough, Milo immediately pooped and peed; first three seconds of life and he already discovered the joy of bowel movements. I just think that’s so funny!)

There was a lot of blood in Milo's head that was caused by the added pressure of having his arm by his head while I was pushing, so his face was pretty blue and stayed that way for a while. They put Milo in my hands, and I rested him on my chest, in shock that I was actually holding the little boy that I’d been feeling for so long.

They led me out of the tub, and back onto the bed again. Miraculously I did not tear my perineum (!!). I had stretched enough to get two small tears on my left side, but my midwife said they resembled paper cuts more than anything. The hot water had helped my muscles relax enough that they just "melted" out of the way of Milo's head, instead of tearing away. The cuts were so small that they actually debated if it was worth suturing them up at all but we decided to play it safe rather than sorry. After everything was cleaned up, I got 8 small sutures (4 per tear), and just rested with the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen.

They weighed and measured him after all of that. My midwife guessed that he weighed 7 lbs. 7 oz. but as she was carrying him to the scale she said, “No… I take that back. He’s heavier than that, but he doesn’t look like it! What a dense baby!” He came in at 8 lbs. 8oz. and 21 inches long; Kyle’s weight, and my height at birth. :) After that it was the footprints and Milo’s feet were bigger than the ink pad! My midwife commented that she’d never seen feet that big on a newborn. We stayed at the birthing center until about 11pm. It’d been a total of 12 hours between getting my membranes swept and driving home our new baby! Active labor was about 7 hours long (getting membranes swept to when he was born), which was quite a lot faster than I thought it would be since I'm a first time mom.

I’ve heard a lot of moms say something like they could literally feel their hearts grow twice as big when they first saw their baby, or that they never knew what love was until that moment. I didn’t feel that rush of emotion when I first held my baby. Milo has been my son since I knew I was pregnant. Seeing him after so many months of picturing the moment was surreal, but also very, very familiar. I have known him for a while. Now I’m blessed to hold him. He is the very best thing that Kyle and I have done and I would not change one single aspect of his arrival. We had the most supportive and patient team of midwives and we feel very strongly that they ensured our wonderful experience.

I can't believe I said that...

Over the past months, I've heard myself say things that I NEVER dreamed would come out of my mouth. Pregnancy is an incredible and odd journey! Anyway, please enjoy these hysterical examples:

• Do you think people can just tell I'm pregnant? I know I'm not showing, but do they just know???
• IS THAT A BUMP FINALLY?!
• Holy cow. I am the new Doctor. I have two hearts in my body!!
• I think I want toast. No, eggs. Wait, nevermind; oatmeal. No, no. Almonds. Yeah, almonds work
• Honey, I love you, but you can NOT eat that in the house right now
• Does my belly look any bigger? Can you just say it does to make me happy?
• You know what sounds awesome?? Cherry lifesavers and Root Beer!
• Hey, can we walk slower?
• Does her belly look bigger than mine?
• Do I WANT people to see the bump today?
• I probably should have another milkshake...
• I can't go grocery shopping right now. Everything sounds delicious, and yet, nauseating at the same time
• Baby movements kinda feel similar to when you put a marble inside a water balloon and shake it, and it kinda makes you seasick too, but it's WAY cool
• I'm STARVING (food finally arrives...) Actually... I'm not that hungry anymore...
• Oh look! A stretch mark! (said with less and less enthusiasm over time)
• Wait... why did I walk in here?
• I think if I go to the bathroom now, I should be ok for a good hour or so
• I wish all clothes could be organized by age rather than size. Oh wait, no I don't
• I'm feeling particularly turtle-ish today
• Can you help me put on my socks?
• Wahoo! I've gained 5 pounds!
• Can you kinda just push me out of bed?
• Hun - consider this your heads up - I can no longer shave my legs properly
• I don't even remember what it's like to NOT be pregnant. Like, where am I gonna rest my hands when I don't have a belly?
• Is this normal with pregnancy? (said a thousands times over)
• Kyle, I swear my extremities have turned into thermometers. No joke! Once it hits 83* they start swelling up
• I'm so glad I took my ring off when I did...
• Clothes are such a burden
• Well, the good thing about all this new weight is that I can totally dominate on chin pic competitions. I think I've got 8 chins now!
• Would you mind rubbing my feet?
• I think I have my own orbit these days. Seriously, my belly is a planet, complete with a volcano-like belly-button

I'm hoping some of these are at least semi-normal. If not... I just don't want to know!

Also, obligatory bump pic:

Any day now Baby Tuft. Any day.

4th of July

This year we kept things really low-key for the 4th. Being 37 weeks pregnant means you keep a lot of things low-key actually. We finally got ourselves a window AC unit and downed two whole California Pizza Kitchen pizza's for lunch (Cuz 'Murica and stuff). We're at a weird point in our lives where we do super adultish things, shortly followed by super teenagerish things. Like pay all our bills, then celebrate by staying up late watching M*A*S*H or composing hilarious Harry Potter pick-up lines.

Anyway. 

Later we went to Kyle's parents for dinner and then their neighborhood got together to light off some fireworks. Baby Tuft was going CRAZY the whole time which resulted in some bruised rib muscles for this mama. I have a feeling this kid is gonna love fireworks as much as Kyle and I do...

Also, if you haven't seen this Buzzfeed article, I'd highly recommend it for some laughs. For LAUGHS, people.

Updates

Time is moving in the weirdest of ways. I feel like it's lurching forward in 3 week increments, then slowing way down for 2 days, only to skip forward another month.

Crazy.

Anyway, a few weeks ago we went with the Tuft's down to St. George for the week. Our last "hoorah" before Spencer leaves on his mission. It was great to have some down time and completely unplug from work - even if it was over 100 degrees nearly the whole time ;)

In case any one DIDN'T know - being in a pool while pregnant is the very best thing. THE VERY BEST.

Since then we've been working on getting our house ready for Baby Tuft's arrival, working, and helping our families as much as we can since both my sister Nicole, and Kyle's brother, Spencer report to the MTC this week!

This one is going to the Rome, Italy mission, reporting to the Provo, MTC

And this one is going to the Tegucigalpa, Honduras mission, reporting to the Guatemala MTC (and yes, I totally had to re-look the mission name up...)

Neither of them will be here when Baby Tuft arrives, which breaks my heart a bit, but we are so excited and proud of them both. It's been wonderful for us to share in some of their experiences as they've prepared to leave. You both are going to be stellar missionaries!

By way of pregnancy updates: everything is progressing normally. Last night we went to the hospital to double check that my water hadn't broken at all (I thought I may be leaking), but I'm not and all my measurements are looking normal. The nurse did say that Baby Tuft has a lot of room left to grow and I swear my jaw dropped; it sure doesn't FEEL like there's any more growing room! Other than that I've had the normal 3rd trimester symptoms and stronger and stronger Braxton Hicks.

We're so excited to meet our baby... even if my face doesn't look all that excited ;)

Classy bathroom selfie? Check!

The Third Trimester

How Far Along?: 30 weeks

Maternity Clothes?: YES. And I recently outgrew one of the first maternity shirts I bought, so that's cool.

Sleep patterns?: Still sleeping through the night, but I wake up at least once to use the bathroom. Recently I've been waking up around 7-7:30 though. I can't decide if that's a good thing or not as half of me wants to load up on sleep while I can, and the other half of me is saying "don't get used to this!"

Stretch marks?: A tiny, tiny bit. Baby and I had our biggest growth spurt these past two weeks, so I was expecting to get some!

Favorite thing about being pregnant?: My very favorite thing has been realizing how big and exciting of a journey Kyle and I are about to embark on. Raising kids is the "next big stage", and while that's sometimes overwhelming, we can't help but be overjoyed at the thought of where our lives are taking us.

Hardest thing about being pregnant?: You know, I've had a really great pregnancy, but there have been some unexpectedly hard things about it that I don't think I was prepared for. First, no one tells you that you can actually feel your uterus stretching; those growing pains were sharper than I ever thought they'd be! Second, my nose has bled more times since being pregnant than it has my entire life, and I've even broken it before. The hardest thing for me though has been the total loss of control over my body, and I'm not talking about weight gain here. I've always been really athletic and coordinated and the one aspect of my life I've always been in really good control of is my body. I never counted calories, or worried over my weight or anything, but I did make conscious decisions to keep my body in shape. Being pregnant means you loose control over some of these things. I can't stop my body from growing in EVERY direction; I can't control when I'm exhausted, hungry, or have to go to the bathroom. I can't even walk in a perfectly straight line anymore. None of these specific things have been too difficult to handle, but taken as a whole, it leaves me feeling chaotic and stressed. I'm 99% sure this all has more to deal with my intensely OCD personality more than anything though ;)

Bought anything for the baby yet?: Oh yes! I've been stocking up on as many basics as I can find (plain white onesies, primary colored clothes, diapers, wipes, etc.). We also had a baby shower while up in Washington these past two weeks. Since we have decided to keep the gender a surprise, many people brought us baby books and other really useful baby items instead of a ton of baby clothes (healthcare kit, grooming kit, baby bath supplies, blankets, Boppy pillow, etc.).

Weird pregnancy moment?: I've developed a wonderful habit of creating my own words as my thought processing ability has gotten much slower. For example, "dlood braw", instead of blood draw, "desparetingly" instead of desperately, "Walget" not Target or Wal-Mart. I have a running list of new words if anyone cares to know.

Movement?: Constantly! Baby Tuft does a wonderful job of reminding me via punching and kicking that it's time to eat!

Food Cravings?: Chocolate milkshakes from In n' Out have never tasted better but I can't tell if I'm craving them so much as letting my preggo self indulge in them more often...

Anything making you queasy?: I'm more sensitive to external movement. I tried reading something on my phone last night in the car and I instantly got car sick. My balance has been pretty out of whack lately too, so turning quickly or standing up suddenly makes my head spin a bit.

Birth preparation?: Kyle and I are still practicing the techniques we learned at our Hypnobabies class. It's really made us more confident as our guess date approaches!

Any names picked out?: If it's a girl, Olivia Ann Tuft, and if it's a boy, Milo Jay Tuft.

Looking forward to: seeing how similar or different our baby is now to how they actually will be once they're here! In my head I can picture their personality and habits just from how I feel like they're behaving in utero, but it'll be interesting to see how accurate my thoughts are.

The Second Trimester

How Far Along?: 22 weeks

Maternity Clothes?: Oh yes. I was stretching out my regular shirts a bit too much. It was a lot to ask of them! I finally cracked and got maternity jeans too. I was really dreading that, but I'm so glad I got them now.

Sleep?: Yes! I've gotten used to my nightly bathroom run now, so I'm sleeping a lot better. I'll occasionally take a nap if I need it, but that's nothing out of the ordinary.

Stretch marks?: Not yet. I've been using lotion regularly, mostly because my belly keeps getting dry, so I hope that helps. If not, I'll have some sweet battle scars.

Best moment yet?: Seeing Kyle's face light up the first time he felt Baby Tuft kick!

Miss anything?: Honestly? Not one thing. I have been floored by how wonderful being pregnant has been for me. I fully expected to have the absolute worst time being pregnant, but if this is how it is for me each time, I could have 10 kids (really hoping I didn't just jinx myself!).

Weird pregnancy moment?: The insane dreams I'm having! Not all of them are great; I woke up sobbing having dreamed I'd lost the baby. Most of them are just very, very vivid. I'm pretty sure I know what it'd be like to be on drugs now.

Movement: Yes! Baby Tuft likes to move the most when I'm meditating and it's very distracting. It's like they're related to me or something....

Food Cravings: Nothing in particular. I'll get sudden urges for something sweet or salty, but not one food in particular.

Anything making you queasy?: My nose is still picking up everything, so normal gross smells are more uncomfortable (ie: full garbage can, moldy foods, greasy/oily foods etc.)

Birth preparation?: Because we're planning on having a natural birth, our midwife strongly suggested that we look into classes that teach various methods of pain management, other than drugs. We have started to take a childbirth class called HypnoBabies. It sounds super, super hokey, I know - I think they'd get a lot more interest if they re-named it... Essentially it's just learning how to allow your mind to be more in control over your body. We were skeptical when we first signed up, but we've both been very surprised at how effective it's been. Plus, what we're learning has a lot of applications for other areas in life, so we're big fans!

Happy or Moody?: Generally happy, but I do get bouts of moodiness. I got a letter from Liz this week and she included a note for Baby Tuft. I cried for a good hour after that because it was so sweet and I miss her a ton. I don't think I would normally do that...

Gender: We're keeping it a surprise!

Looking forward to: Getting to know our baby as an actual person. I'm constantly amazed by the fact that I'm growing a human who has interests, talents, and a personality. We can't wait to get to know and learn from our baby!

Becoming a Mom

Nearly half-way baked. Woot woot!

After the initial shock of pregnancy had slightly subsided, a whole new shock settled in: I'm going to be a mother?!

Let me first just start out by saying I hardly feel like an adult; just yesterday I bought Skittles over a salad and later I re-used my cereal spoon for lunch - without washing it. My daily decisions are still dictated by whether or not I'm fully dressed and actually feel like doing something. Essentially, I'm still a child.

How in the world am I supposed to be responsible for this precious, perfect body and spirit? What type of mom do I even want to be? What tendencies do I have now that will prevent me from becoming that mom?

One big concern I have is that my natural type-A personality is going to rear it's ugly head often. I'm worried I'll be the mom who is constantly cleaning and rearranging the house; the mom who demands perfection and expects it (since I do that to myself); the mom who pushes and pushes her kids past the breaking point to excel. Yet, I'm worried to not do those things too. I'm worried that I'll give my kids too much so they'll never learn what hard work means. I'm worried about working them too hard. I'm worried that I'll curb their dreams when they don't align with my dreams for them. I'm worried about how badly it will hurt to see them in pain.

Kyle and I have talked about future parenting practices. We've discussed timeouts, allowances, groundings and I see merits to almost every opinion about those. We've talked about how we'll handle driving, dating, and technology - around then is when I usually roll myself into a ball and cry. 

As I have thought about all these concerns, a thought struck me that I've since been clinging too: I'm not expected to know any of this. I think being a mom is a process that I need to be patient with and I need to allow myself the time to learn how to handle these worries.

I don't know much about how to "mom", but I do know I will work my hardest to be the best mom I am capable of being. And I think that's what matters the most.

The First Trimester

How Far Along?: 14 weeks

Weight Gain: Not a pound yet, but my body shape is changing like crazy. I'm really not too concerned about putting on weight - I stepped on the scale for the first time this morning just to answer this question. I'll grow as our baby needs; within reason, of course.

Maternity Clothes?: Just bought some maternity leggings and holy moly - WHERE HAVE THESE BEEN MY WHOLE LIFE?

Sleep?: Still sleeping through the night, thankfully! And of course, experiencing the "need to pee" promptly at 3:20 am every night.

Stretch marks?: A bit, but luckily they're not visible to the public ;)

Best moment yet? Hearing Baby Tuft's heartbeat!

Miss anything? Oh yes! Consistent bowel movements, muscle tone, energy... etc. I've really not had a terrible time though, so I don't dwell on what I'm missing.

Weird pregnancy moment? I tried to unlock the car with a straw a few weeks ago. I'm not even sure where I got the straw...

Movement: I'm pretty sure I felt a very faint "fluttering" yesterday, but it's so hard to know!

Food Cravings: Hard boiled eggs. I think I've had 2 every morning since I found out I was pregnant.

Anything making you queasy? Nothing really; earlier on I could NOT stand the smell of greasy Mexican food. Kyle had a hard time with that! I'm much more sensitive to smells than normal, so our house is actually cleaner as a result.

Birth plan?: We're planning on having a natural birth (non-medicated) at a birthing center that's 3 minutes from our house. Is it weird that I'm really looking forward to the experience?

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling our baby moving more!

A baby!

It's official! We're expecting our first baby!

We found out we were expecting during our trip to Washington for Thanksgiving. Coincidentally, it was the same morning another relative came over to announce that she was pregnant too...

Right now I'm nearly 14 weeks along and feeling great. I haven't dealt with morning sickness at all; I just get queasy if I don't eat every hour. So yes. I'm eating absolutely everything right now. And sleeping all the time. Oh, and growing in places I did not expect. Ahem.

We got to hear Baby Tuft's heartbeat two weeks ago. The midwife had to keep moving the Doppler around because baby was moving all over the place!

I have to be honest - I had always thought that when I found out I was expecting, I'd immediately experience this overwhelming feeling of love for the baby. That was decidedly not the case for me. I was happy, but it was all very abstract. It was hard to not think of the baby as more than a parasite - eating my food, making my body grow, messing with my hormones - when we heard that heartbeat though, suddenly it was all real. There's a human in there, and I'm growing it!

Since then our excitement has only increased. Baby Tuft, you are loved more than you know!